Today I nearly lost the only thing that has kept me going... My 14yr old cat. I know that may sound stupid to some but when nothing else matters because I am alone, he is my reason for getting up, going to work, and coming home alive. I knew this time would come when he would get old and die but I wasn't ready for it today. He went from being fine to on death's door in less than 12 hours. He labored through the night with difficulty breathing and in obvious discomfort. I waited until morning to take him to a vet only to find that he had fluid build up in his chest area which was compressing against his lungs. On top of that, he may have cancer and/or heart disease. As I waited for the results of his exam, I went through the possible scenarios. The obvious was to euthanize him immediately to release him of any pain and suffering. But the selfishness in me wanted to keep him alive for just a little longer. I don't know why that made any logical sense. He's an old cat, he has health issues that will only lead to him suffering, and I am only delaying the inevitable. I guess a part of me wanted to believe in hope that he will be fine. That his health problems will magically disappear. But they won't. It's only a matter of days or weeks before fluid will fill his chest again and he will be back to where he was today. When the vet brought him out to be with me, I thought he would be in bad shape and it would make my decision to let go easier. Instead, he seemed like his old self... Curious and somewhat energetic. It didn't seem right that he should have to die today if he was in "better health". But that hope faded as he got home and the sedatives wore off. He lost his energy and seems sad. Have I cheated him of bliss to make myself feel better? I am thinking yes. Am I a bad father? Maybe. But I kept him alive to give me purpose. When he goes, what will I become? I am already terribly depressed with life and with him gone, I no longer have the anchor that roots me to this world. With no friends or family I can talk to about this, I predict I will slip into an unchangeable course that will lead to my death. I am a middle aged man with no hope.