Maybe it will help to get this stuff out, could skip alot of the middle and read near the end My situation has gotten very tough, the rock and a hard place is more like a truck full of rocks and a hard place. I have had thoughts for years of "how would if be if tomorrow didn't come", but lately it has been actually scenarios of how it could be done. Whats bad is I rule some out because I don't want to leave a mess or mentally scar the person who finds me. Today I believe it has reached a low point where I feel that physical pain would affect me less than emotional, leading me to an understanding of the "slitting" mindset. ---preface I have almost always tried to hold my head high and no matter what look forward to the next day. I grew up in a home where drug use was prevalent, but not in front of the kids until I was a teenager. My parents split due to my dads alcohol problem. There never has been a good relationship with my father, haven't spoken to him but a couple times on the phone in 3 years. I was sick as a child, which got better around middle school, but I was never accepted by my peers so I grew up without any friendships all the way until graduating high school. Well can't say I didn't have any, I did start making friends online when I got a computer around 16. I only have ever dated 2 girls that I didn't meet online. I dropped out of college because I just could not study, could not bring myself to make it to class. I worked full time for the University and thought that would just be the best thing, but then lost that job. I did make some friends at the university. Found another one, ended up getting fired over the CEO not seeing eye to eye. Moved on to working with a guy I knew doing different things like running a print shop, that failed. Then on a whim I got married to a girl that I had dated, then we broke up, she joined the military, came back home and we went to court house and got married. We can say that failed within a few months but we tried to make it work for nearly a year until she threw my stuff out because I came home from work too late. I skipped several failed relationships in the middle there, but some where my fault the failed-seeking attention from more than one girl at a time. Some failed because they sought attention from others. Maybe one or two were just mutual this isn't going to work, and we remain somewhat friends until this day. ----end preface----- Now I've been in this town for over 2 years, with a girl I've been dating for 3 years. We got together after meeting online, and started dating shortly after my marriage ended. She is 20, and I am 28. She is in college, and I work full time. Things were grate when I worked in the field, but once I got promoted to a supervisor of an office 45 minutes away, across a time line too, it all has fallen apart. The stress of that job has taken its toll on me and caused me to neglect the relationship, I didn't see that it could end until now. I changed my whole life to put her first, more put us first. I once found her talking online to a guy back in her hometown about how much they loved each other and was wanting to be married and have kids. I think she was more in-love with his kid that he already had than actually him. I brought it up and should have got out then, but she is everything to me. There was another hiccup involving a guy over the internet later. Now we have split 2 wks ago, but we are both on this lease and still trying to make it as roomates, right after we split I find evidence she had already been talking with another guy, and had even seen him. He lives far away. I presented my case and she said nothing happened even though emotions were there she didn't cheat. Yea, not so sure. After I presented this case Wednesday it seemed like the shell that was around us had broke, we were able to talk to each other actually feel warmth between us. We actually slept in the same bed again, and truly were close to each other. Then Thursday night she says she is going with to see KC (the other guy) for his granddads funeral. --heart of the matter Ever since I found this out all I can think of are ways to end it, and I have no friends to come support me. I used to be able to vent and relieve frustration online but seems everywhere I turned there was family peering at what I do and this is last thing I want them to hear. The fact I've lost touch with all my friends, I hate my job and see it being hard to find other employment right now, this relationship stuff, the IRS and state tax depts hunting me down for a few years when I did contract work and barely survived without taxes being paid, oh forgot to mention 4 years ago my house burned down and I fought that for nearly 3 years in court because the insurance company thought I burned it down. then with that stuff I look back upon all my other failed relationships, school, just about anything I ever wanted to do I failed to apply myself and either quit or was rejected. I recently was diagnosed with depression and I am taking medication, which actually improved my life outlook and maybe thats the reason I am seeking consolment instead of following through at this time. I just don't find a reason to go forward though, if life continues getting progressively more painful as it has over the last 28 years what is the point of going forward?