I don't want to die. But a few days ago I started getting this suicidal compulsion. It was triggered by something I talked about in therapy - something I did between the ages of 3-5, and I feel horrible about it and a bad person who has the potential to do other bad things. So I felt this overwhelming compulsion to protect the world from me. I felt that I didn't deserve to go on living and I was actually protecting people by doing it. I have since reflected on it and realize that I would be hurting the ones I love, not protecting them, and so I do not wish to die. However, I seem to keep getting this compulsion. Luckily so far I have been able to use logic to think my way out of it. I do okay when I'm around people. It seems easy enough to distract myself, having a funny conversation will make me forget all about it. But I don't know why the thought keeps coming back. I want to get rid of this emotional compulsion so I can go on with my life. I wish I knew how to do that. In the mean time, since this is a new feeling for me, I'm not sure who I should tell. My therapist knows and she thinks I should tell my family, but she respects my right not to tell them also. I gave her their cell phone numbers just in case it gets really bad that she has to make a judgement call for me. She said I should call a suicide hotline or 911 if I actually think I might do it. I'm afraid to tell my family because they're already worried about me, and stressed out about me. I'm an adult, btw. I want to be able to conquer this with the help of my therapist. If my family finds out, I'm afraid they are going to push me to take medication which I am against taking (lots of reasons including: I have bad reactions to most medicines, one of my parents used to abuse prescription drugs so I don't want to go there, I'm afraid of the withdrawal from the medication will be worse than the way I'm feeling now, I also have really bad stomach problems so medicines cause a lot of pain for me.) I feel like if my family finds out, then my whole life will change. Right now they trust me. They've let me work on my mental health issues (I have phobias and PTSD) with my therapist, and even though they think meds are a good idea for me, they've stopped hounding me about it like they used to, and I've actually made a significant amount of progress Just recently I've gotten rid of a lot of my fears, by being able to logically check the facts and know that I'm really safe. Thank goodness for that logical skill I learned because it really helped me Tuesday night when this overwhelming emotion first started. I was able to think my way out of it. This is why I think if I just learn the right cognitive skills or techniques to combat this I can do it, because I really want to live, so as long as I don't let that side of me take control then I will. I feel like if I tell my parents, they will look at me differently, be constantly worried about me, and get really stressed out. My dad is already really stressed out about my health in general, so when I tell him I'm doing well he feels relief. I know if I tell him this his blood pressure may go up and I don't want that to happen. Also, he thinks that suicide is the "easy way out" that it's "for cowards." I don't want him to think of me like that. He already doesn't think I'm strong enough of a person and I don't want to prove to him that I'm not strong. Sometimes he understands my phobias, but other times he makes fun of them. I wouldn't want him to ever make fun of this. And plus I know he will get mad at me. He can flip out when he gets mad and be verbally aggressive. I think that will stress me out even more. Also, with other people knowing and keep reminding me about it, I think that will stress me out more. At least if no one knows, then if I'm distracted from it with relief, then no one will be asking me about it reminding me, and then triggering me with bad thoughts. Plus if I tell my mom, since she's worked with suicidal patients, she'd want to get me to a hospital right away, even though I don't have any intention of harming myself. What I'd like to do is just tell my parents that I've been having a rough time emotionally, and that I don't want to be by myself. That way if it gets really bad, someone will be there and I would tell them. It just feels like if I tell them the reason why, then that's the point of no return and I only want to go there if I really think I'd go through with it. So, how can I work on this and try to assure my safety? Is it necessary that I tell my family now? Is it possible I can see if it gets worse and then tell them? I feel like I can't even tell my friends, even my close friends because, again, I feel like it's a point of no return - you can't just say "Hey I was KIDDING!" I wish it was easier. I wish there was a way of finding out how a person would react without actually telling them.