Today is not going to be easy for me.

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It's a pretty long story, hope someone listens. Please, none of that open-ended 'things will be better' response, i'm not thinking of commiting suicide, i'm too much of a coward to follow through with anything.

Today was supposed to be a very special day for me.

Almost two years ago, i met a girl online. I started speaking to her quite a bit, and i found her to be quite simply, the most amazing person i'd ever met. We talked alot, over the phone, almost every waking hour i wasn't working. She was a great friend, and the only person i'd ever met (still to this date) who understood how i felt. I felt like i could talk to her about anything, and i did. It was a few months later, when we decided that since we had no time for a relationship without damaging out friendship, that we would give the whole long-distance thing a shot. Only problem was, it was almost a world away (I'm in Australia, she was in the USA).

We continued our relationship, for the next few months, it was complete bliss. She was the first and only girlfriend i've ever had, so i don't know if all relationships feel the same, i get the feeling they don't. I was in love, i wanted nothing more than to be with this girl, so i did exactly that. I took two months off work, and a plane to the USA to meet her. It was better than i ever could have imagined. She was so close to perfect. Two months later, i returned home. The bad news was that i would not see her for over a year, short of a miracle. Reason being i was to start a new job, and she was not of age to travel here without consent.

Today was her 18th birthday.

Today was the day i was going to say 'Happy birthday sweetheart!' and let her know that a plane ticket was coming to her in the mail. She ruined it all. She cheated on me 3 times. One of them i knew about, it was a whole year before the breakup, but i wanted to make it work, so i didn't stay gone from her for more than a few weeks. I'm a damn fool.

She ended up cheating on me again just to get rid of me. She wanted me to find out, so i'd get mad at her and dump her. I tell you what, that just really hurts. She couldn't face up to the fact that she didn't feel the same way anymore, so she made me tell her, and broke my heart in the process.

Do i still love her? I don't know. I spent nearly two years of my life dedicated to the existance of this one human being. I think about her every day, sometimes obsess. Alot of the time they are very angry, hateful thoughts. Even if i do still love her, i really hate her for what she did to me. That doesn't change the fact that what we had was very, very real. Today was meant to be the day she packed her bags to come see me again, the day i practise getting down on one knee at the terminal in Sydney airport and asking her to make me the happiest man on Earth. Instead, i've got nothing but bitter memories of another chapter in my unfulfilling life. I don't talk to her anymore. I miss the friend she was, but even if she begged me to take her back (and maybe she will someday), i'd never do that again.

I've promised myself (and told a few friends) that i'd always abide by a one strike rule when it comes to cheating from now on. The fact is it just gets easier and easier every single time you do it.

My biggest problem now is that this relationship has made me nothing but bitter. Despite being hideously unattractive, i've got no chance of getting another girlfriend, for two reasons.

1) I'm a coward. I've ruined a few chances of getting a girl since the breakup (3 months ago). I just don't have the courage to ask a girl out on a date, or make the first move. I've got nothing to lose, but i just can't do it. It's pretty pathetic, actually. I just choke on my words, and make a complete fool of myself. It doesn't matter how many times i tell myself i've only got something to gain, i just feel like getting rejected by a random girl, acquaintance, or friend would be emotionally crippling for me. I need to learn for myself that that's (probably) not the case, but there's no way in hell that's going to happen if i don't have the guts to try. Perhaps i fixate on someone far too long before i bite the bullet and try, making it alot harder.

2) My view of girls. Ever since the breakup, and a little before that (when i suspected foul play) i've thought of all women (with a select few, one of them being a ruined chance i mentioned above) as nothing but common whores. I know that's terrible, and blunt, i know, i just can't help but think it. I'm taking out what one girl did to me on every other girl i've ever laid eyes on. Truth is, a good 50% or more probably would cheat on me, i'm just one of those people who ask for it, you know?

Quite simply, I need to move on, but i've got no damn idea how. I keep thinking about how much i hate the girl, and about what she's done to me. Our relationship (and friendship) is completely over, but i can't stop being bitter about it. It's screwing up my life. I can't sleep regularly, i've got a huge temper and short patience, and i just feel angry and bitter all the time. I was always depressed before our relationship began, and i'm feeling the same now.

I need to learn how to move on from this girl. I hate her, it should be easy.

If anyone wants to talk to me in detail more, shoot me a PM. I don't want to get personal on here.

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