To whom it won't concern:

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by gonesoon, Nov 8, 2009.

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  1. gonesoon

    gonesoon New Member

    Hello everyone. Prepare for a wall of text that most won't read.

    I've pretty much made up my mind to commit suicide. I thought I would post on a couple forums about the topic as I'm open minded and thought maybe someone could possibly give me a reason that I haven't been able to think of myself not to do it.

    Why anyone would care, I'm not sure. Let me begin with what will probably be too much history about myself.

    I'm a 35 year old male. From a child until my senior year in high school I had one or two friends. One of them moved away in third grade and I had one friend, whom I didn't really find fun, but was my friend. His parents were very strict and didn't let him go out much so I was alone most of the time. I was picked on by most classmates, beat up, threatened, made fun of, etc.

    My mom was over protective of me. She also spent a lot of her time crying in her room or sleeping. She loved for people to feel sorry for her. My dad had serious anger issues. He would throw things and when he gave us a "spanking" he used his belt and really took out his anger with it on us. Other than yelling at me or telling me what to do or what I didn't do, there was little conversation with my father. My two older sisters were out of the house before I was old enough to really remember. I was an accident and our ages are pretty far apart.

    I hated school and I hated going home. I ditched school often. Everyone really seemed to hate me and I never could figure out why. I was always nice to everyone. Even the police would go out of their way to harass me. I have countless stories of that but it would be an entire post itself.

    Anyone here believe in luck? We'll I have no choice. I have plenty of it, but it's the bad kind. Far too many times have I been in the wrong place at the wrong time. Circumstances and events that place me in the blame too outrageous for anyone to believe occurred numerous times. I already know what you're thinking. Everyone has bad luck now and again. It's really not the same with me. Multiple simultaneous factors converge far too often and far too severely as compared with most people, or most anything. It's like I won the lottery 10 times in a row, except in my world, winning the lottery is a horrible thing.

    I've been blamed for doing things that I had nothing to do with so many times I could write a novel with the stories. Most of the them don't have terrible outcomes, but some do. For instance, on a October night, Friday the 13th no less, full moon, I was jogging as normal at a quiet location I go to because usually nobody is there. I stop and tie my shoe, double knots, probably a minute to a minute and a half tops. Continue jogging. Three days later a DEA swat team arrests me at my work. DEA had nothing better to do that day I was told. A detective tells me I was arrested for public indecency.

    What? Another panic attack sets in. By this time in my life I was cursed with panic attacks. I didn't do anything! I didn't know what I was being arrested for yet but I finally found out and put the pieces together. Some kids playing four square about 150 feet away from where I was tying my shoe that day told their mom that they saw a man hunched over and thought I was masturbating. These kids were 13-14 years old, four of them. Three of them claimed to have seen, and this is verbatim from the report, "an arm movement". Do note, my back was to them and my flyless jogging shorts around my waist. They put me in jail, for tying my shoe.

    I thought I was going to die in jail. I was starting to want to. I kept thinking I could jump off the second story head first into the middle of the rec room in the protective custody area. I didn't sleep much at all. I almost ate nothing. I was there for a mere 16 days but I thought I was there for months. Panic attacks, anger, fear, hopelessness. On that 16th day I was given my first court appearance. I was told on that day I had two choices. All this time I had planned on pleading not guilty of course. That was before I knew what the trick was. Why our judicial system is so flawed.

    My choices were to either A) Accept a plea bargain and get out of jail right then and there, or B) Plea not guilty and go back to jail for possibly months awaiting court. My bail was set at $10,000 and now my friends and family thought I was some perv and they weren't going to pay to get me out.

    I would of done just about anything to get out of jail that day as I'm sure a lot of people do all the time. It was literally no choice. I accepted a plea bargain and got 5 years probation and my had to register as a sex offender.

    I jumped ahead a lot there. I skipped over tons of events to go to one of the more harsh ones. There are others like it. The events have left me with almost no friends. I have a couple, but they too aren't sure about me. I spend most of my time alone as I have most of my life.

    I went to my first party when I was 26 years old. I had the most friends I have ever had at that point in time, around 8 or so. I had my first kiss at 19. She broke my heart a month later. I've had two girlfriends. Lost my virginity at 26 to my only sexual partner. If you want to even call it sex. I'm not good at sex, nor at anything else.

    I can't do anything well and spent most of my life on disability. They found me unfit for work due to my cognitive ability being of an 80 year old man with a 6th grade education. ADHD and numerous other mental disorders. I've had around 13 jobs, some lasting over a year, but always people do not like me. From day one someone will just hate me for no reason. This is before I was in jail or had any kind of reputation. I could amaze you with the hatred I've endured and make you disbelieve anyone could be that cruel to a stranger.

    I'm not attractive nor hideous. I think most would just say I was unattractive. Skinny, yet pudgy in the middle. Never drank alcohol nor done any illegal drugs, save marijuana a few times.

    I used to have at least one passion in life. One force that kept me going and that was games. I loved to play videos games and was excited for the next one to come out. That passion is all but gone. I keep getting the latest games, but the excitement wears off fast and I find myself no longer caring about them. I have no enjoyment in life, at all.

    I have nothing to look forward to. I'm an unattractive middle aged loser with nothing to offer who brings about tons of bad luck everywhere he goes. I hardly know anything about anything, I talk to myself as I'm the only one ever here and I cry myself to sleep more often than I would like to admit.

    I suffer from insomnia and panic attacks. Up until a couple days ago I had a pretty girl as a friend. She would watch movies with me and we would chat a lot. She decided she didn't want to talk to me anymore and that was that. I wasn't in love with her or anything, but she was the last person Ihad to talk to. Sure I have a couple other friends that I see on occasion. Every two to three weekeneds or so we hang out. But nobody to talk to but myself on a daily basis again. I was like this for years. I will miss the company so much. At least as long as I'm alive.

    Being alive is torture to me. This isn't living, this is existing. Every day when I wake up from dreaming I go back to this existence. Back to depression, back to heartache, to loneliness, to my loser self. I've began to hate myself as much as everyone else has.

    This isn't everything I wanted to write, not by a long shot, but it's already too long. So knowing this much about me, what reason would I have to stay alive?
  2. perfectempire

    perfectempire Active Member

    I read it. I care. And let me tell you why:

    1. What happened to you could happen to any of us. Especially the whole getting arrested thing. I knew a girl who had her identity stolen. She found this out after she got arrested and interrogated for financial crimes that she did not commit. I actually know a handful of people who have been falsely accused of crimes. You are not alone. And you totally got screwed over by the legal system. If you can muster up the motivation I suggest you find an attorney and reverse this injustice. The way that sex offenders are treated in my community is inhumane and terrible. Recently a man was harassed until he had to move from a few miles from where I live. It angers me because we don't know what really happened, hell he might have been YOU! Bottom line: I care because your story could become my story given the correct circumstances. Life is unpredictable and unfair.

    2. You are a fellow human. Thus you share in this experience commonly referred to as "the human condition". You are a comrade in that sense.

    3. You are posting on a suicide forum. Again, you are a comrade of mine!

    So now that we've established that I care, let me tell you why I think you might want to consider living, at least for a bit longer.

    1. What happened to you could happen again to anybody. Live so that you can share your story and help correct the justice system. Live for justice.

    2. Your ability to write all of that is evidence to me that you are more capable of success in this world than you probably think. You write much better than a 6th grader. Your intellectual capability indicates that you have potential to succeed. Just because you have potential does not mean that you have to fulfill it - that is your choice. But if I were you I would hang on and keep plugging away at this living thing. At least you have potential. That's not something that everybody has. So try to use it - try to use it for all of the men who can't. Start an online project maybe? For registered sex offenders who are innocent. Or for people who were mistreated as you were. The point is to get out there and use what you have to make something. Then even if you commit suicide, you'll have left something behind for this world.

    3. Live so that you can enjoy the abilities that you have and the fruits of your labor. You are not stupid or illiterate or ignorant even. You are just not motivated, you are just unwell. Revel in the fact that you can write. Even if it's all you have. Live for that enjoyment.

    I tried. I hope it helps that someone read what you wrote. I hope you find justice...and then peace.
  3. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    I just want you to know that I read your post, and I care. The post above mine said most of what I wanted to say, but I hope you stay here and give us a chance. There really are people who care, and who will reach out to you and want to be your friends.

    :hug: Please try to hang on.
  4. DS

    DS Account Closed

    I too have read every word you wrote. My heart goes out to you and I too, care. You've joined a family of sorts here, and truly, none of us could bear the loss.

    My head is not very clear right now and my heart is trashed(and just prior to writing to you, I've been kicked in the teeth-sometimes life sucks), otherwise I might be able to offer a few helpful words...the previous poster has some good insights and made some excellent suggestions. Maybe you could hang in there long enough, until my head clears up...then we can talk or perhaps you'll be able to connect with someone else here...or a few someones.

    If it gets too rough, there is a chat place here...let folks know you need to talk and don't give up. Some folks may be going through a hard time themselves, and not be able to be there for you. Don't give up. Oh, don't know if it will work for you, but sometimes just focusing on the conversations in chat, provides enough diversion...might give you something to focus on or divert your attention. Just following the words...they don't even have to sink in but it may help keep you from focusing on what hurts, long enough to provide a break from it.

    If you'll go to the Suicide forum, click on the 2nd and 3rd stickies. Go to the last page. There are some good words there. I'd link to them but don't know how. If you get frustrated looking, message me and i'll provide better instructions. Also, just hunt around the boards a bit...there are some good things...may provide a bit of encouragement.

    You are not alone in this. Myself and folks I've known, have had rough times...rougher than should be. I've known (through some advocacy work) several folks with seizure disorders who've been harassed by the police. A couple of them arrested in similar fashion as yourself. One actually went to prison for a while.

    If it helps, keep writing, we'll keep reading. Maybe you can take comfort knowing there are folks who care enough to listen to what you have to say. Maybe getting some of it out, will provide a bit of relief.

    You have within you a lot of potential to help others...Please stick around. In the work I do, my biggest complaint is the lack of action by other people...lack of caring. My job would be so much easier, I'd sleep better at night, if there were a few more folks who cared, and acted on it. You could be one of those folks who care and do something to show it.

    Please don't give up.
  5. Reki

    Reki Well-Known Member

    You don't sound like a loser to me. Honestly, self-awareness is one of the best things a person can have and something way too many people lack these days. While you might not be that fond of yourself, I think the fact that you do look at yourself with an honest mind is a very good thing. I don't really know how to convey it properly in words, but you sound like you have a good heart and I'd be sorry to see you go.
  6. gonesoon

    gonesoon New Member

    Thank you everyone for your posts and kind words. It does really help to get it out. I will make every attempt at the suggestions posted.

    Last night was really bad but I'm not quite so bad at the moment. I couldn't sleep last night, my thoughts wouldn't quit. My neck gets tense and my heart pounds and keeps me awake.

    I'm going to try to find a hobby or do something where I might meet people. I don't know what yet but I'm trying to be more hopeful. I still have the notion that nobody is going to like me but I'm going to try anyway as I've got nothing to lose.

    I'm trying to convince myself that even if I'm just going through the motions, it's better than nothing. It's hard to do when I'm sad more often than not. I'm trying not to dwell on it but it's proving hard to do.

    I'm jealous of most people, when I see them laughing with friends or holding hands with the one they love. I'm happy for them but sad at the same time.

    I'm still uncertain if I want to live or not, but I'm at least going to give it some more time and chance. Just try to take it one day at a time. I just need some happiness. Here's to hoping I find some.
  7. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    I hate not being able to sleep. And I know what you mean, about the tension and pounding heart. Almost like an anxiety or panic attack. Mine always used to appear at night when I had too much time to think.

    I'm glad you're at least willing to try, and I hope you find that happiness!!
  8. samba101

    samba101 Member

    It angers me that the kids made up a lie and you had to suffer for it they don't know the severe repercussions of what you had to go through. Hopefully they get what's owing to them in the end.
  9. rx4brdm

    rx4brdm Well-Known Member

    Under some circumstances I'm in the same boat. About the same age. A lot of junk has been thrown at me over the years and it piles up. But talking to the people here has given me reason to not give up.

    You have joined us here, so you have not given up yet and we want you to keep talking.
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