To my Mother

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Borrowed time*, Sep 23, 2010.

  1. Borrowed time*

    Borrowed time* Well-Known Member

    Im sorry im such a loser
    Im sorry you hate me so much
    Im sorry im so fat
    Im sorry you dont like to be seen with me
    Im sorry i dont sleep around
    Im sorry i dont take drugs
    Im sorry i didnt get pregnant at a young age and dont want children
    Im sorry you felt obligated to save me when i was a child
    Im sorry i didnt go through with it the first or second time
    My promise to you mother is that you will not have to look at my black soul much longer.
    We will both be free.
     
  2. Confused and Lost

    Confused and Lost Well-Known Member

    One your not a loser.
    Two im sure she doesnt hate you.
    Your not fat and hey weight is nothing people can lose or gain weight so ignore it.
    Your her daughter so who cares what others think.
    I would glad glad you dont sleep around.
    I would be glad you dont take drugs.
    Plus i would be glad your responcible.
    SHE should be glad the first and second time failed.
    Dont do anything please. Shes your mum and deep down she cares she just may not show it at times or at all. But dont do anything stupid just so she feels better if anything dont do it to piss her off more.

    :) x
     
  3. Matt93

    Matt93 Well-Known Member

    You sound like a nice person sunny-85. Don't let memories, or what people think of you bug you or get you down. I know, that in everyone is a hidden strength, find it, use it.

    And in any case, she is your mother, and no matter what a mother does wrong, they regret and long for forgiveness, and they, will always love their own flesh and blood.

    You hang in there, and never let go of life.

    Fighting through the hardest and most painful times is always worth the good. As I look at it, no matter what length of depression is no match for even an hour of happiness. Hold on for those who care, hold on for yourself.
     
  4. Borrowed time*

    Borrowed time* Well-Known Member

    She has other daughters, daughters who will give her what she wants.
    She doesnt love me, doesnt care.
    No one cares
    I may only be 25, but im old enough to know it only gets worse. I cant change the way i am, i was born this way.
    Im not a good person, i try to be but im not.
     
  5. Matt93

    Matt93 Well-Known Member

    I know how you feel, really. But she will care. I know you can't change who you are, but live on, live on for the happiness I know you will feel. You'll find it, look for it.

    Have you considered seeing a counsellor, or doctor?
     
  6. Borrowed time*

    Borrowed time* Well-Known Member

    Iv seen my doctor, he is sending me to a gynaecologist.
    My doctor cant make my mother care about me.
     
  7. Matt93

    Matt93 Well-Known Member

    They can't, but they can help you.
     
  8. Borrowed time*

    Borrowed time* Well-Known Member

    Unless he is going to help me end it he cant help me.
     
  9. Matt93

    Matt93 Well-Known Member

    No. Suicide is not an option. And I quote from someone from this site, "Those who complete suicide die once, those left behind die a thousand deaths." Don't let them go through it. I live so that my friends and family can make something of their lives. I want others to live, please don't let go. Please. Live for others.
     
  10. Borrowed time*

    Borrowed time* Well-Known Member

    I dont know
    Im so confused, this isnt a life. Im just existing.
     
  11. Matt93

    Matt93 Well-Known Member

    Isn't existence what defines life? After all, if we didn't exist, life wouldn't be here. Go out, if your mother really doesn't care, let her go. And make something of your life. I beg that you make something of it. I believe, that though I know nothing of you, that you you can make it anywhere.
     
  12. Borrowed time*

    Borrowed time* Well-Known Member

    Yes you are right, to exist is to have life. But a life with out meaning or reason is frankly pointless.
    Iv never admitted to people but the reason i still live at home is that im scared of moving out. I want to live on my own but at the same time im worried ill get robbed or some one will break in to attack me. I cant live with other people because i like my personal space. I cant get the job im trained to do as i cant drive and i cant learn because im so nervous of new people. I book a lesson and then cancel all the time.
    Iv failed at life since child hood. I dont face problems i run and hide. I really dont know how to deal any more.
    Iv know for years my mum didnt care, but just like everything else in m life i have been avoiding it, telling myself she is my mother she must love me. If only it was true.
    My original post is part of the letter im going to leave her. Its not meant to make her feel bad. I truely am sorry i couldnt be what she wanted in a daughter.
     
  13. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    Sunny why do you think your Mother doesn't love you? has she said or done something to make you think that?
    maybe go back to the doctors and tell him about your suicidal thoughts....if your'e on meds they may need adjusting...
     
  14. Borrowed time*

    Borrowed time* Well-Known Member

    She told me, she told me to die.
    Things she's done over the years, she thinks iv forgotten but I don't.
    My doctor knows I'm suicidal
    I'm just waiting now for the right time
    No point backing down this time
     
  15. twometresplus

    twometresplus New Member

    How did you become a senior member so quickly? Why your nickname sunny? Do you have friends sweetheart?
     
  16. Borrowed time*

    Borrowed time* Well-Known Member

    I don't know how I became a senior member so fast, I guess come here a lot.
    Sunny is my dogs name
    I have 1 friend in real life, not seen her in over a year
     
  17. twometresplus

    twometresplus New Member

    I live in Newcastle, I hope you're ok, I understand how you're feeling, I'm 38. Do your sisters know how you're feeling right now?
     
  18. Confused and Lost

    Confused and Lost Well-Known Member

    Sunny, your mum is just one person out of 60 billion or so that live on earth. if it comes to it sod your mum forget her leave your family behind go somewhere else and start a fresh new life. :) x
     
  19. stig

    stig Well-Known Member

    Hi Sunny, I'm really sorry to hear you in so much pain. I have to tell you though that there never will be a right time for suicide. I understand how you feel. my parents, the people that we expect to support us and love us stuffed me up too. you can get through this tho hun. honestly.

    try not to look at your problems as 1 big mess, it isn't. they are a series of small ones that you can fix. look at the positives in what you have written. you don't take drugs! excellent, you can use your brain to think, you don't sleep around, excellent you have self worth and believe that you are worth something.

    you say that you can't do the work that you were trained for because you don't drive, can you use public transport or a taxi? once you get out and start working you self esteem will come back and you will be confident enough to start taking lessons. the weight thing is easy to fix. you have a dog! you could go for lovely long walks in the countryside, eat a balanced diet. you could try doing a martial art! that builds confidence, also you will then not be so worried about being mugged or burgled. hun, try some of these things. set youself little goals that you can achieve. try not to think about he future too much. just day to day. pm me if you wish. i'll be here.
     
  20. Borrowed time*

    Borrowed time* Well-Known Member

    I do work, i walk 3miles to work daily and 3 miles back but the weight doesnt shift unless i only eat 1 meal a day. Even when i eat salad. Iv been tested for every possible weight problem since i was 12. Im not starving myself. I just go through periods where im not hungry and wont eat. Over the years iv just messed my body up. That is why i dont sleep around, no one wants me.
    Body, hair, teeth all messed up. Im revolting.
    The first time i applied for a job in my chosen field she told me she would send out an application form, when she found out i couldnt drive i could tell the conversation had turned south. I never recieved the application form.
    I have to think of the future, i have to live there. If i live in the now im already dead.I cant do that.
    Thank you for the advice, its lovely to think people actually care.
    The only thing im sad about is i have to leave my dog behind, i always thought she would go first but im making plans for her. She will be safe with out me.
    Thank you every one.