To you it might be trivial...

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Sa Palomera, Aug 5, 2008.

  1. Sa Palomera

    Sa Palomera Well-Known Member

    But to me it isn't.

    Last night I got so frustrated.
    My English speech wasn't good last night. The pronunciation wasn't what it's supposed to be and I had to think more about the words to use. I got so frustrated I burst into tears. :dry:

    I already hate the fact that Dutch is my first language rather than English. And I really do not like the fact that I have to speak Dutch most of the time (at work, with friends, in stores). I hate it so much that often, when I'm in a city where nobody knows me, I pretend not to be Dutch, and just speak English to people in stores and all.

    But you know.. My English normally is okay. Not as good as I want it to be, because in all honesty I just want to have an accent that resembles either Australian or British. I just want people to think English is my first language when they hear me speak English. I don't want people to hear that it's not.
    But at least my English normally is okay, you know. People understand me and I know my English is better than some other people.

    But last night.. It got me so fucking frustrated. How could I all of a sudden not speak proper English?
    It got me so self-conscious. :sad: Normally I do a lot of voice clips when I'm chatting on MSN while in bed cos I'm too lazy to move just to type to people. Last night I ended up typing, cos I couldn't bear the fact that my English was worse than normal. Even though I know it still was better than some of my friends' English.

    I feel like such a whiny douchebag for whining about something like this. Something which many people will think is so trivial. But to me it isn't. Language (English in particular) is one of the most important things in my life.

    *sigh* :sad:

    I feel like I was born in the wrong place. Well not so much the wrong place, cos I love the Netherlands if it comes to nature and environment and certain government policies.. But I was born into the wrong family or something. I wish I was born into an English speaking family.

    This has gotten me down so much.. I'm too scared to say anything in English now, in fear of it being 'bad' again. :sad:

    Please, I would appreciate if there would be no replies like "But your English is good", cos it'll only make me feel worse for whining about this. Cos part of me knows my English is alright. But you know it's just that: alright. It's not good enough for me. If it comes to English I'm a fucking perfectionist :sad:

    I need to get drunk. At least then I don't care about how bad my English is. :unsure:
  2. Ozibuna

    Ozibuna Well-Known Member

    Wicked story:D Well if you feel like a whining douchebag then you probably are. So you like english more then dutch, it aint that big of a deal. It's all about expressing yourself, each and everyone does it in his own way. Some compromise some dont, your choice not others. Same as you liking it or not, or anybody else for that matter. It's a choice not a induced thought. Besides you only got 2 choices here, either deal with it, and make yourself better, IF you feel like it OR carry on being, and i quote :D, a "whining douchebag" hehehe. (but then again it's what i chose now isnt it?:D)

    - Hope you can see the beauty in it. :D
  3. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    It can be frustrating when something that you work so hard at suddenly seems to fail you. It was probably just a fluke ish . Maybe you had too many other things on your mind. Try not to let it get to you too much. English is my native language and I sometimes manage to mess it up too. :hug:
  4. aki

    aki Well-Known Member

    I'd absolutely love to be dutch :biggrin: I've always thought that, I always used to choose Holland as the country to do a project on at school. Yeah but I've always appreciated how lucky I am to have English as my first language. It doesn't sound trivial at all, it sounds totally frustrating. I did find like just with learning languages (and not getting anywhere with them) at school, I found out absolutely loads about my own if you have to dissect it that much, you find out about words, their meanings and origins. about structure, all that stuff....:blink: if that makes sense haha. So to learn another language in as much depth as you have with English must be even more rewarding in this regard.
  5. Colourful

    Colourful Well-Known Member

    Can i ask why you don't like having dutch as your first language? I'd love to speak dutch, or just any other language for that matter. Lately i've been obsessed with learning arabic :blink: I got as far as learning the alphabet, but that was like 3 weeks i've forgotten dsome letters :sad:
  6. Sa Palomera

    Sa Palomera Well-Known Member

    It's not so much that I hate Dutch being my first language, but the fact that English isn't. :sad:
    Dutch is an okay language, be it difficult to learn for foreigners. Supposedly Italian, Spanish and French are easier to learn than German and Dutch. Which I can agree with, looking at them languages. Especially cos we've got certain sounds that English speaking people can hardly pronounce, if at all!

    It's just that I hate that English isn't my first language, because I love everything to do with Australia and the UK, and I love speaking the language. I just get so fucking frustrated when I can't express myself properly.
    Though I can express myself better in English than in Dutch. My Dutch isn't really that good anymore either :rolleyes:
    Until a year ago, I spent so much time locked in my room, just chatting with people online. Mostly non Dutch people, so basically all my chats were in English. I barely ever spoke to any Dutch people, irl nor online, so my Dutch actually got worse then.
    Add to that the fact that I grew up in a family where we speak a dialect which is sort of a mixture between German and Dutch.. And you'll see my Dutch ain't that good.
    Now I live somewhere where they don't speak that dialect.

    So all in all, I'm in a position, where my Dutch isn't good enough, cos I keep throwing dialect as well as English words in when I can't think of the Dutch word. My dialect isn't as good anymore since I've moved to where I live now, so I keep throwing Dutch and English words in when I can't think of the dialect word. My English isn't good enough, so I have to think and make errors or just shut up completely.

    Thinking about it makes me feel like I belong nowhere. :dry:
  7. plates

    plates Well-Known Member

    I just wanted to say what is English really? The language is constantly changing, if you're in the UK, you will find everywhere, the language is moving, is different because of lots of cultural influences- people everywhere have always been mixing the language. In different parts of the country, in cities etc, you'll find people speaking with different dialects, accents, mixing a lot of words together like poetry. Maybe try and bear that in mind, maybe you're obsessing over a certain mythical type of English language that you've been taught.
  8. Vitreledonellidae

    Vitreledonellidae Well-Known Member

    Ok while i was reading, i was thinking you must be really pathetic when you that frustrates you so much, makes you burst into tears. But than I remembered, realised all the things you wanted to do, you need it for, that it is such a big part of your life. I have something similar, its my passion, its my life, its my future. And it is a big deal!! Anyway I think you probly still speak prober english like always, but maybe youre getting to hard for yourself, because you want to get better. Maybe, i dont know.. Anyway Im still going to tell you, I know you dont want to hear it, I never wanted to hear it too, but believe me, when youre not hearing it anymore it makes you feel so much worser. Soooo.... youre english is damn good!! Sometimes critism can be good, for improvement, but dont be to hard for yourself, be realistic. Lots of times you speak it better, know the grammar better than the 'english' people
  9. Lady Byron

    Lady Byron Well-Known Member

    you know, i get how you feel. english was not my first language, spanish was. but i don't know how to speak it anymore so it's as if i never knew how. i wish that i spoke anything but english. this may sound weird, but i always felt i was born into the wrong race/ethnicity. . . i'm trying to learn German, but my mom wouldn't let me take that until jr. year in high school so i'm still pretty new to it. i love it though.
  10. Abacus21

    Abacus21 Staff Alumni

    Heya Est...

    Your English is fluent, I'd say - as has been said - often foreigners speak better English than most English people, as while we've developed bad habits, you've been taught the language and have perfect grammar etc. You're one of those people :)

    What I found when learning German, and when I went on the language course in Berlin for a couple of weeks, is that I made mistakes with grammar etc, didn't know words, but you get around it by communicating the gist - and your English is far far far (etc!) better than my German is!

    You carry on speaking and writing English to your heart's content Est - you definitely won't hear any complaints from me :) :hug:
    (As an aside: while your English pronounciation may not be spot on 100% of the time, 99% of the time is is. Give me a Dutch word however, and I wouldn't know where to start! - You've got a headstart on many of us here :tongue: )

    :hug: :)

    EDIT: Just read your reply asking that no ''Your English is good'' replies please .... sorry! But it had to be said hun :) . We all mess up at times... I did a night-shift last night, and came home at 8am this morning, and I was getting my words in the wrong order! It happens :) . Keep your chin up!
  11. Sa Palomera

    Sa Palomera Well-Known Member

    You've got it spot on there.
    The things that I live for, my goals, my dreams, my dream job. It all involves English. :sad:
  12. LetItGo

    LetItGo Staff Alumni

    Your english is easily good enough to pass in casual conversation Est, and im sure its only going to get better. In terms of wanting to sound Australian or English, chances are your accent will always play a role in your speech. My dads been in Australia since his early twenties, you can still tell he wasnt born here...still that slight english accent coming in.

    Anyway all it means is that when you do eventually make it too Australian shores you have that exotic european thing going for me, its better than sounding like a westie.
  13. Bob26003

    Bob26003 Well-Known Member

    Ester, I don't mean to sound rude. But I think it is so cute, even sexy, when English is the second language and people with other accents try to speak it.
    Especially Russians, I love that accent! I don't really know what dutch sounds like.

    But in America, People would think it is cool. I would. :smile:
    Variety is the spice of Life.