To the point

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by demuredawn, Jan 9, 2014.

  1. demuredawn

    demuredawn Well-Known Member

    Any of you ever been so hurt, so scared, so depressed, and so angry and even a bit bitter (all in one).... to the point that it causes you to not be able to talk, really about anything that matters to you? To the point that it actually makes your life seem totally insignificant... makes you seem unimportant even to yourself, let alone anyone else? To the point you find yourself boiling over with anger when just small things happen (ie someone that hurt you at one point in the recent past comes into a room)? To the point you feel you cannot trust anyone with anything and just barely are able to trust yourself? To the point you find yourself changing, despite everything you try to do to stop it.... til you no longer even care that you are changing?

    If you have, then I guess maybe you have a bit of an idea what I'm feeling, though thats just the surface.... not anywhere near the actual substance of it all....
     
  2. Witty_Sarcasm

    Witty_Sarcasm Writer, Musician, Fun Lover, Magic Maker

    All the time...I stopped talking about things that bothered me, because people stopped caring. I don't know if I can trust anyone again, and I don't even know what I'm capable of. I'm sorry that you feel this way too, because I know how hard it is to deal with.
     
  3. demuredawn

    demuredawn Well-Known Member

    with me its odd... i still care about others, still want to help them... i just know that my stuff needs to be left in silence, never spoken of or even looked at ... and i know that my only worth comes in how much i can help others, not so much in what i can do for myself anymore
     
  4. demuredawn

    demuredawn Well-Known Member

    but yea, at this point... trust is not something i give away anymore ... i used to
     
  5. Witty_Sarcasm

    Witty_Sarcasm Writer, Musician, Fun Lover, Magic Maker

    I sort of feel the same way...I think I'm good at helping people, but I know I can't help myself. I just don't talk about my issues too much because of the way people react when I do talk about them. It's not healthy to keep it all inside, but it seems easier that way.
     
  6. demuredawn

    demuredawn Well-Known Member

    pretty much how i am... i know from experience, stuffing is not good.... that it only leads me to si or attempts or blowing up at ppl for just looking at me wrong... but at the same time, when i tell ppl my issues, they just hurt me more... and its all acceptable to do that... so, if its acceptable for them to hurt me, i have to protect myself, the only true way i see of doing that, is just by not talking... but i know i will not survive long that way either, as i'm already having very vivid (as in visual) suicidal ideations (not quite visual psychosis, but more like a daydream so vivid you can almost touch it)
     
  7. Witty_Sarcasm

    Witty_Sarcasm Writer, Musician, Fun Lover, Magic Maker

    I tend to keep things inside just because I don't have a good outlet to let them out, but then I either end up feeling sick or I blow up after it all gets to be too much to handle. I'm used to people not taking me seriously or mocking me, that's why I just keep things to myself. Well, I do write down my feelings in my journal, but it's not the same as actually letting them out. That's why I'm either burying my emotions (like with alcohol), or avoiding my problems, by keeping my mind occupied...then I don't have to think about what's bothering me. I'm sorry that you are having vivid suicidal ideations, I know how scary those can be. Do you have any way to distract yourself from those thoughts? Anything that would give you a break from them?
     
  8. demuredawn

    demuredawn Well-Known Member

    not really.... and whats worse i dont even care to find any
     
  9. scaryforest

    scaryforest Banned Member

    relate a bit to the wanting to helping others.

    there being little to no trust.
    it's a little loop... trust self- no- yes- trust noone- yes- no

    and the anger comes and goes in waves too...
     
  10. Kairo

    Kairo Well-Known Member

    I've felt all that in certain ways. Only recently have I started feeling angry...i never used to, and it's very strange. I'm very scared of how I see myself changing and I don't know what to do to stop it, or if i have the energy to..like you said.
    I relate to wanting to be helpful too...I feel like i'm most worthwhile when I'm being helpful to someone. But then I tend to feel selfish afterwards, because I question whether I even care about helping anyone, or if I'm only doing it to make myself feel better.

    Everything feels over-thought and emotional and confused.
    I think a lot of it comes from not talking to anyone about it ... being afraid to talk and just letting it build up, and feeling anger and resentment for not being understood.
    Do you feel like you could talk to someone you trust more than others? ...maybe it takes time to talk to people ...It's uncomfortable for people to hear things like that
    Do you think you could try again with someone?
     
  11. demuredawn

    demuredawn Well-Known Member

    Honestly, atm, I am feeling all those emotions to the extreme.... anger, bitterness, depression, fear, hurt... and really I trust nobody. I used to trust freely, I used to give everyone a bit of my love freely, I used to do lot of things... and I didn't do them with the naive thought that I could never get hurt by doing so, I did so in order to show them some kindness in hopes that showing them a bit of kindness would give them a bit of incentive to return kindness to others. I have been hurt to the point that I can no longer be the person I was. To the point I can no longer believe in the things that I held fast to as reasons to live. To the point that I can no longer be as helpful as I once was because too much of me has been crushed and seen as acceptable to do so. I was very open to people and it got shoved back at me, so no, it doesn't come from holding things in.... it comes from being hurt by people here as well as people in my real life.
     
  12. Kairo

    Kairo Well-Known Member

    I see...
    That kind of hurt is hard to repair. It might take a lot of work and time, but I hope you can learn to trust someone with your feelings again, even if it's little by little. Maybe you'll never be the same, but you might be better...you know now that it's important to protect yourself, and that you have to choose your confidantes wisely. Maybe it's insulting for me to say that things could ever be better because of what has happened. I just mean to say you shouldn't give up on yourself...or on other people. That isn't to say you should forgive those who have hurt you, either.

    Do you see a counselor of some sort? someone to talk to?
     
  13. demuredawn

    demuredawn Well-Known Member

    as i said... i never "didn't know" that i needed to protect myself or choose my confidantes wisely... giving away trust freely and opening up freely was a concious, fully aware of the risks choice i made ... for the sole purpose of giving kindness so that maybe kindness could be spread wider than it is. honestly, i think the point has come that i should give up on people... because in the end, the only person that you can trust to be there for you, is you... i have been hurt in a myriad of ways since i was 12. i dont feel free to talk about those hurts anymore, but if you browse the forums in the past you can see where i've spoke about them. i am finding that even on a site such as this people find ways to not just be hurtful but to be damaging and have it be acceptable.... so no, i dont think that giving up on humanity is a bad thing, i think it is the rational thing, and the only thing that can be done if i still have any love for myself, which i guess i do.... but i also still want to help others... its just that i will never truly trust anyone ever again...
     
  14. scaryforest

    scaryforest Banned Member

    for what my word is worth, you are extremely helpful and in practical ways too. and you question and make people think

    like you said to me, my inbox is not far away. and again, relating how difficult it is to talk about things gone by and old hurts too
     
  15. demuredawn

    demuredawn Well-Known Member

    thank you