to move forward

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by cableguy81, Oct 24, 2010.

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  1. cableguy81

    cableguy81 Member

    Maybe it will help to get this stuff out, could skip alot of the middle and read near the end

    My situation has gotten very tough, the rock and a hard place is more like a truck full of rocks and a hard place. I have had thoughts for years of "how would if be if tomorrow didn't come", but lately it has been actually scenarios of how it could be done. Whats bad is I rule some out because I don't want to leave a mess or mentally scar the person who finds me. Today I believe it has reached a low point where I feel that physical pain would affect me less than emotional, leading me to an understanding of the "slitting" mindset.

    I have almost always tried to hold my head high and no matter what look forward to the next day. I grew up in a home where drug use was prevalent, but not in front of the kids until I was a teenager. My parents split due to my dads alcohol problem. There never has been a good relationship with my father, haven't spoken to him but a couple times on the phone in 3 years.

    I was sick as a child, which got better around middle school, but I was never accepted by my peers so I grew up without any friendships all the way until graduating high school. Well can't say I didn't have any, I did start making friends online when I got a computer around 16. I only have ever dated 2 girls that I didn't meet online.

    I dropped out of college because I just could not study, could not bring myself to make it to class. I worked full time for the University and thought that would just be the best thing, but then lost that job. I did make some friends at the university. Found another one, ended up getting fired over the CEO not seeing eye to eye. Moved on to working with a guy I knew doing different things like running a print shop, that failed.

    Then on a whim I got married to a girl that I had dated, then we broke up, she joined the military, came back home and we went to court house and got married. We can say that failed within a few months but we tried to make it work for nearly a year until she threw my stuff out because I came home from work too late.

    I skipped several failed relationships in the middle there, but some where my fault the failed-seeking attention from more than one girl at a time. Some failed because they sought attention from others. Maybe one or two were just mutual this isn't going to work, and we remain somewhat friends until this day.
    ----end preface-----

    Now I've been in this town for over 2 years, with a girl I've been dating for 3 years. We got together after meeting online, and started dating shortly after my marriage ended. She is 20, and I am 28. She is in college, and I work full time. Things were grate when I worked in the field, but once I got promoted to a supervisor of an office 45 minutes away, across a time line too, it all has fallen apart. The stress of that job has taken its toll on me and caused me to neglect the relationship, I didn't see that it could end until now.

    I changed my whole life to put her first, more put us first. I once found her talking online to a guy back in her hometown about how much they loved each other and was wanting to be married and have kids. I think she was more in-love with his kid that he already had than actually him. I brought it up and should have got out then, but she is everything to me. There was another hiccup involving a guy over the internet later.

    Now we have split 2 wks ago, but we are both on this lease and still trying to make it as roomates, right after we split I find evidence she had already been talking with another guy, and had even seen him. He lives far away. I presented my case and she said nothing happened even though emotions were there she didn't cheat. Yea, not so sure. After I presented this case Wednesday it seemed like the shell that was around us had broke, we were able to talk to each other actually feel warmth between us. We actually slept in the same bed again, and truly were close to each other. Then Thursday night she says she is going with to see KC (the other guy) for his granddads funeral.

    --heart of the matter
    Ever since I found this out all I can think of are ways to end it, and I have no friends to come support me. I used to be able to vent and relieve frustration online but seems everywhere I turned there was family peering at what I do and this is last thing I want them to hear.

    The fact I've lost touch with all my friends, I hate my job and see it being hard to find other employment right now, this relationship stuff, the IRS and state tax depts hunting me down for a few years when I did contract work and barely survived without taxes being paid, oh forgot to mention 4 years ago my house burned down and I fought that for nearly 3 years in court because the insurance company thought I burned it down. then with that stuff I look back upon all my other failed relationships, school, just about anything I ever wanted to do I failed to apply myself and either quit or was rejected. I recently was diagnosed with depression and I am taking medication, which actually improved my life outlook and maybe thats the reason I am seeking consolment instead of following through at this time. I just don't find a reason to go forward though, if life continues getting progressively more painful as it has over the last 28 years what is the point of going forward?
  2. dav

    dav Active Member

    Wow. I can fully empathize with your situation. I'm on the precipice myself but there are a couple of tricks I use to provide a moment of relief when I can.

    I tell myself that I am giving her to the other guy so she can have what she wants and seek her happiness. I put myself in control of the situation. I don't know how true that is, but as long as I can believe it for a minute I get a little relief.

    I hope that helps you.
  3. cableguy81

    cableguy81 Member

    oh didn't mention, that she is 8 hrs away with KC. Thought she'd be back tonight, help hope it was a just friends thing, so I spilled my guts to pen and pad with memories, what problems we had, ways to solve it all, even went out and bought roses and a card, wrote a poem and had it all where she could read it when she got home.

    found out she is staying another day down there and not coming back until tomorrow. i'm feeling somewhere between being manipulated and used and a jackass. she then texted me back an hour after last text implying i was interrupting the funeral by texting her when she never said what day/time it was or after the first text that the funeral was coming up or was already happening. she left town without even telling me what city she'd be in.
  4. cableguy81

    cableguy81 Member

    Yea I did read your post before posting mine, I was like HOLY CRAP that sounds familiar. The song "Just to see her smile" is great. I want her to be happy, and god I even sat her down and told her if she comes clean on everything and promises to tell me the truth from then on we could be friends and roommates, but I feel she won't tell the truth no matter what it means, she is too scared to. I found text messages, sexting, and a photo from a few months ago that could be interpreted as naked in bed with KC but not 100% so her explanation made sense. A text I found said that they would get to see each other in a cpl weeks, oh wait they are seeing each other for a "funeral" never knew they were planned weeks ahead of time.

    She didn't even tell anyone else except her friend Holly she was going out of town. No mentions on facebook, nothing. Hell her parents are close with her, and they thought the KC thing died way back before I came into her life 4 years ago. They had no clue she was even talking to him at all again.

    the biggest thing that tears me apart is the lack of truth, on top of the rest of the things hard to see the light...
  5. dav

    dav Active Member

    Glad I don't have to deal with lies. The truth is obvious though. You should tell her you know the truth and there's no denying it.
  6. cableguy81

    cableguy81 Member

    I did.. actually once before we had an incident way smaller than this with a guy back in her home town. I had evidence in hand, printed out chat logs.. I have an IT background and when I grew suspicious I put a packet sniffer on my network. I pushed and proded for the truth, asked specific questions related to that guy and things said / done. She promised me they never talked dirty or about seeing each other or anything. Told her she would be kicked out on her ass if I found out she was lieing and gave another truth and she lied again. I hate reviling my sources of information but I had to pull out the evidence then she had nothing to say, never even really a "sorry i was wrong".

    Once you reveal your source of information it sucks cause they won't ever allow themselves to get caught that way again. I know where to dig for stuff cause I used to be a player and a lieing cheat so I understand what is doing. She found someone else before destroying the safety net.

    Guess bad thing about dating someone who is just like you, only 8 years younger and still going through the do whatever stage. Damn I need to find a dominant personality to partner with, one that will be straight forward about the truth and not sneak around.

    I think if one of us had a dominant trait it wouldn't have came to this, we could have seen the problem and addressed it instead of both avoiding it until it was to late to fix. I admit there were chances to correct it, chances to go to counciling or even just talk about it. But we both have such mood issues that when one was willing to talk about it the other wasn't hearing it. We even both have tried to start the conversation but were blown off.

    DAMN why do I make things so complicated, why can't i be like this guy: :stars:
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