Today is the day.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by D3ath, Feb 12, 2008.

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  1. D3ath

    D3ath Well-Known Member

    I really dont know what to say..

    I been inactive for a few days now, didnt really talk to much people so dont even know if they would remember me on here. Anyway just wanted to say this is going to be my last day.. Im going to finally end it all for good.

    My first suacide attempt was around march last year after my girlfriend told me she wanted to break up with me. I just couldnt face life without her with me, she was everything to me. my best friend, sould mate, and the one person i ever truely loved. I tried overdosing :(.. She was distrought she said she wanted to give things another go. I wasted that chance i didnt really change now i feel so guilty and regret everything, because i know where i am now is my own fault. I was given the chance now i wasted it.

    October the 10th (2 days around that date anyway..) she broke up with me.. My world ended i had nothing.. She still means everything to me, even though she caused me alot of pain recently, which i know i caused her to do.. I still love her more then ever. She wants nothing to do with me, and made sure i cant contact her again. I actually went round her house yesterday (She lives 100miles away), she wasnt in. I went after around 30min of waiting, i knew i'd most likely scare her just turning up like this i didnt want to do that to her..

    Lost all hope of her being in my life, i know to most people it sounds like a little thing to want to kill yourself for..but to me she's my world, everyday without her is torture, i cant sleep knowing shes with some one else. I love her so much it hurts, in a few hours it will all be over atleast.

    Good bye for now.
  2. Esmeralda

    Esmeralda Well-Known Member

    I get it. But please know that you will move on from this and be a better boyfriend/husband/father in the future from your experience. Please do not think that ONE person can make your life worth living. I know it doesn't seem like it right now, it never does. But it WILL happen and you WILL get through this. If it is not meant to be, it will not be. People go through this and they get better and stronger and you will be happier for it. Please hang on.
  3. D3ath

    D3ath Well-Known Member

    I understand and i thank you for your words.

    Its true i probably will improve if i had another relationship. Alot of things are possible if you really want them..
  4. Dave_N

    Dave_N Guest

    Please d3ath, don't do this. I've noticed that many people here become suicidal after breaking up with their girlfriend/boyfriend. I know that breaking up is hard and it hurts, because when my girlfriend broke up with me a few years ago, it really hurt. I just don't believe that anyone is worth dying for, no matter how good they may seem. Your own life is the one that really matters. Plus, in all likelihood, the person that you broke up with will move on and find someone else, so why not do the same? Hang in there d3ath.
  5. Zodi

    Zodi Anitiquities Friend

    I am kind of in the same boat. It really, really hurts when the one you are destined to be with doesn't love you.

    I have had quite a few relationships but this one was different. It was an emotional connection, something I had not felt before. I truly believed, and still do I guess, he is my soulmate.

    I do feel a bit better today. When I start to think of how much I miss him, I think of one of the qualities that irritated me. For instance, when I went to visit him in the evenings instead of going out, he played World of Warcraft while I sat there and went to bed alone. He is a recovering alcoholic and that game kept him from drinking. I understood but it was just substituting one addiction for another.

    That is not probably the most healthy thing to do but it is getting me through it.

    I really hope you start to feel better. I know it will take me along time to be able to trust another again with my feelings and I have come to accept that.
  6. andyc68

    andyc68 Guest

    gone thru the same thing myself, been 6 months now and its still painful.
    the days blur into one and i just feel sick inside.

    got my own place now and its really nice, got everything i want except the one thing i can't have, gets lonely.

    so i am trying to move on now and get back in the game.

    its hard mate i know, but this is something you have got to push yourself past and see what else is out there.

    if you don't try you may miss out on someone just as special

    take care
  7. D3ath

    D3ath Well-Known Member

    Thought its best to let you all know...

    I didnt go through with it.. Its actually a post on here which changed my mind, it gave me hope to end the negative thoughts, even though i still feel the same way for her maybe just one day i can be the person who i was before and the person she fell for.

    Instead of going through with it i made an appointment with the doctor. Sadly it's next Monday :(. Im dreading the wait specially due to Thursday, feel it's likely something will happen between now and then :|. I dont feel any better right now, but trying to be postive although lacking majorly in hope.

    Thanks for all the comments, it relised im not alone. Special thanks to Dazzle [Catherine].
    Last edited by a moderator: Feb 12, 2008
  8. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    That's a very brave step, making an appt with the doc. I'm very proud of you.
    Monday probably seems very far away, but you *can* make it. ... Hang out here, or in chat, that will use up some hours! Are you on facebook? I distract myself for many hours playing scramble. It seems pretty silly to have to come up with "distractions" but at least it stops me from thinking about suicide 24/7, 'cos the fact is that the longer I think on it, the more tempting it becomes. Some nights I'd do anything to stop the pain, and that's when you'll find me wrapped up in bed, crying, listening to music, and playing scramble!

    What happens Thursday that is worrying you?

  9. D3ath

    D3ath Well-Known Member

    Thursday is Valentines day :/.

    Also yeah, i just been trying to kill time by watching House ^_^. Vision got slightly blury now though :s.
  10. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    please hold on :hug:
  11. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    I am glad to see you are okay. Finding distractions can be a good way to cope. Do what it takes to get you through hun. I know it feels like things are hopeless right now, but with time the hurt will lessen. The hurt may not disappear but it takes on a form you can learn to accept. You are not alone. There are many people here willing to support you. :hug:
  12. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    OMG I can't believe I forgot about Valentine's Day...
    Well my nurse is all about "having a plan" and she doesn't mean the plan where I hurt myself... just a plan to stay busy and distracted, so I guess a plan for Valentine's Day might be in order! I'll have to think about it, but I will say I lived in NYC for many years and there are loads of single people there, so it' sno big deal going out alone on Vday or any day for that matter, the city is full of people eating by themselves, going to see bands, or to the movies alone, etx. Nobody notices and it really heoped my self-confidence living there. Thanks for reminding, and I'll have to give it some thought so I can make the day a little easier,
  13. D3ath

    D3ath Well-Known Member

    Stayed the day in :/...

    As always the night is always the worse :( I feel paranoid and crazy.. I really need help i want to just end it. Im paranoid that my ex with her boyfriend now I cant handle it having those sort of thoughts its drives me crazy. I just cant cope..!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11111111111

    I kept having outbursts today when im alone i just felt like crying.. I fell to the kitchen floor earlier wanting to cry just couldnt :(. I was bringing the washing downstairs when i felt really angry because no one would open the door when i had my hands full i just threw the washing to teh floor and left it there. Im sick of feeling so emotional :(

    "To the world you just mean one person but to one person you could mean the world <3"
  14. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    yeah, nights are always rough for me to. try and think of anything else to distract yourself.... a therapist can help with the big stuff, but for getting through a lonely evening i just try and distract myself from my obsessive thoughts. deep, slow breathing, posting here, observing in chat, watching youtube, just breathing, not acting on my feelings, trying to detach an little bit and let the hours tick by. soon it will be morning and you have survived another day. you *can* do it,

  15. kimailis

    kimailis Active Member

    d3ath, you know what might help you? psychological aikido, just write a letter to your ex that sounds something like this: "dear [subject name here], i want to tell you that i got over you finally, and i am ok. i was glad that we spent time together once, and i am glad that we broke up, as now i am free and you are happy, what makes me even happier. best wishes, [subject name here]."
    it is amortization, use your "opponent's" force against him, like this scene in the bus: "(you are trying to find your keys or something)
    -(a person):will you fidget like that for long?
    -(you): yes i will
    -thats not funny!
    -i know, there is nothing funny about that"
    got the idea? it helps many people face problems and failures, try it.
  16. D3ath

    D3ath Well-Known Member

    I really cant do that :( I really dont want to get over them :/.. I know it sounds strange but Im one of those types who view true love as a once in a life time thing.. I cant let go .. [Yes i know the arguements against it, doesnt change how i view it though].

    I dont want to live without her it's that simple :/. Not seeking help to get over her rather to lessen the depression and make me more positive and back to the person i was.
  17. kimailis

    kimailis Active Member

    hmm... you are still in love with her? maybe try to enjoy the fact that you are in love and not the girl, maybe try to make your emotion the subject of your joy?
    if you dont accept that, then i can only say that it seems that you know what helps you, just dont let it hurt you more, and i see that you believe that you will be as you were before, so... keep it up! belief is a good tool.
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