It was a beginning for me But it was only ever an ending for you. But I am not ready! I am not nearly ready. Not prepared for this ending Wait I ask you Beg you And you must know I tell you now I hate to beg So much I hate to beg That there are precious things Infinitely beautiful things That I would rather lose Than beg to have. I am a child in this And a woman Prideful and arrogant And fragile. I want to get on my knees And supplicate Raise my arms to you And make it not an ending Make myself yours So that I might have my forever for always Or even just For now. For now would be good Better than for never. I don’t want this to end with regret on my breath. It tastes too much like you Rotting Foul in my mouth And I’ve had too many panicked moments Wondering if Somewhere You are alive and laughing Or alive and crying Or dead Deadeadead With blood on your hands Rotting in the ground. I want you to live Live and be beautiful Live and be strong and shine And burn and smolder So dark and so bright And so true. Life You had so much life when you burned So much power when I knew you I want you to be strong and happy That’s all I want Well not all But it is what I want most Aside from the selfish things I want for myself. Like you. Wanting you is selfish But can you blame me? I blame me And berate myself But I can’t stop the traitorous turn of my thoughts Especially when I sleep I dream And there you are And there I am A child’s dreams And no good When searching after a woman’s heart. Can you hear me now? Like the commercial. Can you hear me now? I somehow don’t think you can But I worry (You may have noticed I’m good at that) That my voice My voices Reach you And pelt like raindrops And you wish for an umbrella To keep you safe from the rain. And I feel transparent like that Transparent like water Soft like water Inexorable as the flood My hunger would make me weak for you I would like to cook To serve you up a feast And show you that I lied A pool hall lie That I tell you Hoping you’ll teach me What game it is we’re playing. Click against the fear in me Click click Like pool balls Billiard balls Twirling my hair But I didn’t bat my eyes I just tried to cry. I wanted you. Did you know I wanted you? How could you not have known? I reeked of want Shook with it Like I shake now Like a meth addict denied a fix. You are my fix My drug of choice. I’d live for you But I think that is a silly reason. I keep something Small and special A treat for your love Not for you Though by proxy It is Meant for you. The world smells And my eyes are the color of mud And I wonder if They can see anything at all anymore Anything but mud and slough and slime And how wretched people are to each other I know my eyes are still green That green-grey that is not my parents’ And is solely mine Out of the living My living family that is. And I wonder If your eyes are brown And I wonder How I could’ve gone Without noticing. Funny The things you don’t remember. But then I never really allowed myself to look Really look For fear you would see it in my eyes That I was looking Really looking. I like knowing where things are Ordering my life among the chaos Not knowing where you are Knowing you could be anywhere Even here Leaves me panting And struggling for a handhold Chaos ill-becomes me. I get lost And I don’t want to drown. I make the office into tight corners Right corners Ninety degree angles Paper clipped and severe. I can have order here If nowhere else. Look at the straight edges! Not crooked like me Straight Straight as an arrow Where I am an unsteady u-turn. Whirling with you in my hands And my tongue Swollen in my mouth A bar through it Testament to my youth. Words crawl up my spine Did you know that? I am the yielded thing I want to yell it But I am Not Weak. And neither are you I wanted to say that Neither are you. I don’t know why I thought you needed it Those words Maybe you didn’t Maybe I’m just arrogant Or eaten alive by my mothering instinct A silly thing Since I am technically Far closer To childhood. But I felt it. I’m sure I did. I wish I’d said it. Yes, you are weird. One of the strangest of the strange But you are strong. I know it. Maybe you did know it Secretly Or just unbeknownst to me And judged me too weak Too mad Too starry-eyed Or grey-drowned To deserve you. A child An insane child With flat feet And coin-flat Penny-dulled eyes Drooling at your heels Maybe I’ll meet you again Near the forty mark When you are jumping your thirty times two Plus one And I’ll have grown in To these visionary eyes And this loose puppy skin And maybe you will see What I have always known People are more than they seem And I have the heart of a lion Even if I don’t have A lion’s heart. You made me doubt my strengths But Look! I found a new one I have A Voice! I might yet be A Leader Among Men Though I went down With this ship I will resurrect Like Jack Sparrow In time for the next sequel And go looking for my Pearl With her black sails And her troubled past. And there I go Referencing a Disney Movie And a sequel no less I feel you would not approve. Ah well, I am what I am. This time I am dismantling the lies And will try to build no new ones. I like bad movies and I cannot lie You other brothers can’t deny… But really My highbrow tastes For art house flicks And weird cult classics And random Documentaries Are sprinkled liberally With Chick Flicks And Kids movies And Mediocre Comedy of Cheap Laughs And sometimes ::gasp:: . . . Fart jokes And Billion-dollar special effects. Even a Film Snob Likes a good cry Every once and awhile. And by a good cry I do not mean Cambodian Genocide And a Nobel Prize winning documentary About child labor I mean Not killing fields but Sally Field infested Soap Opera-esque Dyed in the wool Tearjerkers. And every once and awhile I like a happy ending Happily ever after A sappy one With a long walk into a sunset. Silly I know But I wanted to do that with you Saunter off into the sun Like a pair of gunslingers In a Spaghetti Western A colt 45 at our hips And nowhere to go but on. I’ve always wanted the things I couldn’t have. Like wings I would look so ungainly flying As ungainly and awkward as I must have looked Loving you. I have two left feet And no wings. I feel you most in the moments When I try to forget you. That thought rises Out of the blue. Not a new one But unexpected I always come across you When I least expect it. I judged you A slightly perverse person. Even when you have no control over it I think it would please you That you surprise me And leave me gasping like a fish Foundering like a flounder with blowfish lungs My eyes fluttering Blinking back dreams Like gills All windmilling fins And puffer lips. I feel so fat and hideous I don’t want this body anymore It feels so unwieldy I will it dead. No wonder you didn’t want it, I think. A tired, lump of a body at this age Steered wobbling by an unreliable mind Is no investment for the future. I used to think I was beautiful In rare moments But no more. I knew how to walk As if I was remembering sex And the entire world Voyeurs all Were watching. I wasn’t stunning But I knew how to smile. I don’t know how I did it anymore My smiles feel so stale Day old bread and soggy Cheetos. My words drag out of my throat Like a clog Pulled out of a storm drain, Rasping in ill-use. I taste grit in my mouth Oft rehashed memories Grind like sand paper Between my teeth. It tastes like earth and dust. I crave it To swallow it in great mouthfuls Grave dirt and sand stone. I rub a soap stone statue With turquoise eyes And pray for strength. I finger the heart on my hip bone The skin there soft as suede Never tanned I trace the word beneath my left breast Laugh a little Remember Think about making my body a map. I can show you later All the places I’ve been All the goals I’ve set All the people I’ve met All the people I’ve been. You’ll see it, them, me Traced in ink And scarring on my body You, I’ll say, You were this one Up my arm and across my wrist Both wrists Pale and mined with blue-green veins. My pulse beating thunderous On the inside corner. A flutter in the skin. And this one, I’ll trace your fingers up my spine A curving line from hip to shoulder blade, This one is you From when I tried to say goodbye And pick my life back up. I might even touch your hand to the heart Perilously close I will thrill with it Danger Will Robinson. And tell you about regret And how close I came To bringing my own hand to it Armed And breaking it Rending it in two. I wonder what you will say. I hope you don’t say I’m sorry Just They’re beautiful. And they are Just like you Just like me. I wonder if you know what you’ve done to me. I held your heart in my hand once Watched it tremble Care-worn and a little ragged at the edges— Pages worn thin and dog-eared Like a favorite book —so beautiful.