To Sam: The Baby I Aborted

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To Sam:

I don't know if I should call you 'he' or 'she,' because I never got the chance to find out if you were going to be a boy or a girl. I regret never finding out if you were to be my future son or my future daughter. Either way, I would have named you Sam.

I love that name. I always have & always will. You would have been my Sammy. :sad:

You would have been 2 this August. Another 2 is approaching fast. This January will mark the 2-year-anniversary of the abortion I had when I was 18-years-old. I was young. Your father was even younger. He was only 16-years-old at the time. Nonetheless, we were in love. We spent 4 years together. After your 'death,' I went downhill. Fast. I loved you from the second I knew I was carrying you. I loved you with all of my heart. I never wanted the abortion; Everybody else did. Including your father.

It was so hard for me. I backed out once, almost twice. I remember that day as if it were yesterday. The pain is still as strong, if not stronger. It grows with me. As my friends become mothers, I think about you more. I sat across the street from the abortion clinic for hours, crying hysterically, telling my mother that, "I can't do this, Mom. It'll kill me. I just can't go through with this." :cry: But, we know how mothers are. They're so good at guilt-tripping. I felt like such a disappointment, Sam. It was the first time I ever saw my Mom cry. I felt like I had hurt her in some way or another. She just wanted the best for me, didn't she?

I was on a medication at the time. Something for my skin. And, there were tons of warning signs: "Do Not Use This Product If Pregnancy Occurs." They all told me I had a very low chance of giving birth to a healthy child. All the doctors warned me. I was confused. I knew having a child would be hard in the first place, but a child with severe deformities? Would you have even made it the whole 9 mo's? Would you have been born a stillborn? I don't know. I can only assume. But even assuming doesn't comfort me. What if you defied the odds & been born a healthy, 'perfect' baby?

Would it have been worth the chance if I decided to play roulette with your well-being? With your life.

I would have loved you regardless of how you looked or acted. I would have loved you more than I already did. I wanted you so bad, Sam. I still want you bad; Except now it's I want you back. It's an unrealistic want because I will never have you again. You are gone. Why can't I just accept that? Perhaps, I already have. The better question would be, why can't I come to terms with it?

I speak to you often, dream about you every night, & write letters every now and then. I have my good days, when I feel as if I have moved on, but my bad days are beginning to outweigh the good ones. I'm going insane without you. I hate myself. A huge piece of me died along with you. I'm emotionless. I don't know how to move on. Or deal with my insanity. I fear becoming pregnant again, yet it's all I really want. Don't worry, I'm realistic & know I'm not prepared to be a mother. I'm just worried that I'll never be ready; Esp. emotionally & definitely mentally.

Getting the abortion was supposed to be my second chance at living life to it's fullest. I just can't do it knowing I'm not what I am supposed to be: a mother. How can I enjoy school & work, friends & partying when I know I don't have the responsibility of caring for & raising you? Sammy, I can't describe to you how upset I get when I come home to nobody. I've been living out of my Mom's home for over a year now. I come home to a family that isn't really mine. Granted, my little sister just moved in with me, I never see her. She's always out, having fun & soaking up all that life has to offer.

Nobody ever mentions you or the abortion. Nobody ever asks me if I am okay or if I need to talk about it. And, when I do mention it, there's an awkwardness about the subject. People who don't know me well find it interesting, and ask me tons of questions, but never "how did it make you feel afterwards?" For some reason, that hurts me.

I keep thinking that if I happen to get pregnant again, it'll be God sending you back to me. After I aborted you, I justified things in my mind. Here's my justification: the abortion wasn't the wrong decision, but the best one for at that time. Because there was such a high risk of you being born deformed, it made sense to send you away. God is keeping you with Him until I am ready, and until I am safe - off my med's. Someday, you will come back. I just don't know if that's the proper way to look at things? I don't want my next pregnancy to be a replacement child. You can't be replaced, and it's wrong to perceive my next child as somebody else. They won't be you. You are gone. [And, that is a realization that kills me on the inside].

I have to go for now my child. I will write you again even though it does nothing to ease the pain. Regret & guilt consume me. I miss you more than words can express. I love you, Sam.

Love & Forgive Your Mommy. <3
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i am sorry for your loss, even thought it seems to me to have been the correct decition at the time as an outsider. i really dont know what to say, i know nothing i can do will ease the pain but i am here if you ever need to talk, just pm me if you want my msn.
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