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  1. BeautifullyChaotic

    BeautifullyChaotic Well-Known Member

    Post something you did, said or saw today that made you feel like everything will be okay, made you feel like you can make it. Writing the good moments out for others to see can give them hope, and seeing what others write can help you too.

    Today I looked in the mirror and didn't get sick or angry, I didn't hate what I saw.
  2. peacelovingguy

    peacelovingguy Well-Known Member

    I woke up this morning
    And never wished I was dead.

    Put me off my usual stride - which is wake up - wish I was dead then kind of gradually feel better until at some point - I'm even kicking ass in a good sense - doing something creative - feeling good about something!

    So - I goes out - stretch my legs plus I got no job so wander the streets aimlessly - well - actually, not aimlessly I always know were I am going - unless its just for 'a walk' which - years ago may have meant leaving town for a few days.

    Not 'vanished' for a while - but got too much on right now to do that.

    So on my walk - I meets this women - I gave her my hearty salutations - misinterpreted as usual. She hits on me every-time - maybe she is actually insane - lol - actually - just a girl who is pretty forward.

    But I'm fast forward - always looking beyond what might happen - and being sober - I can refuse any invitation. So I felt good about that - I think there is only me and a few gay guys who have not had the honour of her hospitality. But I don't judge anyone like that - used to be that way myself.

    So now I can say something like "Look - its not that your not attractive - but if I loved you we'd be holding hands walking under the starlit night - I'd be writing songs and poems about you - and change the sheets on my bed, suck in my gut (I skip that part) and read you Yeats, play guitar for hours - stroke that demonic toy dog."

    So - I walked on after bidding her a good day and reassuring her that I'm sure her new wallpaper in the bedroom looks, er, fantastic - but don't really need to see it. I mean - women look at each others wallpaper - guys - well, actually we do brag about it - we put up a shelf and show everyone who enters - even the gas man - I'll put my spirit level on it and tell him "It's as straight as ANY shelf ever put up - good as the Ancient Egyptians as the accuracy is almost perfect. You could see how perfect it was from outer space."

    Well - I'm good at shelving. You could place a marble anywhere - it would be still - NEVER roll - so I thought about my D.I,Y skills - and the things I had built - stuff that will be here in 100 years.

    But that depressed me. I mean I fitted parts on buildings that will last 100 years? Is that it? lol. So in 100 years some guy looks at a bolt and thinks 'I wonder who put that bolt in" - he won't research it though - and history does not record the guys building stuff. Not really.

    No - there is much more - ideas mainly - deeds I done - the part I play in the continuity of the never ending fight between ignorance and knowledge. Between right and wrong.

    I used to have a priest who is now in Ireland. Great guy. His best sermons always ended up with asking everyone how long they would be remembered for - he would say "Well - in the end - none of us will be remembered as there will be nobody here to remember you." So - living to be remembered by people - well its got its limits! I never felt there was any worth in it - I know family will remember us and friends - but most accept that - whilst we are special - our time is short - our impact on the lives of others limited. History may remember you - but you still only get a short mention - and does Napoleon feel any greater because we all know him?

    Mostly bad people are remembered.

    The good- remembered for 100 years tops - then its just a footnote in family history if someone does the family tree.

    Family matters - but I have more of a connection to the next person adding something here and the one above than I do with my great great great great granddad who I never met!

    I got a few things happening in my life right now which have to make me feel depressed - naturally so. A few members here know what this is - family matters - I'm ok myself - but if loved ones are not ok - well, I'm not going to be happy - that's the inevitable price of love. We accept that - but I think we are complacent in that we think we have the time to fall out and make up with loved ones. Usually - we have - but for me - I try to say things that would be nice to say if it was the last thing either of us ever said to each other.

    ONE day - that will happen. It is inevitable.

    So next time your tempted to get mad at someone - think this - one day they will not be here no more. Neither will you. Ot likely won't be for a long long time - but no guarantee - it may come to pass that it will be very very soon also

    So - say something nice!

    Well - that's about it really- just one train of thoughts and events I had today which left me with a positive in the end.

    Be careful as depression is self destructive - but also destructive for others. Tempting though it is to leave others with bad feelings - and to snap or throw some kind of negative - be warned - your playing a risky game of assumptions - and assumptions generally get us into trouble.

    So I assume little these days. I don't assume everyone will wake up tomorrow - I'm at the age were funerals are like my biggest social events - most common. My only chance to chill out! To wear a suit and eat something.

    I'm at the age were I'm eyeing up the widows and thinking if it would awfully forward to bring up the topic of dating again. Not at the funeral! I mean in the after-party. Got to have some decorum for sure.

    Like picking up the urn - winking at the widow and saying "Well - guess he aint gonna be the conversational type much more"

    OK - I'm going a bit too far now - I can see this post sliding way down past the signpost that says - not just immoral but illegal.

    But - its all in jest.

    Hope you got a positive out of that.

    I'm off out again now - hopefully something will happen.

    Almost everything good on my life is never planned - it just happens. But you got to put your foot out the front door to make it so.

    Regards and good luck out there.
  3. BeautifullyChaotic

    BeautifullyChaotic Well-Known Member

    One day, I will go into a book store, Peacelovingguy, and I will pick up a book that sucks me in and makes me keep reading... then I will wonder if this twisting and winding story is in fact your autobiography; then I will buy it and read it many times, because I will be reading about one of the most interesting minds in the word ;)

    The way you write makes me feel the need to keep reading, and whenever I see your name on a post I click on it before all others... because I know I will never figure you out, and that brings me peace.
  4. Growing Pains

    Growing Pains Well-Known Member

    Posted this in my journal, but what the heck? I'll drop it here, too, because it's fitting.

    I saw the smallest butterfly today. Barely bigger than the tip of my thumb. I've seen a lot of butterflies, but never one so small. I watched as it fluttered around, not a care in the world, and put my sisters tiny Pomeranian on the ground. I showed it to him and he seemed genuinely interested. Never chasing it, just staring and watching just as I was. I said, "He's smaller than most butterflies, just like you're smaller than most dogs. Which makes him extra special, just like you," and for a brief moment, I felt something I rarely feel. Peace. It's amazing how sometimes the simplest things are all it takes to make you feel at peace.
  5. Speedy

    Speedy Staff Alumni

    Very fitting. I love it. :D
  6. BeautifullyChaotic

    BeautifullyChaotic Well-Known Member

    This is a beautiful passage, poetic and simple at the same time. I'm so glad you found a bit of peace today. You are a great talent, and I believe I may see a bit of a romantic in your words. My day is brighter for having read this, thank you :)
  7. Growing Pains

    Growing Pains Well-Known Member

    Thank you. :) I'm glad I did, too. You may see a bit of one, I can't say. I always say that we sometimes miss things in ourselves that others see and believe it to be true. I'm glad I made your day brighter. Knowing that makes mine a bit brighter, also.
  8. BeautifullyChaotic

    BeautifullyChaotic Well-Known Member

    Today I went to the grocery store and didn't have a panic attack. I started to get that scared feeling, but I just started singing silly songs with Cara and it helped me to relax.
  9. Speedy

    Speedy Staff Alumni

    Yay for singing! :whistling:
  10. BeautifullyChaotic

    BeautifullyChaotic Well-Known Member

    Today I thought I just may go through with it, then had a nice chat with a new friend, and took a long walk with my baby girl. Oh what fun we had! Have to do that more often :)
  11. Jackie's Strength

    Jackie's Strength Staff Alumni

    I got an encouraging e-mail from my therapist.
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