Toby Turner made me cry

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Øyvind, Feb 23, 2012.

  1. Øyvind

    Øyvind Senior Member

    In his latest Let's Play Limbo episode, he started singing "There's gotta be more to life". That brought me back. I had forgotten that song. So I searched Youtube for "there's gotta be more to life" and found the music video. Stacie Orrico. Remember her? And I watched/listened to it. SO many feelings and memories came back to me. The atmosphere that my life had when that song was popular came back. All these memories. Of being bullied in school. Of loving the Matrix movies, playing "Enter The Matrix" and being exited for "The Matrix Revolutions" to be released. Of being a little bit depressed, but also happy and hopeful. Of being a person. Of having opportunities.Of having a personality, and interests, and all the things you associate with a human being. And of watching that music video on my little TV in my room at night on a Music Video-Dj type TV program on NRK2, while waiting for Letterman to start. Of this guy being on Letterman and talking about how his heart stopped, but that the brain keeps working about a minute after you've "died", so he continued to think while he was out, and he said he thoutgh that the paramedics better hurry up and revive him. And how fascinated I was by that. And how I during that time stopped fearing death after watching Matrix Revolutions and also watching that interview, and how I kind of wanted to die(but I wasn't suicidal), because dying seemed relaxing, and not at all scary anymore. I can smell the deoderant I used.

    And I looked Stacy up on wikipedia. The song was released in late 2003. 2003! When I was 13! And It's been almost 9 years since then. Way too much time has passed. But that 13 year old kid is who I am! That kid was fucking cool. He only had one semi-friend in school, and wasn't well liked by the other kids in school because they thought that guy was ugly, and therefore he had no right to be alive. But he was fucking cool! And so many feelings were triggered by hearing this song and seeing the video again. And now I'm crying. Crying! Another instance when I realize how much time has passed, and how old I've gotten, and how far back in time everything that has to do with me is, and that everything is lost, it's not coming back, and neither am I. And nothing makes it better. And if I die now, it won't be with the feeling that I thought I would have when I was 13, because I'm not a person anymore, and I don't feel that much anymore, I'm just sleepwalking and it doesn't feel real at all. I'm not capable of feeling that feeling that I'm finally getting som relaxation, that I spent so much time imagining when I was 13. I don't feel much emotions other than sadness, rage etc. If only I could feel like I did before
    Last edited by a moderator: Feb 23, 2012
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hugs to you hun sorry that kid was bullied in a way tears are good hun releasing some of that pain that was held onto You hun have made it you are a survivor okay so don't go let those people that hurt you win don't give them anymore power ok You are cool you are a fighter hugs to you
  3. Øyvind

    Øyvind Senior Member

    That wasn't even the first popular Stacy Orrico song. The first one, that also is sort of a theme song for my first year at Youth School, is Stuck: Argh I'm so depressed. Enough already!