I just had to end a relationship because of my life is the way it is. She's a wonderful woman with so many loving friends. I'm so jealous of her to the point of resentment. It just feels like I'm surrounded by people who are people are living life, and I'm on the outside looking in. I'm starting to give up on things ever getting better. I just realized today after ten odd years that a woman isn't going to fix things, and I can't be with anyone until they are fixed. Its like I can't catch a break, and fall in with a group of people. I need to start loving myself before I can ever expect anyone else to love me. I just don't see anything in myself of value anymore. This is the first time I've felt like this in a few. Like I've sincerely wanted to end my life. I was doing so well for so long. It is just so pathetic that I have to break off something because I'm so fucking miserable and I don't want to bring anyone else down. I have five thousand dollars in debt and a co-signed lease, so I'm obviously not going anyone, but if this is all I have to look forward to in life, paying bills and going through the motions, then I just wish something would happen to me. If there is a god, he put me here to suffer. That's all I know in this world.