To my sons

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by OnlyChild, Sep 4, 2010.

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  1. OnlyChild

    OnlyChild Member

    I realise I’ve lost you both. How is it possible to have given so much of yourself and yet have failed so miserably? I'm so very, very sad. I've tried so hard to make sure you both have never had to question how much you were loved and wanted by me.

    Anybody who hears this would have to believe that I was a really horrible mother and that now I am getting my just punishment. Truly, there is no other logical explanation.

    I am not perfect, but I was totally devoted to you both. You were planned and wanted. I expressed love to you continually, spent time with you, helped you learn and grow, always knew where you were and tried to be available to you, did all that I could to give you a happy and enjoyable childhood. I felt blessed to be a mother and took the responsibility of shaping the lives that were entrusted to me very seriously.

    This rejection is a grief too painful to describe. I wish so much that I had seen this coming. I can't forget the beautiful babies that I rocked to sleep and sang lullabies to. I can't forget the little boys who climbed into my lap, held onto my hand as if I was their whole world, and told me how much they loved me. I know children grow up and venture out into their own lives and we become less important. But the thought of never seeing you both again, or sharing in your lives, is my worst nightmare come true.

    I have been crying most nights and I tell myself that I shouldn't feel guilty and I have to just leave you alone and maybe someday you will come to the realization that I wasn't so bad after all. However if I leave you alone you may accuse me of not caring. I do care, so much that I’m dying inside. I will always be here for you, and can only hope that one day you will decide that you like and care for me again. However please don’t expect me to ever be the same again. I am totally broken.
  2. Borrowed time*

    Borrowed time* Well-Known Member

    I dont now your story but i know from what you have written you love your sons very much. Unfortunately people some times need space to make there own decisions. Seperation can very painful. I hope your sons decide to enter your life again and realise how much you truely care.
    Take care
  3. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    Oh my heart goes out to you..I too have estranged children and know how much it hurts....we did the best we could as mothers and there was no handbook to parenting ..If only......
    I understand what you mean about it never being the same again with them if they did reconcile.
    How could they treat us so badly when we love them so much..
    here if you need to
  4. mlxjaded

    mlxjaded Well-Known Member

    I agree with this post.

    I am a horrible son to my mother.
    She doesn't deserve to have me burden her.
  5. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    no family should love each other and not cause each other sadness sometimes illness takes people away in that their mind has been changed their hear too
    sometimes theri is nothing one can do but hold onto the memories of what was
    losing a childs love is such a loss such a deep loss just know others here understand I hope your sons grow up a bit and start to see who truly loves and cares for them
  6. shades

    shades Staff Alumni

    They must have a reason and an action (which I assume is that they have chosen not to have you in their lives), valid or not, for you to have this reaction. What is it that they feel they were denied? Why do they not allow for discussion to sort it out?

    COuld you please discuss this more so that we might better understand and attempt to provide you with some valid alternatives to try and get them to understand you?

    If you feel you have given as much as you can, then I apologize, but please know that I am trying to understand how, considering your post, that the children could not feel loved.

    I grew up with loveless parents and it had a profound effect on me. We tried to work it out in therapy but it was too late. The damage had been done. I re-connected with my mother several years ago out of necessity as she needs care but never with my was that was until he passed away.

    So feel free to pm...maybe one on one, you might feel comfortable talking to me or others. Please take seems you did all you could, all the right I don't understand!

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