Today I was the closest to the edge as I've ever been.

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Pepe Silvia, Jul 19, 2016.

  1. Pepe Silvia

    Pepe Silvia Member

    Normally I'd post an entry on the diary section about my day but something is making me want to post it here instead, so here goes.

    Today started out alright, as good as I can get at this point, and I felt my medication that I got two weeks ago kicking in when I felt a little bit happy while watching Monday Night Raw and just not feeling totally useless. It wore off by the end of the show and I was back to being just alright but not as down as I can be so I went to my distractions (Walking the dog, Playing the playstation/browsing the internet, reading etc) and things were going good until I got a message that I guess you could say "triggered" me a little bit, it was from my Dad.

    A little backstory about my Dad: I only met him about 7/8 years ago and for the first 10/11 years of my life I thought my Dad was someone else and that whole scenario screwed me up a little bit considering it was just my Mum who told me about this out of nowhere without the guy who I thought was my Dad being there because he just didn't care enough to come and explain the situation which doesn't bother me but I'm in the kind of mood where I need to give as much detail as possible. So basically after I found out that guy wasn't my Dad my real Dad contacted my Mum and asked her if it would be okay to meet me and it was up to me if I wanted to or not and being young I wasn't going to say no so we met and things were fine. Over the years we've had various arguments about the way I am because for a Paramedic he doesn't understand mental health at all, he is very close minded and he would always berate me and make me feel bad whenever I felt like I was incapable of doing something. I'm not good at having conversations so all he would do is make jokes at my expense and being the bigot that he is often made homosexual jokes (which don't bother me now as I understand there's nothing wrong with being homosexual but back then it hurt me). He is also very aggressive and even though I could most likely hold my own I feel threatened and constantly uncomfortable around him.

    Back to the present. So a few weeks ago I broke down and told my family all about my depression and my feelings and my Dad quite evidently didn't understand where I was coming from and I knew that would be the case so because all my pent up frustration was pouring out I told him I was done with him (we'd had another argument earlier that day prompting me to walk home when I was out with him) and that I didn't want to see him anymore. Now my Mum overheard me talking to him because we were standing right at my front door and she pops in and because she is way too nice for her own good she tried to smooth over the situation not knowing what I'd been through as I'm not one for sharing feelings and we ended up agreeing that he would give me two weeks to give me space and let me think about my situation with life in general and also with my relationship with him. 2 hours after he eventually left he messages me with some spiel about how he cares about me and stuff and only wants the best of me, which I wish I could believe but the guy has never shown that to be true. Then the day before it was 2 weeks since we'd last messaged he texted me saying it had been two weeks and because I'm stubborn in nature I ignored him because I had to be technical about it in my mind and it HAD to be two weeks exactly. He messaged me again the next day with the same text as the day before but at that point I just wasn't ready to speak yet so again I never replied. Today I get the messaged that "triggered" me. He said as if nothing had ever happened "Hey (Initials of my name) Milkshake and a chat? 1945?" to which again I just am not ready so I ignore it. It got to "1945" and I had just finished my dinner I made, finished my game of Overwatch and proceeded to feed my auntie's dog and subsequently take him for a walk.

    As I'm on my way back from my walk with Buster (My aunt's dog) a thought entered my mind to stay out longer as it had been so warm today that he hadn't been out for a long walk, so I walk by my gran's house and I'm down the hill from it and all I hear is my name being called and I instantly knew it was my Dad. He called me over but I shouted up to him that I wasn't ready to have a conversation with him yet so he shouted back something like "What the F*ck? I'll wait until you've grown up then!" In a really aggressive tone and in the heat of the moment I shouted back "Okay A**hole!" (I'm usually very respectful to everyone, especially family but this was frustration boiling over) and I thought that was the end of it. So I walk on as he goes back to his car and at this point Buster sensed that something was wrong with me as he started to get all worried and walked directly in front of me as if to protect me (God bless that dog!). 5 minutes goes by of us walking so close together and we're about 10 minutes away from the house at the speed we were walking and all I see is a figure in the distance bumbling along in a half sprint as if chasing me and Buster noticed and started barking but I was so intent on getting away from him that I tried to get Buster to hurry up so we could get away from him. He eventually caught up with me and Buster had calmed down but I kept on walking and my Dad was walking very unpredictably behind me and off to the side essentially harassing me and bombarding me with questions as to why I was ignoring him and why I won't talk to him and I kept on telling him over and over my reasons and it got the point where I was walking back and forth because Buster wanted away from the guy. He repeatedly demanded a "real" answer so I basically told him that the whole harassing thing is part of the problem, he is too forward, he tries to make me be someone I'm not, scolds me for my personality and in all honesty I realised a long time ago that I didn't like him so I told him that and he shrugged it off, telling me that I'm just overreacting and that I'm just trying to hurt him and he wouldn't back away. He kept following me and I was starting to panic, feeling extremely unsafe so I kept telling him to leave me alone and stop harassing me and I was so annoyed and I'll even admit I was scared because of how unpredictable he was being and how aggressive he was that I started shouting to leave me alone and screamed swear words and like because I didn't want to hit him because he is bigger and heavier than me and I know for a fact that I wouldn't be able to handle any backlash from that kind of decision so I kept trying to get away. Kept walking one way, then another and then about the 50th time I told him to p*ss off he said that he would punch Buster if he got anywhere near him (I hadn't even mentioned Buster and Buster is scared of the everything and wouldn't hurt anyone, but to be fair he may have if it got to the point where I was in danger) and since I'm defensive of essentially my best friend I told him that if he did that then I would hit him and my Dad proceeds to say "Square go then, tie him up and let's fight" (Big man! Wanting to fight his own son) but I just walked away again. I tried walking away so many times that I started shouting at him to go away in such a way that it would be evident to anyone around that I felt in danger and since these women were right across the road that's why I did that. I think he got embarrassed because he eventually just went for me, straight up grabbed me went to punch me in the face but because he can't fight I managed to kick him to defend myself and rip his shirt and that's when the women intervened, telling me to get away and for my dad to walk away from the situation. He did, but not before shouting at these old women telling them to get to F and telling them it was family business, I was so angry that I shouted back "You sure as hell aren't part of my family". That was it.

    After I'd walked away I started to have a panic attack and kept checking behind me in case he came back and tried to assault me again, he never did though and I sat in the middle of the street trying to calm myself down. I went back in the direction of my Gran's house but I saw my Dad speaking to my Mum who had just dropped my Gran off and because I felt so unsafe I went the other way and went up to a hill on the main road near my Gran's house which despite being easy to see someone up there you can't hear or see them clear as day or anything like that so I finally felt safe and managed to fully calm down. My mum then phoned me asking me about the situation and I told her what happened from my point of view because I knew my dad would have spouted a bunch of lies, to his credit he is good with talking and making it seem like what he is saying is pure fact when it is usually unadulterated BS, but anyway she seemed to believe me eventually as she most likely heard the emotion in my voice and told me to go back to my Gran's and do something to calm down. As I was on that hill though, my dark thoughts crept up on me and if it wasn't for Buster sitting there licking away my tears and trying to make sure I was okay I might not have made it through tonight, that whole experience, the panic and fear I felt added to my already unstable thoughts almost pushed me over the edge.
  2. Pepe Silvia

    Pepe Silvia Member

    Here I am though, I survived it and didn't end it all like I really wanted to at that moment. Am I glad I never went through with it? Maybe, only time will tell, but if my Dad keeps harassing me then the end might be in sight for me. I've blocked him now. Told my Mum that if he tries to get into contact either ignore him or tell him where to go. To think my life was saved by a dog tonight sounds stupid but it's the little things that keep you going in life and that rang true tonight.

    Sorry for this jumbled mess and the only reason this is public is because I really need someone to see this so that I can get it out without doing something bad to myself because I'm feeling unstable right now even though I've calmed down.

    Thank You, Buster.
  3. SinisterKid

    SinisterKid Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Well I have "seen" it and read every single word of it and man, its some account of what can happen in such a short space of time. You were the better man though and did your best to walk away. I know and somewhat agree with you, if I say 2 weeks, I mean 2 weeks, not 13 days, so I get you with that.

    If he continues to hassle you, I am sure there will be some form of injunction you can take out to make him stay away. If thats what it takes. I haven't spoken to my father for a very long time because he is a prick and we dont like each other very much. You are probably better without him in your life, I know I am.

    You are still here, which is great news and the important thing. You faced it, even though it was one of the toughest times of your life and you came through. Amazing achievement and you should be very proud of yourself.
    Pepe Silvia likes this.
  4. Pepe Silvia

    Pepe Silvia Member

    Thanks for reading, it means a lot. I'm glad you can see where I'm coming from.

    I'd been kind of thinking of no longer seeing my Dad for a while but always hesitated as I felt that it would be selfish as there are people out there who have never met their Dad but I feel it's for the best and now seeing that you are better off without your father makes me think it might be the right decision. He hasn't came to my house since the incident and I've virtually blocked him from every medium I can think of at this point so hopefully this is the end of it all and I can move on.

    Thanks again, I really appreciate you taking the time to give some insight, it helped a lot :)

    P.S Sorry for taking so long to come back on here, I have been taking some time out to think about things.
    SinisterKid likes this.