Around 2 weeks ago I bought <edit moderator total eclipse method> tablets of Ritalin for my ADHD condition. Today I took xxxx tablets which equates to around xxxxof Ritalin. I don't know what I expected, however just taking one of these tablets gets my heart beating like NOTHING. Then I decided to have some very strong coffee and I'm still awake after playing football for one hour, studying for 5 hours, running for 1 hour and walking around 2 in the morning just thinking. I thought it would kill me, in fact I'm still feeling the affects and I pretty much typed this up within 2 minutes. I feel fast, energetic, I could run 10 miles right NOW and I would still be awake and alive. Right now it is 4 am, I haven't been able to get to sleep and I'm walking back and forth. I had a nice cold shower to wake me up further and I just don't want to sleep. I had a bad experience yesterday or earlier in the day... yesterday. It kind of tipped me to the driving point to where I am now. I just want it to end. I've officially given up and I just don't want life anymore. I just fucking want it to end. I don't want it, i don't want it. I GIVE UP. I wish I was never born. I feel like grabbing all the money I saved and I just want to drink myself to death. I wish I could have someone close enough I could tell all this to, but I'm ashamed of myself. I failed at life and I want no more of it. I just don't see a future... While I type this, I look over to my table and see the rest of my tablets... I have so many. I just want to end it now. I just don't know what to do with myself right now. Please don't recommend to go see a doctor. That would push me too far if they thought I was mentally ill. Although I think I am... that's probably the first time I have admitted it to myself. When I first joined this forum when I was around 15... I knew why I joined. My joining of this forum was for a purpose, my life was never going to ever get better. From the beginning, my life has just got worse. I worry about EVERY SINGLE FUCKING THING. In the end I can't think anymore. It's affecting my studies even though I study FUCKING hard. I'm also afraid to stand up for myself, although I'm a strong person physically (Though that is more to do with my ADHD) and I work out often... I CAN NEVER STAND UP FOR MYSELF. NEVER. I'm too fucking polite to others. Why the fuck should I be anymore when they just treat me like SHIT. I'm not a fucking fool, I wasn't born to make you fucking laugh at me failing. My god..... where the fuck did it all go wrong in my life. I want another chance at life... I want things to be different... I want to save my family and save what happened and what we had. I HAD A FUTURE and I lost it. I don't know what to say anymore... I'm sorry... I'm just sorry. If nothing changes I'm writing a suicide note this Sunday and I'm seriously going to kill myself. I pray (although I am atheist) that SOMETHING happens, something CHANGES, I just want some hope for my future. I JUST WANT TO be a different person right now. I'm stressed, annoyed and want it to end. I've just had enough of it all and for too LONG.. .TOO FUCKING LONG. I can't handle it. I could type forever right now, I just feel I can't stop. But I know I have to end it here.