Once more I have no hope no reason I cant explain it. It has always been there sometimes its in my face sometimes silent in the back of my mind but its always there. I took a walk to the ocean this morning it was crisp the wind sliced trough me, at times it was as if it intensified what I felt inside cold, lost, distant. I don’t really have the words to express what it felt like or what I feel like now. I just sat there on the rocks watching the waves break row upon row, I watched the whales and the birds but there was no connection it felt as if I stood in a bubble isolated from it all it seemed so far so unreal. Its ironic that so many times I have talked and pleaded with a friend to not give up how sad it made me, how frustration and fear of losing them left me hopeless with tears how I knew the feeling ,I knew that words didn’t mean much how tired they felt, how death seemed the only way. How now I stand in that position of inflicting the same pain thinking maybe I was fighting so hard for them trying to save myself….. I spoke to God to .. in spite of my doubt I cant dismiss that there has to be a God and if there is a God there has to be a devil and the war for our souls the life death hell eternity story it could be real. They keep saying when you hit rock bottom when you reach the end of your rope God will be there that you need to let go and let God help you that His love and grace is beyond comprehension that meaning and hope lies with Him….. I asked Him if He would forgive me for such a betrayal and unthankful selfishness I told Him that I knew my thoughts where wrong and that it would be my choice that I would be lost ,I asked if He would give those left behind the strength to go on and to forget, That I understood the consequences of such a choice but that it would be just reward. I am lost empty as much as I want to find hope in Him I cant He knows my heart He knows there is nothing there….. I cant find meaning purpose or comfort in the day to day workings of life or in the war we find ourselves everything seems trivial pointless. All I see is myself a failure ,selfish and wasteful never changing never getting away from the emptiness in my heart the darkness in my mind no matter what I do this is me ………..