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Today I tried it...

Discussion in 'After Effects' started by Jonathan, Nov 23, 2011.

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  1. Jonathan

    Jonathan Well-Known Member

    Around 2 weeks ago I bought <edit moderator total eclipse method> tablets of Ritalin for my ADHD condition.

    Today I took xxxx tablets which equates to around xxxxof Ritalin. I don't know what I expected, however just taking one of these tablets gets my heart beating like NOTHING.

    Then I decided to have some very strong coffee and I'm still awake after playing football for one hour, studying for 5 hours, running for 1 hour and walking around 2 in the morning just thinking.

    I thought it would kill me, in fact I'm still feeling the affects and I pretty much typed this up within 2 minutes.

    I feel fast, energetic, I could run 10 miles right NOW and I would still be awake and alive.

    Right now it is 4 am, I haven't been able to get to sleep and I'm walking back and forth. I had a nice cold shower to wake me up further and I just don't want to sleep. I had a bad experience yesterday or earlier in the day... yesterday. It kind of tipped me to the driving point to where I am now.

    I just want it to end. I've officially given up and I just don't want life anymore. I just fucking want it to end. I don't want it, i don't want it. I GIVE UP.

    I wish I was never born. I feel like grabbing all the money I saved and I just want to drink myself to death. I wish I could have someone close enough I could tell all this to, but I'm ashamed of myself. I failed at life and I want no more of it.

    I just don't see a future...

    While I type this, I look over to my table and see the rest of my tablets... I have so many. I just want to end it now.

    I just don't know what to do with myself right now.

    Please don't recommend to go see a doctor. That would push me too far if they thought I was mentally ill. Although I think I am... that's probably the first time I have admitted it to myself.

    When I first joined this forum when I was around 15... I knew why I joined. My joining of this forum was for a purpose, my life was never going to ever get better. From the beginning, my life has just got worse. I worry about EVERY SINGLE FUCKING THING. In the end I can't think anymore. It's affecting my studies even though I study FUCKING hard.

    I'm also afraid to stand up for myself, although I'm a strong person physically (Though that is more to do with my ADHD) and I work out often... I CAN NEVER STAND UP FOR MYSELF. NEVER. I'm too fucking polite to others. Why the fuck should I be anymore when they just treat me like SHIT. I'm not a fucking fool, I wasn't born to make you fucking laugh at me failing.

    My god..... where the fuck did it all go wrong in my life. I want another chance at life... I want things to be different... I want to save my family and save what happened and what we had. I HAD A FUTURE and I lost it.

    I don't know what to say anymore...

    I'm sorry... I'm just sorry. If nothing changes I'm writing a suicide note this Sunday and I'm seriously going to kill myself. I pray (although I am atheist) that SOMETHING happens, something CHANGES, I just want some hope for my future. I JUST WANT TO be a different person right now. I'm stressed, annoyed and want it to end. I've just had enough of it all and for too LONG.. .TOO FUCKING LONG.

    I can't handle it. I could type forever right now, I just feel I can't stop. But I know I have to end it here.
    Last edited by a moderator: Nov 23, 2011
  2. Jonathan

    Jonathan Well-Known Member

    just fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck...... FUCK. It is now 21 minutes past 4 in morning. I don't know how I am going to handle class today (8 am)...

    If anything happens it will be another tipping point to which end I may cut my Sunday deadline to an earlier date. Perhaps tomorrow is the right time... i will find out. although i care about my family, i have to be selfish now. for far too long I have cared too much about others. not anymore.

    I don't need to care about anyone. I'll leave my savings with my mum, dad and I'll give some to my sister as well. she could use some help.

    i really can't go on anymore. i know it may seem like i am crazy and please don't judge me on this post. if you have read about my life and what I have VERY VAGUELY stated, then you would understand why I am like this. YOU WOULD FUCKING UNDERSTAND. So don't judge me like everyone else does, ok? I have enough people that do that to me.
  3. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    yOUR Family does not want your savings hun They want you here okay happy and well. The would want you to go into hospital and get some support you need to stabilize Talk to councillor at the school and get supports in place there as well they have supports hun use them
  4. 1Lefty

    1Lefty Well-Known Member

    You've come to a good place, give yourself some time to get used to it. You can find a lot of non-judgemental support here, also encouragement.
    Just keep hanging in there, there's always hope.
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