Today has suddenly caught up with me and I need help

[Holding my breath]

Today has been traumatic, although perhaps that’s not the correct word. That’s how it’s suddenly feeling tonight, at the time it wasn’t. At the time everything felt very dream like, very calm and I didn’t really have any emotional reaction to the events at all. The short story, I was found this afternoon by someone driving past while I stood somewhere I shouldn’t be. They stopped and moved me away, taking me back to their house before deciding what to do. They were very kind and caring. Tonight all I want to do is go back to where they found me.

Last week my husband found out that I am suicidal. I hadn’t planned to tell him but he found out when I was brought home by the police. Since then although he knows, my secret has remained, nothing has changed. He knows but he doesn’t if that’s makes sense, because I still hide it. I’ve hidden it for so long its habit now.

How can I tell him that today I was back at the place where the police came to me last week? I just can’t. But the secret feels so heavy. The irony is before this week I had someone else at work I could have talked to but despite the fact that I’m avoiding her, which is a whole different story, if I told anyone else they would tell my husband. So I’m trapped.

My stomach is in such a knot and my head is all over the place. I’m so exhausted and yet I still portray the outward image that everything is normal. I do everything as normal, go to work as normal, cook the tea and do the house work as normal. But everything is far from normal on the inside.

 

[BarryW]

Hello,

I am glad that the person who found you was caring. I am trying to follow your story but am having a bit of trouble. Maybe you are being vague in order to be sure to follow site safety rules. It sounds like perhaps you went somewhere in order to make an attempt on your life last week, and then returned there this week. Is that correct?

I don't know anything about your relationship with your husband, but what specifically is keeping you from telling him about what is truly going on with you?

 

[Holding my breath]

Hello,

I am glad that the person who found you was caring. I am trying to follow your story but am having a bit of trouble. Maybe you are being vague in order to be sure to follow site safety rules. It sounds like perhaps you went somewhere in order to make an attempt on your life last week, and then returned there this week. Is that correct?

I don't know anything about your relationship with your husband, but what specifically is keeping you from telling him about what is truly going on with you?

You are correct. As you said I can’t say exactly where I was as it would be breaking the rules. But yes somewhere I could take my life. A place I am obsessed with and even now all I want to do is go back there. Particularly as it’s now dark.

As for the my husband, he loves me very much. He is under so much strain and pressure, not just from me but a multitude of things. He said to me today he was on the edge. Although the police told him where I was last week, we’ve not spoken about it since. The police told him not to allow me out on my own but when I get the opportunity I lie to him and go there. I don’t think he knows how to deal with it so we’ve buried it. I can’t put this one on him again. He’s either bury it again or it would tip him over the edge and I don’t want either to happen. I hate being deceitful. It’s not me at all but I don’t see any other way.

 

[BarryW]

What do you feel are the main reasons that you are you feeling that you want to take your life at this time?

I see how you are hesitant to broach the matter with him due to his own position. I have done the same thing in the past with family members, but have tried to be more honest in recent years. It's a slow process, or maybe I just make it that way. Since it sounds like both of you need to talk about your deep feelings, what about if you both went over to a mutual friend's house, or some kind of building run by an organization that helps people with these thoughts, and just had it out.. talk about it all between you two.. and the other person(s) are there to provide backup or safety net if they need to step in. Maybe something like a couples counselor could work too.. not sure what you have done so far.

 

[Holding my breath]

@BarryW That’s a difficult question to answer and has a very long story. Perhaps not typical reasons as I have a husband, home and job. But I have been struggling with severe depression caused by a range of factors and events for a long time now and have reached the end of the road. I’ve asked for help but it is very slow and I’ve been turned away so many times. It’s a very lonely road. As I told the person doing my assessment the other week. If I have the opportunity I’ll take it. This afternoon I had the opportunity.

I think that would be the only way I could tell him fully. If someone else was there with us. Perhaps someone else who I got to know first. But that takes time and everything is so deceitful until then. But I am hiding it to protect him.

 

[BarryW]

I understand, any feeling like this can be very complex in origin.

Please take the time to think on who you might be able to have the chat with him soon. In the next week or two? It could be someone you both know or someone you both don't know, to be fair, if that matters. Your husband might have some ideas of who to talk to as well, if you can think of a way to ask.

Sending positive feelings your way during this hard time in your life.

 

[Holding my breath]

@ BarryW Thank you. That’s very kind

 

[Marga]

Hi, I am sorry you are feeling like this.😢 Would just like to add a note: I understand completely why you are hiding this from your husband. It is nice of you to want to protect him. However, please bear in mind also that the worst thing for him would be if something really were to happen to you. And if you learn how to talk about this together, maybe it could help you resolve the issue in the end. But I understand your reasons and of course you have to do what you feel is safe for you both at a given moment.

 

[may71]

Hugs @Holding my breath

As I told the person doing my assessment the other week

You've had an assessment, but you haven't seen a therapist yet, is that correct?

*edit Ok, I checked your previous posts and you have seen a therapist. Have you talked to your therapist about feeling suicidal, or are you not telling your therapist because you are worried that it will get back to your husband?

 

[Holding my breath]

Hugs @Holding my breath

As I told the person doing my assessment the other week

You've had an assessment, but you haven't seen a therapist yet, is that correct?

*edit Ok, I checked your previous posts and you have seen a therapist. Have you talked to your therapist about feeling suicidal, or are you not telling your therapist because you are worried that it will get back to your husband?

I was very open with my therapist which worried her and she ended up calling the police and referring me to the community mental health team. They did the initial assessment a couple of weeks ago and have referred me to the psychiatrist. It’s like you have all these hoops you have to jump through to finally get to the wizard! They won’t let you through if you are not bad enough.

I’ve had the police contacted 5 times since March, twice in the last fortnight, with someone concerned for my welfare. It’s getting ridiculous. I had another call today. I had just got home and the police rang saying that they’d been contacted and wanted to check I was ok. Normally they insist on actually seeing me but this time at least I was able to persuade them I didn’t need a house visit. The crazy thing is, each call is dealt with separately from the others and they don’t link to the previous calls. So they ask for my address every single time.

I have told him I’ve had a bad day today. I can do that. He acknowledges it and then we carry on as if nothing is wrong. It’s the big things I don’t/can’t tell him. I think it’s partly about breaking his trust. He trusts me to go out on my own and when I betray that trust and go to my suicide location he can’t know. But then when things happen because I went there it gets complicated. It’s just me being deceitful and a horrible person. I don’t know what he’d do if he knew. He might stop me going out but it would be worse if he was disappointed in me for betraying his trust.

Really bad day today, head in a terrible place and being reckless, hence the police call. I think I just need to go to bed.

 

[may71]

Hugs

 

[BarryW]

So you finally got to the wizard/psychiatrist? Or your appointment is in the future?

Hmm that's interesting they ask for your address every call, when they already have it and the person(s) who asked for the checkup probably know it. Then again, my utility companies like to ask me where I live all the time, even when I am logged in to their site.

I hope you can rest up well and wake up ready to kick butt tomorrow.

 

[Holding my breath]

So you finally got to the wizard/psychiatrist? Or your appointment is in the future?

Hmm that's interesting they ask for your address every call, when they already have it and the person(s) who asked for the checkup probably know it. Then again, my utility companies like to ask me where I live all the time, even when I am logged in to their site.

I hope you can rest up well and wake up ready to kick butt tomorrow.

Thank you. Psychiatrist appointment is on Monday. I just need to make it until then. I’ve been so bad today after yesterday I’ve done way to much self harm (meds misuse, small OD’s) probably the worst for some time.

I get the impression they don’t know my address. I have a fake address logged with the person who phoned the police today. I put my real tel number which is how they knew my telephone number to call. But the police knew my old address today which I’ve never given them and haven’t lived at for 3 years. All very odd.

About to go to bed and take some more tablets to knock myself out tonight. Can’t do today any more.

Fingers crossed tomorrow will feel better but somehow I have my doubts. Take care Xx

 

[BarryW]

Lots of information floating around in databases these days, maybe your old address is in the police database. Hard to contain our info these days.

Am I understanding correctly that you gave a fake address to someone you personally know in the past? This idea catches my interest as something I might want to do in the future depending on the details. Would you mind elaborating a little bit about what inspired you to do that?

Monday.. you got this!

 

[Holding my breath]

Lots of information floating around in databases these days, maybe your old address is in the police database. Hard to contain our info these days.

Am I understanding correctly that you gave a fake address to someone you personally know in the past? This idea catches my interest as something I might want to do in the future depending on the details. Would you mind elaborating a little bit about what inspired you to do that?

Monday.. you got this!

Although I don’t like to admit it here, I’m on another forum. I was on it before I found SF but didn’t really like it or find it hugely helpful. Partly why I looked for alternatives and found SF which is so much better. To register they take your contact details. I think I’d only posted a couple of comments on there when I first started before i found police and ambulance turn up at my door. It was then that I changed/faked my address. Still have my telephone number because I don’t want to cause a full on man hunt but that way when the police ring I can control them coming over and they won’t just turn up. I don’t post very often and I’m always really careful with what I say but I think they watch me quite carefully. I didn’t imply I was going to kill myself yesterday or that I’d OD’d so I was surprised by their reaction. What annoys me is they don’t contact me, they just delete my post and dial 999!

 

[Champagne]

What annoys me is they don’t contact me, they just delete my post and dial 999!

I don't know for sure but could that be their protocol if they think you are a danger to yourself? I imagine them not contacting you may be because they think you are not in your right state of mind. I don't know, all I am 100percent sure of is that I am glad you are safe and that SF will never contact the authorities if you state you are suicidal, a time-out is done, they give you a brief ''break'' from the forum in the hopes you will reach out for help IRL.

You are a wonderful person and I know you are suffering immensely, please know I'm always here to support you no matter what the situation is and so are all of SF. I'm glad I got the chance to meet you, you are a pleasure to talk to x

 

[Holding my breath]

Thank you so much @Champagne You have no idea how much your words mean to me.

 

[Champagne]

Thank you so much @Champagne You have no idea how much your words mean to me.

💞You're wonderful

 

[BarryW]

To register they take your contact details.

Oh I see. Thank you for explaining that. I can understand your annoyance at that other site.. I can't see myself using one like that. But if you get something out of it once in a while keep using it.

How are you feeling today? I have a big bucket of positive waves to spill over to you if asked.

 

[Holding my breath]

To register they take your contact details.

Oh I see. Thank you for explaining that. I can understand your annoyance at that other site.. I can't see myself using one like that. But if you get something out of it once in a while keep using it.

How are you feeling today? I have a big bucket of positive waves to spill over to you if asked.

Bless you, thank you. Same really, not great, sinking really. Finding it difficult because I don’t really want to be safe sometimes. Which I can’t really explain or even understand myself. Just tired perhaps.
Hope you are ok @BarryW and you’ve had a good day. Xx