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Today I am just not fine...

Discussion in 'Mental Health Disorders' started by LadyEmaleth, Sep 23, 2012.

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  1. LadyEmaleth

    LadyEmaleth Member

    I don't even know where to start... Being depressed is probably the most natural state for me. Even when I'm in between the episodes of depression I feel as if it's just hiding inside me waiting for the right moment to flood me with the darkest thoughts and emotions. The last time I had an episode I promised myself that I'm not going to live past the next one and in some weird way giving up gave me strength to rise from the bottom... after all I perceive this as my last stand. So here I am now... not depressed and trying to do something sensible with my life... and I am really satisfied... probably for the first time in this decade I feel like I can breathe... I have great friends and pretty interesting job... I am no longer emotionally abused by anyone and there are moments when I feel genuinely happy... and yet I know that I will loose it all when I get ill again... and I will sooner or later... and I really, really intend to keep that silly promise I made, because I refuse to watch myself loose everything I tried so hard to get. Most of the time I am fine with this idea of an expiration date but this evening I'm just really angry the things are what they are... that I got depressed in the first place, that I do not respond to treatment, that I was denied so many things... Tonight I am frustrated and sad... but then I remind myself that it's pointless to get angry at the course of events for they don't really give a f***. I try to be happy with what I have and I am most of the time... just not this very moment...
    Last edited by a moderator: Sep 23, 2012
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hugs to you hun try to just take each day and look at the positives in it I know depression it sucks hun but you now have the supportive people in place to help you t hrough it.
    You have here to come and talk and let go of the sadness some it helps to just talk It is ok to be sad sometimes hugs
  3. youRprecious!

    youRprecious! Antiquities Friend

  4. Chargette

    Chargette Well-Known Member

    It's good to realize that as far as they are concerned, the anger does nothing. As far as we are concerned, it's going to happen from time to time. I seek to recognize it, accept it, feel it, and let go of it. It seems like it's a step by step process of letting this stuff out and away from us.

    I hope you feel better soon. :hug:
  5. amk666

    amk666 Active Member

    I think I understand how you feel here. Even during my best & most productive periods I'd always assumed that I would die of suicide someday. For the past couple of years my mood has been crashing gradually. Not at the full nadir yet, but getting there:( Definitely concur on the notion of an expiration date.

    I know that in my case even when things are good I know I don't deserve them, don't deserve to be alive or to have positive things in my life. I wonder if something similar isn't fueling your sense of impending catastrophe, Lady. & I wonder to what degree, if any, it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.

    I do hope things remain positive for you, Lady, & you don't wind up in some personal Alamo.

  6. LadyEmaleth

    LadyEmaleth Member

    Thank you all for your replies.

    Well it's not my wisdom... Marcus Aurelius was the first one to say: "Vex not thy spirit at the course of things; they heed not thy vexation."
    I don't believe that people get what they deserve. I think they just get what randomly occurs before them or they get what they reach for. I used to consider myself undeserving but it was a waste of energy... people who loved me didn't care if I deserved their love and people who hurt me didn't care if I deserved the pain they caused me. I usually expect neutral things - neither good nor bad... but I always consider the worst possible outcome. I have low self esteem but I believe I have reasons for that... the fact that I've spend most of the last 10 years depressed, on medication and in treatment makes me a less attractive partner in life, a worse employee and a demanding friend. When I'm ill people cannot count on me and I hate being unreliable. My sense of impending catastrophe stems from the fact that I want to be a trustworthy and independent person who can take care of herself... and I cannot be that person when I get depressed... and I won't accept being anything less.
  7. amk666

    amk666 Active Member

    Unfortunately typical profiles for suicides include perfectionism, high standards (often unattainable) & not always the most flexible of thinking. Lucky or not for me I only adhere to the last of those;-)

    I am sorry you feel unwantable, Lady. I don't know you, but I wish I did. I bet I wouldn't find you demanding, unreliable or selfish:)

  8. LadyEmaleth

    LadyEmaleth Member

    I'm not a perfectionist - things ought to be functional not perfect... but as for the other two... well I have to plead guilty ;)

    It's not that bad... I just think that people are justified when they reject me.
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