Hello everyone. Prepare for a wall of text that most won't read. I've pretty much made up my mind to commit suicide. I thought I would post on a couple forums about the topic as I'm open minded and thought maybe someone could possibly give me a reason that I haven't been able to think of myself not to do it. Why anyone would care, I'm not sure. Let me begin with what will probably be too much history about myself. I'm a 35 year old male. From a child until my senior year in high school I had one or two friends. One of them moved away in third grade and I had one friend, whom I didn't really find fun, but was my friend. His parents were very strict and didn't let him go out much so I was alone most of the time. I was picked on by most classmates, beat up, threatened, made fun of, etc. My mom was over protective of me. She also spent a lot of her time crying in her room or sleeping. She loved for people to feel sorry for her. My dad had serious anger issues. He would throw things and when he gave us a "spanking" he used his belt and really took out his anger with it on us. Other than yelling at me or telling me what to do or what I didn't do, there was little conversation with my father. My two older sisters were out of the house before I was old enough to really remember. I was an accident and our ages are pretty far apart. I hated school and I hated going home. I ditched school often. Everyone really seemed to hate me and I never could figure out why. I was always nice to everyone. Even the police would go out of their way to harass me. I have countless stories of that but it would be an entire post itself. Anyone here believe in luck? We'll I have no choice. I have plenty of it, but it's the bad kind. Far too many times have I been in the wrong place at the wrong time. Circumstances and events that place me in the blame too outrageous for anyone to believe occurred numerous times. I already know what you're thinking. Everyone has bad luck now and again. It's really not the same with me. Multiple simultaneous factors converge far too often and far too severely as compared with most people, or most anything. It's like I won the lottery 10 times in a row, except in my world, winning the lottery is a horrible thing. I've been blamed for doing things that I had nothing to do with so many times I could write a novel with the stories. Most of the them don't have terrible outcomes, but some do. For instance, on a October night, Friday the 13th no less, full moon, I was jogging as normal at a quiet location I go to because usually nobody is there. I stop and tie my shoe, double knots, probably a minute to a minute and a half tops. Continue jogging. Three days later a DEA swat team arrests me at my work. DEA had nothing better to do that day I was told. A detective tells me I was arrested for public indecency. What? Another panic attack sets in. By this time in my life I was cursed with panic attacks. I didn't do anything! I didn't know what I was being arrested for yet but I finally found out and put the pieces together. Some kids playing four square about 150 feet away from where I was tying my shoe that day told their mom that they saw a man hunched over and thought I was masturbating. These kids were 13-14 years old, four of them. Three of them claimed to have seen, and this is verbatim from the report, "an arm movement". Do note, my back was to them and my flyless jogging shorts around my waist. They put me in jail, for tying my shoe. I thought I was going to die in jail. I was starting to want to. I kept thinking I could jump off the second story head first into the middle of the rec room in the protective custody area. I didn't sleep much at all. I almost ate nothing. I was there for a mere 16 days but I thought I was there for months. Panic attacks, anger, fear, hopelessness. On that 16th day I was given my first court appearance. I was told on that day I had two choices. All this time I had planned on pleading not guilty of course. That was before I knew what the trick was. Why our judicial system is so flawed. My choices were to either A) Accept a plea bargain and get out of jail right then and there, or B) Plea not guilty and go back to jail for possibly months awaiting court. My bail was set at $10,000 and now my friends and family thought I was some perv and they weren't going to pay to get me out. I would of done just about anything to get out of jail that day as I'm sure a lot of people do all the time. It was literally no choice. I accepted a plea bargain and got 5 years probation and my had to register as a sex offender. I jumped ahead a lot there. I skipped over tons of events to go to one of the more harsh ones. There are others like it. The events have left me with almost no friends. I have a couple, but they too aren't sure about me. I spend most of my time alone as I have most of my life. I went to my first party when I was 26 years old. I had the most friends I have ever had at that point in time, around 8 or so. I had my first kiss at 19. She broke my heart a month later. I've had two girlfriends. Lost my virginity at 26 to my only sexual partner. If you want to even call it sex. I'm not good at sex, nor at anything else. I can't do anything well and spent most of my life on disability. They found me unfit for work due to my cognitive ability being of an 80 year old man with a 6th grade education. ADHD and numerous other mental disorders. I've had around 13 jobs, some lasting over a year, but always people do not like me. From day one someone will just hate me for no reason. This is before I was in jail or had any kind of reputation. I could amaze you with the hatred I've endured and make you disbelieve anyone could be that cruel to a stranger. I'm not attractive nor hideous. I think most would just say I was unattractive. Skinny, yet pudgy in the middle. Never drank alcohol nor done any illegal drugs, save marijuana a few times. I used to have at least one passion in life. One force that kept me going and that was games. I loved to play videos games and was excited for the next one to come out. That passion is all but gone. I keep getting the latest games, but the excitement wears off fast and I find myself no longer caring about them. I have no enjoyment in life, at all. I have nothing to look forward to. I'm an unattractive middle aged loser with nothing to offer who brings about tons of bad luck everywhere he goes. I hardly know anything about anything, I talk to myself as I'm the only one ever here and I cry myself to sleep more often than I would like to admit. I suffer from insomnia and panic attacks. Up until a couple days ago I had a pretty girl as a friend. She would watch movies with me and we would chat a lot. She decided she didn't want to talk to me anymore and that was that. I wasn't in love with her or anything, but she was the last person Ihad to talk to. Sure I have a couple other friends that I see on occasion. Every two to three weekeneds or so we hang out. But nobody to talk to but myself on a daily basis again. I was like this for years. I will miss the company so much. At least as long as I'm alive. Being alive is torture to me. This isn't living, this is existing. Every day when I wake up from dreaming I go back to this existence. Back to depression, back to heartache, to loneliness, to my loser self. I've began to hate myself as much as everyone else has. This isn't everything I wanted to write, not by a long shot, but it's already too long. So knowing this much about me, what reason would I have to stay alive?