To sumerise

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by uncleddy, Mar 27, 2013.

  1. uncleddy

    uncleddy Member

    I was born, both parents enjoyed a very active social life, needless to say i was farmed out to who ever was available to watch over me, as i grew i watched my parents, through drink, beat each other, my mother insisted it was my father that was violent (as i have aged i now know that the opposite was true, my mother was very manipulative), i left home one night after an argument with my parents, i was 14 years old, i eventually met people and secured myself lodgings.

    My first love, got herself pregnant to another guy, my parents forgave her, i didnt, this made me a bad guy..
    My second love, married, had children very quickly, 3 girls (beauty), then i caught her with another guy, i was beaten and fault
    my third love is my current wife, love her to bits, we have 2 boys and a girl, all grown up now.

    i was employed as a security guard when in my early 20s, a job i was very good at, i fast climbed up through the ranks to an office job, company car and all that comes with it, a year and a half after starting this job i was approached by another company and was made an offer i couldnt refuse, i accepted and within the month had moved, within the first 12 months i had become a board member.

    One day i went into work but was stopped at the door by a girl that worked in accounts and was shown some paper work that took me by surprise, the husband and wife team that made up the rest of the board and who were very close friends were indeed setting me up, they were stealing money from the company, at this point around £300,000, they had also made it appear that it was me that had taken it. i became enraged, i physically ejected both bodys from the office, all the office staff apart from the one girl that had helped me, i told em all if i set eyes on em get the idea.

    like a fool i did nothing other than that and began to start a recovery process, it was too far gone, i became an alcoholic, was banned from driving, began fighting, sleeping around, doing drugs....i had crashed but couldnt see it.

    One night while i was drinking in a hotel i was approached by a guy with a gun and told, you upset my friends again and i will be back, dont know who the guy was or who he was talking about, never saw him again but the incident had a very traumatic effect on me, within 3 months my wife and daughter were attacked in a local post office robbery, i was not there to help them, this hit me really hard.

    i eventually gave the business up, with bills still in the 300,000 region, this was 8 years ago, still i wait to be asked what happened.

    I watched as i pushed away family and friends, drank myself into the gutter, drugs women then one day "boom" i let rip on the city, i rampaged around like king kong, i was arrested and beaten again, but this time i was done, numb sick and had no care, the GP gave me meds that made me slaver and rock in my chair, i was locked up, for my own safety, i gave away my cars, phones, my clothing and emptied my bank accounts, gave it all away.

    now i am 8 years on and dont want to go any further, i dont tell the truth to people who ask about me, this includes councilors etc, so i dont get the correct help, i dont do hugs and kisses to the point that i havent had sexual contact with anybody for 8 years.

    this is in brief, there are alot more incidents and memories i could add.

    I feel the need to start over with a new councilor but dont have the balls to let down my guard or explain this to my GP.
  2. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    thats a lot of pain you write about. i am sorry. It sounds like you want to reclaim courage. And i do believe you have great courage. You just have been beaten down. I know that there are people here who would support you in talking to your GP about this. If it is support you need, i think you have it here. What are you afraid of if you do talk to your GP or change counselors? What is the concern of what would happen? I do hope you can be honest about your past. Sometimes shame keeps us from healing. And, well, thats a shame. But shame is a judgement. Its a judgement against the self. i read your story and I did not see an objectionable man. I saw someone who had a hard life. And a lot of tough breaks. I did not judge you. And i do not know that anyone else would. If you stay with the same counselor and do not make a change, thats okay too. Just glad you are here telling your story. I hope you will keep posting.