First off I want to say that your a very intelligent and articulant person. I really appreciate you taking time to write me. We have alot of similarities. I did not have any type of physical problem or deformity. I was a target and the sole reason was because of how I looked and I wasn't as big and intimidating. I was either the shortest or the fatest kid in class. It was constant abuse. Being beat up, spit on, having my head dumped in a toilet of mess, being stabbed, having things stolen from me, etc. And then when I was 11 years old I was taking advantage of by a vulture. A gay male teacher who observed the fact that I was this weak lil kid getting picked on and he decided to make things worse by raping me. Im 28. Ive never experienced those essential things in life. You know in the bible it says God made woman because he saw it was not good for man to be alone. It also says love is above all things. So I guess that is why Im suffering so much. Its like starving. I overeat but I cant fill that void. Cant be filled with food, or a pet, hobbies, or volunteer work. Up until this point Ive been able to cope. Now its just too much. Im hurting. The anxiety and sadness is so thick it feels like im breathing it in and out. And nothing I do ever changes it. Yeah I spend holidays alone too. Birthdays are the worse because I have to somehow acknowledge and pretend to celebrate my birth. I hate that day. Somehow you were able to find a peace of mind and accept the way you are, and being alone, and have found happiness. I can't. Even if there was a way, I wouldn't. I would rather accept death. Life should about the choices we make, not being forced into irrational living conditions. I could accept alot, and I have accepted alot. But that is just the ONE thing I cant accept. My life is pointless anyway. Dying would not make it any more pointless. If you opened every cell door of a prison and gave those prisoners a chance to escape, 99% of them would fall over each other trying to escape their suffering, loneliness and misery. My friend recently shot herself. She did want to die. I cant imagine anyone really wanting to. It is when they reach a point in their life where their resources of coping with the anguish and misery runs out. And the descent begins. Where pain gets so severe you desire death. And people try. Some only prolong their suffering. Some may make it. Id never fault anyone, just like I dont fault her. I dont see it as cowardess. Especially if you have exhausted the fight. All I have left that isnt covered in darkness is my heart. But I can even feel that part of me changing. The sadness turns into anger after awhile. I consider anyone who loves themselves, is happy, and have peace of mind a success story. Or happy ending so to speak. I know my defiant nature to not accept or adapt my life accordingly has cause me alot of what Im going through. Maybe if it guaranted me the pain, envy and misery would end, I would take steps toward that. I know it wouldnt. So I must continue to fight for the only thing I know will save me. If I stop dreaming, then there is nothing left of me, and nothing left for me to live for. There is one thing that is working so much against me and that is my level of anxiety. I dont feel I have any type of control over how I feel or think. So when something adverse happens throughout the day a alarm goes off and nothing I do ever can trun it off. Panic attacks are unbearable. I have ran and hid from everything in my life that causes them because they are indescribable. Right now, that alarm is going on inside me. I can go to sleep, wake up, take a shower, play with the dog, and its still there. The only thing that takes it away is if something positive happens. Not positive thinking, only something positive happens. Something that gives me hope, or goes my way. Right now im grasping at straws trying to find a support system. Every single time I attempted suicide it was because of the anxiety attack lasting 2-3 weeks. So of course Im a hermit right now because it can literally kill me and catapult me into suicidal ambitions. Right now im in day 4. Im doing my best to suppress it but I know im in a race against time. Hope has already destroyed me. Hoping against hope. I believed everything my friend told me. To always hope and stay strong and never give up. She shot herself, barely 21 years old. Now I want to join her. If she lost hope, beign the beautiful, attractive, smart, energetic person she was, what am I suppose to think about myself. She has probably did alot to not only hurt her family, but my mindset of thinking. When she jumped, now I want to jump. She left me. Guess what, im gonna die believe there is hope. That there is some loop hole to this design of life for a sad human being like me can find happiness. Love is too essential to live without. I know many never find it but to not even be given the option is too devestating of a way to live. When your noones type. This isnt giving up chocolates for the rest of your life. This is giving up a dream of of having someone to share my life with. Giving up a dream of having a family, watching my children and grandchildren run around. Giving up the most essential and powerful feeling anyone can experience. The one thing that makes the world go round. That is above all things to me. I dont feel patronized when people try to encourage me with alot of the same things I hear before. Inner beauty and, looks dont matter and life will get better in time, etc. I would rather be patronized than to have to listen and think all of the irrational things that go through my head everyday. I dont believe in miracles, but I have to believe that even the sun shines on a dogs ass once and awhile. Yeah, everyone cant make it. Sometimes you cant help people, you can only witness. Some of us were doomed from birth. I certainly feel that way. I know im far away from hope, but im even further away from acceptance. I know im lightyears away from having a wife and a family, friends(real friends), and beign able to function in public and work, and be content, or happy. But im even further away from telling myself, I have to accept what I am, live without the things I yearn for, and be a hermit forever and die a lonely man. And just try to make the best of it. Peace. Any way I can get it. Peace of mind. See I dont have that. I dont know how to get that unless I can overcome this illness. My endless and exhausting search for hope. A way out of this maze built inside my mind. Thats the only hopeful thing about being trapped in a maze. There is a way in, and there is a way out. I feel like a warrior, and ive dawn the crimson mask on my face for far too long. Im swinging and fighting desperately, just hoping someone will cut me down. I wouldnt want to be remembered for how I died, what I died for. People who couldnt forgive someone who makes that decision simply cant understand. How can anyone be asked to suffer. For some, it may just be the only option we have left. The only door to peace.