today i lost all faith in god

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by get me out, May 20, 2013.

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  1. get me out

    get me out Active Member

    Hi I look and to an extent act just like a normal 24 year old but have mental illness which has crippled my life. Been hospitalized several times in last few years and now they put me on disability. But I keep trying to live a normal life but I can't make friends or get a gf and no one likes me and everything I try to do ends up in disaster. I been trying to take one class at the community college each year but have breakdown and find myself screaming on the floor.

    Also I have some other issues that i dont feel like sharing now and im pretty convinced i died sometime in the last few years and don't remember and i am actually in hell no. no one understands how much i suffer they just give me a cliché advise and go on their merry way, though I don't blame them.

    Today its all starting to hit me and i started a journey of accepting my disabilty and just trying to get through this life somehow. but it sucks cuz now i know none of my dreams are gonna come true. the worst part is te loneliness and how no one understands, even here i dont reallly expect to be understood

    i been depressed for a long time but never in my life i could picture being as depressed as i am today. i believed heavily in god and did what christians at church told me to for years but now it seems pretty obvious he doesn't exist, at least not for me.

    im too scared to kill myself tonight but hoping as i slow down and accept my fate my body will decay. i wont leave the house anymore i will just sleep all day and nigt, eat whatever and maybe god will have some mercy and let me die, or maybe ill get the courage to shoot myself.

    but either way i think we are all heroes. people who have their lives going great cant come close to imagining the pain we feel, at least for me.

  2. Doodle

    Doodle Well-Known Member

    Hey there. I'm so sorry to hear you've had such a rough time, I can't imagine what that's been like. But there's a lot of us here that have similar situations and we're all here to listen to each other. I'm glad to hear you're still pulling through and that you haven't killed yourself yet.

    If you're serious about "deconverting" to atheism, so to speak, I myself have been an atheist for years and I'm here if you'd like to discuss anything related to that topic. I understand that you may be feeling this way out of hopelessness and that you'd maybe prefer your life as being religious, but if you've realized that's not what you want then the first step is to talk to someone who has gone through the process. Most atheists were once religious, such as myself.

    Anyways, welcome to SF. There people here are great and I'm here if you'd like to talk.
  3. blackbirdfly

    blackbirdfly Well-Known Member

    "but either way i think we are all heroes. people who have their lives going great cant come close to imagining the pain we feel, at least for me."

    I love this line. Thank you for that. I really hope you feel better, I tend to think I am in hell as well. And the whole eat, sleep, repeat cycle is my life too. It really sucks. I hope you can find a way out of this pattern.
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