To Put It Simply, I hate Myself.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by FullBleed, Feb 16, 2008.

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  1. FullBleed

    FullBleed New Member

    I'm having another one of these moments I have where I just find every little thing wrong with me and pick at it over and over again. These happen every 2-3 days, but never led to anything more serious than crying. This time it went too far, I tried to cut myself when I was in the kitchen. Thankfully, I wasn't looking properly when I reached for the knife so I grabbed a butter knife by accident which barely scratched my skin when I attempted to cut myself. Sounds pretty silly, but it gave me enough time to realize what I just tried to do. And to be honest, it scared me, alot.

    The weirdest part about all this is that I know I don't have anything to complain about. While I've had to go through my fair share of high school bullying and had my heart broken a few times, I know none of it is serious. I'm able to rationalize and break it down in every way possible and it always leads back to me knowing that nothing is wrong and I just need to relax a bit. But, I still feel like if I were dead it'd be so much better. I feel abandoned, hopeless and empty and most of all I hate myself for being so weak. I don't have any serious problems, I don't necessarily have a right to complain. But I still complain and I still feel horrible and I don't know why.

    I never tell anyone this, not even my closest friends. They wouldn't be able to help and I don't want to place my burden on them too. I really have no idea what the hell is wrong with me.
  2. derlerium_tremens

    derlerium_tremens New Member

    Yikes! I would like to think I know how you feel. My life has been a constant fight with depression and I have spent quite a few days (and quite a few thousands of dollars) in the hospital for a suicide attempt. depression sucks. I wish i knew more background info on you. How old are you? can you pin point a reason why you are so depressed? even if you don't get back to me, i wish you the best of luck
  3. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    I'm so proud of you that you have the sensibility to realize how wrong things are. And that you are looking for help and guidance. As for the cutting. I'm so happy it scared you!! I've been cutting for a long time and believe me, after a while even that doesn't seem to work. Is it possible find some counselling? You are so kind to not want to burden your friends, but good friends are always willing to help. But you can also talk to a counsellor. Maybe just really getting it out and in the open will be enough to start turning those fears around. And you are always encouraged to vent and look for support here. If it is a fear or concern for you, then it is real enough to need some attention. Never ever think that any pain or struggle you are dealing with is nothing! Keep posting and keep being the strong person you are!!
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