I am new to this site and using online support networks in general. Apologies in advance if this question has been addressed elsewhere or if I'm posting in the wrong forum, etc. Here's the short version of my dilemma: I often feel suicidal and I have a plan to kill myself. It would take weeks to gather the items needed to carry out this plan, and I have days when I do not feel suicidal at all so I'm not in any imminent danger. I have been lying to my therapist/prescriber and telling her I'm doing well so that she would prescribe me ADD meds (i.e. stimulants, controlled substance.) I am currently on a low dose of a stimulant drug, but it is not enough to alleviate my depression/suicidal urges. Stimulants are the only thing that have ever given me reliable, long-lasting relief from depression and suicidal urges (and I've tried many things.) I have a history of drug and alcohol abuse and my doctor will not continue to prescribe me a stimulant or increase my dosage if my mood is unstable or she detects that I am drug seeking. Bottom line: Common sense tells me I should come clean with my doctor, because she is a trained professional who will know how to help me (whereas I am not.) However, I don't know how I'll cope with not being on a stimulant and telling the truth feels too risky. --------------------------------------------------- Here's the long version (feel free to skip it): I have a plan to kill myself, but it will take a few weeks to get everything in place. It is the only plan I can realistically see myself carrying out. I currently have no desire to kill myself, but I know its just a matter of time before suicidal urges set back in. I am tempted to set this plan in motion so that it will be ready to go if/when the time comes. I've started to see my "good days" as passing illusions and the "bad days" as the permanent reality underlying it all. So even when I'm in a positive mood I have this nagging feeling like these fleeting pleasures are just distractions from the true task at hand (i.e. ending my life.) I'm not sure if I'm tempted to "get ready," because I find comfort in having an "exit plan" handy, or because I genuinely want to go through with it. Having the means to end my life literally in my hands is actually life affirming, because it sparks my survival instincts (I know this from previous experience.) Perhaps I'm just looking for that jolt to jumpstart my will to live. Maybe this is a cry for help and I'm unconsciously hoping to get caught. I really and truly don't know what my motivation is and therefore cannot assess how much danger I am in/what course of action to take. I have a hard time following through on things so its highly likely that my interest in this plan will fade away because its too much work, but you never know. I don't know. I don't have a therapist per se, but I do have a prescriber that provides some counseling above and beyond medication management. I have been lying to her and saying that my antidepressants are working, I'm not feeling suicidal, etc. I've been lying because she will only prescribe me ADD medication (i.e. stimulants) if my mood is stable. Stimulants are the only thing that have ever given me reliable, lasting relief from depression and suicidal urges (and I've tried lots of things.) However, I have a history of drug and alcohol abuse so coming clean to my prescriber will eliminate my chances of getting on an effective dose of any stimulant. What do I do?