to mum ~triggering~

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by tintin, May 12, 2008.

  1. tintin

    tintin Guest

    To mum,

    It is all going to come out. E will be told I have told. I know people say he can’t get to me but I’m still so scared, I’m been stupid I know.
    This weekend brought back old memories but the memories it brought back I’m not sure why these ones.
    I know I am supposed to be strong but I just feel like breaking down. Obviously not going to happen because I’m not allowed. I was talking to Alyson again earlier and nearly broke down. She couldn’t tell though ( thank god ). If she had of been able to I would have felt ten times worse. She has helped me so much I wish she could have met you. I wish you could have met Laura as well she is one of the nicest people you will ever meet.
    As for this weekend well…. I feel like I am still under his control but I’m not. Telling the police is going to prove that. I just hope I’m strong enough. I wish you were still here. I think I would have been able to tell you about it but meh… who knows. I feel dirty I washed several times after but I can still smell him on me… its not only reminding me of him but the other one as well.
    The nightmares are getting worse. I am so tired I cant deal with all this. Last night was horrid. I was upstairs and I just wanted to run a bath and…. But I’m not suicidal I just wanted it all to end. The memories the not been able to cry him. Andrew doesn’t know what I was planning last night no one does. I cant tell they all expect me to just shoulder on… its just harder doing that then I thought it would be. I cant just pretend am ok when inside I am crumbling, I WANT TO CRY but cant it’s a sign of weakness and I have to be strong. I have to stand with my head tall like I am going to beat this… but what I really want to do is hang it low and just hide away.
    I can’t believe I was 10 when he made me do that. I couldn’t do anything I just froze… I’m useless me every time he comes near me I freeze. How pathetic is that ?
    I should fight back I shouldn’t let him do them stuff but I’m too pathetic and stupid to do that.
    I feel disgusted with myself. I feel like I need to punish myself severely for this weekend. I also feel guilty because I have let everyone who is trying to help me down.
    What else do I feel…?
    I feel worthless like I am just a piece of meat to be used. I feel low but I have a smile on my face to hide the inner pain. No one knows the inner pain, no one. My leg is sore from earlier one cut that’s all it took to get rid of the pain… but not for long he took that from me too. He counted each one like notches on a bedpost he thinks they are all about him!!! He is mistaken. Most are about him yes but some are old. From the time you died. He even made that day more hell than it should have been. 19th February 2003, my mum died, and my dad’s friend son took advantage. I cant say that to anyone can I but maybe if they did they could understand why I don’t like talking about you. Because I feel I took your day away from you not by choice but it was still wrong… I should have been grieving but no I had to stay away from home because dad couldn’t cope at first with all us lot.
    Day Daddy died he didn’t take that from me did he! But he has to take yours… does he not understand I needed to grieve I cried for you mum and got bruised ribs because of it… I learned never to cry for you or anyone again.
    But further back in the past… a day only me and you could share. There is no one else to share it with. The day Daddy died. i didn’t know him that well. I only had one letter explaining why he did it… why he jumped off that bridge but Amy stole that too. She burnt my only memory of my biological dad. He cared I know. You told me he did. So why did he never visit ? Why did he never call ? I know he called you to see how I was getting on. I had settled into school made new friends and even was happy. Long time ago I know but I was happy. You said so yourself. You said it made your day to see a smile on my face. I know I was the “happy consequence” of a drunken fling but you loved me all the same. You treasured me. You said Daddy was so happy when I was born. He had the biggest smile on his face and was the proudest dad you could meet. So why did he never come to birthdays or Christmas ?
    He always sent a present but never a card. Usually money £20 in an envelope and that was it. It never bothered me. I had you and my other dad the one who loves and cherishes me like I am his own. Maybe I am been selfish wanting to have been treasured by both.
    This letter is turning into my life story but I am only mentioning the things now I WANT to remember… like Daddy and you.
    That brings me to you. Every time you were ill you would hold me close and promise you would never leave me. When I got beat up in year four for having a mum in a wheelchair you held me close and just said: “they are jealous. They don’t have that special bond we will always have. We will always be together and I will always love you”. I never forgot them words. They were from my mummy and they meant so much to me but he tried tarnishing them. He said that you didn’t love me and I was a mistake. I felt like it sometimes too. You knew how strong and brave I was. You said so after the bullies had been taunting me all day. I did want to burst into tears but I was told I couldn’t cry. I cry sometimes but feel awful afterwards and punish myself. I shouldn’t do that either.
    I wanted to be there for dad when you died but I was preoccupied with memories. Up until year eight all memories of you were happy ones me and you laughing and joking or gossiping or doing them paint by numbers we used to do that all the time. Just normal mother daughter fun. But then on certain nights I wasn’t the giggling eight year old. I would curl up in my duvet when he left and cling to BOBO I still have bobo. Me and you used to play with him for hours and when he had finished I used to talk to BOBO he knows all my secrets and has witnessed everything. If only he could talk… when I was younger he could. We used to have conversations about lots of stuff. You used to join in. I miss those days. Now I still cling to BOBO but its childish I know… its just something I do. Year eight spoilt all these memories. The text messages I started receiving sent everything to the back of my head. No one knew. The only way people found out was when I stopped eating Mrs. Traynor asked questions and I couldn’t speak. I just wanted to run away… but then a text came through and she saw it and told the head-master. That’s when everything started I didn’t know it was Amy she was my friend… wasn’t she I bet you was there shaking your fist but I didn’t know. I’m stupid like that… trust people too easily. Well mum there is much more but I can feel myself starting to cry. I won’t cry though that’s not allowed. There is so much in my head right now I feel like I am sinking. I do want to show this letter someone but am just a bit frightened too. I don’t want to bug her. I wanted to tell this person about the thing I can’t tell anyone as well. I feel pathetic for thinking about this after everything else that has happened but it is stuck in my head and I don’t know why.
    The day he didn’t do anything physical just mental and visual. He wanted to show me how to do it right. How to pleasure him right and to do things right… what did he expect I was eight years old and had no idea about any of this. So he made me watch him and his girlfriend. His girlfriend wasn’t bothered. I just hid in my coat. He hit me when he saw I wasn’t looking. He said I should take notes and laughed. This is stuck in my head as if it happened yesterday. I was eight years old and he expected me to watch.
    He then wanted me to do what him and his gf was. I tried so hard not to cry as he entered me. I seared with pain. After that he said I was no longer a woman, I couldn’t breathe a word about it to anyone. What would I say ? After that it got more and more every time you asked him to babysit me. Why do you think I clung onto you so hard when you said you was off out ? I used to dread those days. He used to send Nathan to bed and put josh up in the cot and then we would be alone. He bought building bricks so he could turn it into a game. He said I would enjoy it more. He was wrong. Then after you died he brought another game into it. Nervous. That was when I started hating people touching me. I thought they were playing the game too. Now even though I know there not I still cant stand it.
    When I started my period I was so scared. I didn’t have you to talk to about it with. I thought he had caused it. He went mad with me when he found out I had. He hit me round the face and said now he couldn’t have his fun so he made me pleasure him. By this point I knew the drill… it still made me sick to my stomach but this time was different. It was more violent. I did it wrong because I was scared and he pushed me against the wall and I fell on my arm. It broke. Dad asked how I had done it and I said fell over. I couldn’t tell him the truth. He even blamed me for the pot on my arm. Said seen as its my left I couldn’t toss him off. Was it my fault mum ?
    By this point I had also started cutting no one saw my scars I hid them. Only he saw them and he counted them as if it was his trophies like notches on a bedpost. He still does. Now even that can’t help me release. Overdosing helps sometimes it blocks the pain and makes me forget, but only for a short time. The only long term fix is…
    But that is not an option. I have to be strong.

    I will speak to you soon mum.
    Love you always.
    Love Becca
  2. Abacus21

    Abacus21 Staff Alumni

    Not many words of comfort I can give hun, except keep writing if it makes you feel better, and that we're all here for you whenever you need us.. :hug:
  3. Cath

    Cath Staff Alumni

    Here if you ever want to talk :hug:
  4. tintin

    tintin Guest

    flashbacks aaarrrggghhh
    they wont stop i need them to stop,
    im going to fail all my exams coz i cant frickin concentrate.
    im a loser a big fat loser! i jus wanna close my eyes and never open em again :blub:
  5. tintin

    tintin Guest

    why cant i die my soul is dead why not my body :blub: he uses it!!!
    its not even mine... its his :blue:
  6. Melancholy

    Melancholy Well-Known Member

    Becca :sad:

    You know I can relate to lots of that. I don't know what else to say, I just want to take away all your pain. I want it to all be better for you, for you to be happy again. Stay strong hun, I'm so amazed at how well you deal with it all. Keep going. I'll always be here for you.

  7. patacake

    patacake Well-Known Member

    Hi sweetheart

    Its hard to read your sad letter without wanting to reply and yet its hard to reply and choose any words that could be remotely comforting .
    All I want to say is you are incredibly brave to face writing that letter and if it helps you please do it again . I have a friend who sometimes finds drawing thoughts helps too.
    Keep fighting hunnie you owe yourself the right to justice and one day some happiness and the world owes you that also for not hearing your cries for help.

    Keep Safe and strong
    Love Patacake xxxxxxxxxxxx
  8. ari

    ari Staff Alumni

    :hug: becca sweetie i am so glad that you tried writing did a great job at getting it out. I am really proud of you. I hear your pain sweetie, I wish that I could take it away, we both know that I cant....I am here with you as many others are....take care and be safe
  9. tintin

    tintin Guest

    Why do i always have to do what am told?
    i get told to eat.. i go get food then he starts. why cant he for once leave me alone? he doesnt care about me neither of them do i realise that now. Dad hates me just as much as he does.
    I am going to fail every single one of my exams because i just cant concentrate, flashbacks make that hard.
    everyone is like... get over it move on.. how can i wen things still happen?
    rape... everyone says it jus a word... a taboo subject but how do thy no if thy aint been thru it? everyones like u shud tel someone but who wants to admit to ppl tht sum1 has tht power over thm. you dont. everyone has power over me. i try to please everyone then end up been hated by everyone... like i aint even allowed to have a rememberance thing in my name because it is "attention seeking"... cant they see its just out of respect. That eight mile run didnt help at all, espech wen the person who is trying to help me saw me.
    then there is my "so called friends".. pft they aint frends no wher near. Asking me if i want drugs... then saying how nice adam is.. they dont even no him! met him once and then liked im nd called me every name under sun.
    i guess i am a whore in a way.. e made sure of that.
    mum wat am i supposed to do? i am still sat here wishing you can come take me away from all this... hoping i can join u.
    im sorry im a disappointment.. all you wanted was for me to be happy and sucessful and i have failed in both them areas so im sorry.
    I LOVE YOU MUM and i jus wanna make you proud.
    i will never forget you.
    Love always becca
    x x x x x x x x
    Last edited: May 14, 2008
  10. tintin

    tintin Guest

    why did i do it WHY?
    im such a fuck up i neva have before so y now!!!
    why did i smoke it :cry:
    now people hate me... apparently it got rid of your worries and problems doesnt mention anything about multiplying them
    im a failure a loser worthless useless and pathetic
    im so sorry mum.
    i promise never to again :sad:
  11. tintin

    tintin Guest

    another sleepless night..
    why cant he leave me alone for one night so i can sleep. i just want to sleep
    i need to revise for my exams i need to concentrate.
    i dont wanna fail.

    i jus wanna give in. let him win
    but no1 will let me... its like punishment for everything amy said about mum. i dont think its true... it feels it but i hope its not :unsure:
    i love my mum dearly i love all my family dearly even my so called dad...
    bafats last night... i really could have done without it i need to revise how can i wen e is giving me more things to dwell on in my fucked up head
    please stop him someone please i cant go through this any longer :blue:
    i want my mum
  12. tintin

    tintin Guest

    mum why does he do it
    doesnt he understand i had to be in college for that time!!
    no instead e keeps me here im failing and am giving up i cant take it no more
    he is not messing with me again.. in anyway!
    I GIVE UP. im gone. its over. its time for me to join you. fuck this world.. im done with it and its stupid games
    see you soon mum love you xxx
  13. tintin

    tintin Guest

    why am i so frickin pathetic
    ppl want to help me thn me been helped cause two ppl who i care about loads to argue.
    i cant wait till am gone.
    2 days without meds and im startin to feel the effects.
    not long left i hope
    see you soon mum love you xxx
  14. tintin

    tintin Guest

    i just wanna die wanna give up i cant do this i cnt i cnt i cnt :sad:
    im a useless bitch who no1 gives two fucks about
    i jus wanna go.
    want it all to end :(
    :cry: stop punishin me plz and let me go
  15. tintin

    tintin Guest

    great fantastic... dads met some woman :(
    if he thinks she can replace you think again... she is not steppin into this house.
    this is your house and no1 is takin it away from yu
    because it means thers no chance ov u comin bck
    i no u r dead but i jus think u has gone on a long hol... thts how i dont break down
    and the way dad sucked it to me...
    i have found u a nu mummy!!
    guess what dad i dont want or need a new one! i want my old one back :cry:
    DAD WHY HAVE YOU DONE THIS.!!! YOUR PUSHING ME FURTHER OVER THE EDGE! I HATE YOU i love you.. i cant elp loving u please dont replace mum :cry: please
  16. tintin

    tintin Guest

    what the fuck have i ever done to them!!!! i try offerin support jus to get it thrown back in my face... why did i ever come back y oh y did i i shud a jus stayed away not come back at all that would hav been so much betta thn all this bullshit! fuck em fuck the lot ov em!! im gone and this time theres no return... ty for shwing am not welcome ere BYE!
  17. ScouseJM

    ScouseJM Well-Known Member

    Becca, dont let ONE person do this to you, if she doesnt want ur support then screw it, u dont need her... over that one little thing it isnt worth takin such a huge step away from ur friends hun :hug:
  18. famous.last.words

    famous.last.words Forum Buddy

    Becca, i so felt the same as you last night, and recently with another member. You put so much time and love into this place but there are always going to be some who throw it back in your face. I know it hurts hun.

    But i want to say the same thing to you are you did to me. Please dont go. These people are not worth it. If they get kicks out of taking their pain out on us then that is there issue. dont let it hurt you and please dont go. id so miss you.
  19. tintin

    tintin Guest

    ok i will shut up. i will not mention a word. you do what you like u have told everything. i dont care anymore, im not living just exisiting this is what u and the others reduced me too why do it you was supposed to be my frend! so now i just wont talk :unsure::mellow: