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To save someone and lose them?

Discussion in 'I Have a Question...' started by Kibure, Aug 31, 2007.

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  1. Kibure

    Kibure Member

    I helped a friend of mine, and it was alot of hard work to convince him that he was loved and needed here. However he has not attempted in a week, wants to improve his life, and quit smoking. This is all hinging on one thing though. He wants to leave the state, a source of bad memories and bad health for both of us, and move to Juneau, AK. We have researched until my eyes couldn't look at a computer screen anymore, applied to numerous jobs up in Juneau, and gotten favorable responses back. However I don't have the money to make the trip. This is really upsetting me as I have tried several times to gather the money together through various loans and I just can't seem to make it. The latest loan attempt is on a site called Prosper (will post link at the end) and while it is 7% funded I just found out that the listing has flaws and will have to be redone again. I keep running into setback after setback.

    I know it is a longshot but is there anyone who has suggestions on what I can do to make it up there? I need approximately $3000 to cover rent for the first month, food, gas, car tuneup and oil change, etc. Please if you have a suggestion pass it on. Soon he is saying that he will try again, and this time he won't let me talk him out of it. :cry:

    The Prosper Listing
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 31, 2007
  2. squiggly

    squiggly Guest

    Wow, you are a GREAT friend!

    Make sure that moving is what you want for you, not what you want to help keep him alive, because it is entirely possible that moving there will not change the feelings he has that make him feel so bad. You might find yourself supporting him without a support network yourself.

    Whilst not attempting in a week is probably a lifetime in these circumstances, the reality of it is that it is not very long at all. Maybe he needs to become more stable and get some professional support before he (and you?) look to move forward, because until the past is healed (or whatever is making him feel so bad is 'fixed' it could haunt you and follow you wherever you go).

    I have to be honest, it sounds like he is either intentionally, or unintentionally, emotionally blackmailing you to get this to happen (i.e. by him saying that if it doesn't happen soon he will attempt again). If he is saying he will attempt again, it sounds like he is going to make an attempt, but not necessarily try to succeed, if that makes sense.

    I don't have any ideas for money though. If you are certain this is the right thing for both of you, maybe get the biggest loan you can, then try to borrow off friends? Or save for a month, and if he is still stable then, then you will probably have a better shot at successfully raising the money because you will have time to save.

    I'm sort of scared for you to be walking into this situation, but I really do wish you both all the best :)
  3. Kibure

    Kibure Member

    I don't really think I am a great friend, a great friend would have been able to fix everything.

    I already had wanted to move, and this is something I do want to do as well. I am supporting him by myself, but that is ok. I just worry alot about this whole money thing. He is suffering so much because of the climate here, and I want to get him away.

    About the money, I haven't been able to get any kind of loans so far. I don't have anyone that I can borrow from personally and my credit is kinda bad from a long time ago. Once I get him away from Georgia we will be able to get back on his feet, but here is just too close and making him too sick. With him working there will be no problem to try and pay off a loan but no one believes me. The time it takes to save is making him sicker and sicker. And frankly I am starting to really want out too.

    I just don't know what to do anymore.
  4. squiggly

    squiggly Guest

    Well that is totally not true. A great friend stands by another friend through thick and thin, does their utmost to help them, and that, to me, sounds like what you have done. No one, not anyone person, can fix everything. Your friend sounds like he needs extensive therapy and professional support (psychiatrists, therapists, meds, all sorts), and even those will take a long, long time to help him, to make him better.

    You are not a professional (as far as I can tell), you can not 'fix him', you do not have the extensive knowledge/training and the means to be able to help him like a professional would.

    When you get wherever you are going, please ensure that he gets some sort of help, because no matter where you go, his past will still be there. Yes, a change of location can help,but it doesn't make the bad stuff go.

    What about if in the time it takes you to save, he saw some sort of professional, or went to some sort of support group (these will probably be free, so money should not be an issue), to help him, and also so that you can share the task of having to support him. That would mean that any time spent here would not be making him sicker, but helping him get well.

    I trust that he too is looking at loans and things like that? So that it is not all falling on your shoulders. Hopefully if you can both get some sort of loan, it might be enough, plus he might not have bad credit rating, so that might unload that aspect fromj your mind.

    And yes, I do think you are a great friend. I would give anything to have a friend like you.
  5. Anime-Zodiac

    Anime-Zodiac Well-Known Member

    I don't have any real suggestions or know any companys that may be able to give you a loan. Hopefully someone else on here will be able to help. And I agree with that squiggly has said. Your a great friend, what your doing is very special and the good thing is that it's also what you want, so it's all good really.

    Hope things work out for both of you.
  6. Kibure

    Kibure Member

    He can't get a loan. No income, no bank account, and no credit except for a few things early in his previous marriage. So we are trying with me.

    Currently the loan isn't funding. But he is doing better. He has decided to get a job (Big thing for him, from the begining he has been too apathetic to do much at all) and he has also decided that if the loan does not fund we are taking off anyway. Risky, but I wouldn't mind behing homeless again if it means a real start to life, instead of yet another step back.
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