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Today I want to die....

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Fel, Feb 1, 2013.

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  1. Fel

    Fel Member

    Just feel so rubbish today. I'm so lonely really wish someone cared if I walk the street alone at night or feel sad. But they don't .... I have rubbish friends who use me, I'm isolated and I wanna quit smoking weed but I don't see how I can when I spend the majority of my life on my own!

    I'm sitting here staring at my beautiful daughter, who I feel sorry for because her presence should be my reason to smile everyday. But I don't. I just wanna die.

    Been used and rejected recently by men as usual, they all want to use me and no gives a damn who I am inside.. I hate shallow wankers yet I seem to be drawn to them, prob coz I'm so messed up and the counselling only helps so much...

    I recently met a guy who I really connected with, chemistry, banter, attraction the lot and he admitted to feeling exactly the same and followed that by telling me he was leaving the country in two months and its prob best not to get involved - not meant to be? Fucking another asshole, unfortunately this time, I really fucking care about him, so here I am left to ponder what it is I didn't have.

    I used to have so much hope that things would happen for me one day! But after 4 years I kinda feel like giving up... :(
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hi Fel sorry you are feeling so isolated and alone Here is a good place to talk to let go of those feelings ok. WEED you know is a depressant right and also it is a unmotivator If you can get some help to get off it ok maybe you will be able to connect with better people yourself if you stay away from it. Your daughter is a good reason to clean up hun you do not want her to get hooked on that stuff later on I am glad you got counseling and you have someone to talk to as it does help
  3. Theodora

    Theodora Well-Known Member

    Here is a good place. I needed love so much I either jumped into relationships / friendships far too quickly that I overwhelmed people or without giving myself time to judge if a person was right or good for me. Every failure added to my desperation and the feeling I was a complete and utter failure. Now I'm probably over cautious if not plain suspicious as a result. Take things slowly with friendships and relationships. Get yourself as much support as you can, counselling, mum & toddler groups, Surestart. Whatever. Try to cut the weed down a bit.
  4. Fel

    Fel Member

    Thanks for your replies. I get the whole take things slowly, don't rush into things etc. But I think because I was hurt so much by my daughters dad, I just avoid even getting to know people because I can't handle getting close.

    I'm a pretty clued up person and counselling has helped me to see why I do what I do, and what I do.

    Truth is though, I can't let go... Will I ever let go? Of my past loses?

    I'm bitter and it doesn't suit who I am.. But these feelings don't leave you easily.

    Feel like the damage has been done, I hate who I am, wish I didn't but I do... I'm too kind for my own good! And all I seem to meet is people who want to drain my emotional generosity.

    The joke is the guy I fell for recently is my drugs counsellor, and he has been pretty unprofessional and told me he feels the same and I completely stopped counselling because it clearly wouldn't have helped and now he's decided he's going abroad after he's charmed and got me to fall for him. Asshole but can you see my luck?

    Try to help myself and get that?
  5. Lost in translation

    Lost in translation Active Member

    That's terrible, feel for ya. I often feel the same way, like I'm destined to live on this earth alone or with someone who doesn't truly care about me. Hope you get better and have found a new counsellor
  6. Fel

    Fel Member

    Hey.sorry for the late reply I haven't been on here. Nice of you to reply
  7. Theodora

    Theodora Well-Known Member

    Hope things are a little better. Perhaps stick to female counsellors in future.Seriously he was way out of line.
  8. meaningless-vessel

    meaningless-vessel Well-Known Member

    Anyone who plays you for a fool like he did would not be worth spending time pining after. Weed doesn't help, as with many drugs, it is a depressant. If anything, your daughter should ideally be more important than any drug.

    It's just my opinion, and it doesn't mean much. But as a guy it sickens me that others can be so unprofessional and heartless :unsure:

    Female counsellors would be the way forward, but as for relationships, it might be better to organise yourself and your daughters lives as priorities. Hers before yours is recommended, but you are only 2nd as a parent. You deserve to be given a boost rather than setback after setback, and anyone worth their salt will be understanding and patient.
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