I always thought that I do not really are suicidal, it's something I just tell myself. That I control it, I decide about my feelings and everything I have done to hurt myself, is just to get attention and for someone to feel sorry for me. Then the thoughts, they roll into your head until nothing else is there; they take over everything and gives a rush that makes you completely dizzy and excited at the same time. Thoughts on how well it would be to leave everything, all the problems, where only a small one would be left, all roles to play, all things to do. All that is difficult is left behind and euphoria takes over the body and takes you away to a fantasy land of freedom. To die, to leave this body that you always hated and everyone else hated, to leave everything bad that has been done, it feel so easy. As just a quick step forward, something you could do in your sleep. No planning required. Then comes the pain, the desperate pain, it tears so hard that you can hardly breathe. The two-part pain, to leave everything you love, to make someone else hurt and know the wounds of the soul you tear up within them. All the dreams that are lost, all hope that dies. And at the same time, the pain from all you done wrong and all the reasons you have to hate yourself, it fills your whole body until you almost vomit from nausea, all the stress of everything that is undone and everything you have to do. The feeling that just want to lie down and never open your eyes again. The pain tears you from all directions, and then the knife feels like a good alternative, to feel the pain as physical is the simplest, hand throbbing with desire for a sharp edge which unravels. The panic that takes over when the mind tells how pathetic it is to do so, like an obnoxious teenager. The pain will fill up again, with greater force and head filled with panicked thoughts. A quick click on the web, because anyone to call, there is not, you don`t want to tear down someone you love with your pain. But you have to do something else or you would lose control completely. You wander around with lots of unknown, afraid to really get in touch, you do not want to be pathetic, but the pain is burning inside you. You feel the hatred from the past, from all that hurt you and you feel cold, ignorance of the current, from everyone out there who could not care less. You will find nothing and curl up with the pain until it drops while you dream of daring to commit suicide while dreaming of being stopped and loved for who you are and for the errors you have. The worst thing is that I know of no one really cares, they look down on you for your pain, it's dirty and wrong. It should not be allowed to exist. Some people become excited and want to see you dare to move on; others are demolished by your pain and want it to disappear. Your loved ones feel ashamed and frightened and want to make you well. Therefore, I don’t want to fail. At the same time I would not want to cause any pain. Therefore, I continue, each day I play well and try to convince myself that it is a delusion in my head. Every day I dream about an accident that would hurt me, kill me or force anyone to take care of me. But I say nothing to anyone, I pretend that all is well and hope I can retain control over the pain. If I can or not, that remains to be seen, life is a mystery and death is my hope of freedom.