Today i had an epiphany (may have triggers)

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Borrowed time*, Sep 4, 2010.

  1. Borrowed time*

    Borrowed time* Well-Known Member

    As the title says i had an epiphany today. I have been trying to figure out why i think of suicide so much, why i plan my death all the time. Im constantly worried about death and the need to control mine. Does that make sense? It did to me earlier.

    Im constantly worrying about people dying whether it's family members, my pets, colleagues, strangers, i even think about how the fly i cleaned out of my window sill died. Iv never had a major death in my family so iv never experienced it, i dont know how ill react. A few years ago my favourite hamster died, i was devastated. I broke down crying in Iceland and my mum had to abandon her shopping to take me home. Why? It was only a hamster. 3 years ago one of our dogs had to be put down, i never got to say good bye, when i saw her body she wasnt there any more, i had to run out of the room. She was just cold and empty. I couldnt stop crying for days. Even now just thinking of her brings me to tears. Can you imagine what ill be like if one of my parents die before me?

    I started talking to one of my old school friends again, she told me i can tell her anything. But i cant, how can i tell her im worried about her dying. She has got a lot seriously wrong with her. How can i tell her she is adding to my problem?I cant.

    So i was thinking earlier there is a 70% chance i will die by suicide, 10% by an accident outside of my control, 10% old age and 10% by an incurable degenerative disease. I discounted old age as i know there is no way i will get to that point so that left me with 80% suicide, 10% accident and 10% an incurable disease. I know some people will find this morbid but we all die some time. All im doing is controlling when and where. Im not afraid of death and what may or may not come next but i am afraid of how i die.

    This probably sounds weak to the majority of people on this forum who are fighting there own demons, trying to be strong, wanting to live. I'm not emotionally strong, im weak and i know i cant deal. I may not show it as i dont show emotion very well but i can feel it inside.
    I'd just like to add im not depressed for any one who may think i am. Sure im unhappy in my life but who is 100% happy? My mood swings are annoying and hopefully the doctor will sort those out for me, maybe its just too much caffeine and sugar in my system:tongue:

    Im sorry if this has insulted or upset any one it is just what i came up with today and had to put it into words. Im not expecting any answers, all my questions were rhetorical. If this is in the wrong area please feel free to move.
    Sorry for the ramble