I realise I’ve lost you both. How is it possible to have given so much of yourself and yet have failed so miserably? I'm so very, very sad. I've tried so hard to make sure you both have never had to question how much you were loved and wanted by me. Anybody who hears this would have to believe that I was a really horrible mother and that now I am getting my just punishment. Truly, there is no other logical explanation. I am not perfect, but I was totally devoted to you both. You were planned and wanted. I expressed love to you continually, spent time with you, helped you learn and grow, always knew where you were and tried to be available to you, did all that I could to give you a happy and enjoyable childhood. I felt blessed to be a mother and took the responsibility of shaping the lives that were entrusted to me very seriously. This rejection is a grief too painful to describe. I wish so much that I had seen this coming. I can't forget the beautiful babies that I rocked to sleep and sang lullabies to. I can't forget the little boys who climbed into my lap, held onto my hand as if I was their whole world, and told me how much they loved me. I know children grow up and venture out into their own lives and we become less important. But the thought of never seeing you both again, or sharing in your lives, is my worst nightmare come true. I have been crying most nights and I tell myself that I shouldn't feel guilty and I have to just leave you alone and maybe someday you will come to the realization that I wasn't so bad after all. However if I leave you alone you may accuse me of not caring. I do care, so much that I’m dying inside. I will always be here for you, and can only hope that one day you will decide that you like and care for me again. However please don’t expect me to ever be the same again. I am totally broken.