Today is very hard...

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by godsbeloved, Jun 6, 2011.

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  1. godsbeloved

    godsbeloved Active Member

    Hello,
    I just joined. I am an adult with Asperger's syndrome. I am very intelligent, and I have 2 degrees and I am a member of Mensa..but none of that helped me to learn to deal with my difficult neurology. I am naturally very anxious and depressed and I feel everything very intensely. I have powerful emotional responses to ordinary events., and I am emotionally drained all the time. This has left me mostly a hermit. So hard to be around people. I have worked VERY hard at hiding it.

    Over the last few years I lost my marriage, my home, and 3 of my 4 sons said they had had enough of my being so emotional, and cut all communication. I never discussed my anxiety and depression with them, or ever mentioned my suicidal thoughts to them. I learned to perform as well as I could. My second son was gravely injured in Iraq and lost his left arm. both of his eyes, and has brain damage. My marriage fell apart after this happened. I am just not healing and the depression is so bad it's a physical sickness. I feel like I am falling all the time. Despite all my academic accomplishments, I have too much anxiety to work, and I collapse in social situations...Asperger's.

    Today has been really bad and I have been coping with compulsive thoughts of dying all day. I am worn out. I have come close many times over the years. I was suicidal as a small child even. But at that last minute, I always back off from it, because I am not sure that killing my body won't leave me in an even more horrible state of being. I just don't know..so that keeps me from following through. I don't really want to die, I just can't endure the pain.

    I am glad to find this forum. I tried to get professional help a few times but they were so unhelpful that it was made worse. I have severe drug sensitivities, and have never been able to tolerate any medications. I am really alone now. And I feel like I am falling off of a tall building all the time. Really hard. Thanks for listening.
     
  2. tweetypie

    tweetypie Antiquities Friend

    Hi :) :hug: I am so sorry you are feeling this way. No one has any right to say that you are too emotional. The things you have been through are very very hard things to cope with ! Not alot of people would have achieved as much as you have. Im sorry that your family have not been there for you and they have cut contact. It must be very lonley for you. I have a son with aspergers and he also really struggles with his feelings of anxiety even to things most people would consider "trivial" but problems are problems if they worry you it doesnt matter what it is big or small. I hope you find some help here on this site. If you ever need someone to talk to im only a message away xx
     
  3. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    i just wanted to say welcome

    i hope you will stick around and keep posting.

    you will make friends here

    i hope we can help
     
  4. LoveBeing

    LoveBeing Well-Known Member

    Dear godsbeloved,

    It’s great that you are here. I appreciate your screen name by the way :)

    My experiences seem to have told me that trying too hard usually works the opposite ways. Working very hard at hiding your feelings does not only make your own being feel isolated, but also could potentially make people around you sense your distrust or some kind of negative feelings in a more distant way. So acknowledge your feelings and let your feelings be…

    I had a suicidal thought when I was a teenager. Several decades later, now I look back and feel that it was a turning point in my life. It seems that I kind of realized at the time that God is the one that always takes care of life - not just the physical, but life itself…

    May I recommend a book which is available for free download so you can have a quick look and it may just connect with you:

    http://www.holybooks.com/wp-content/...khartTolle.pdf

    The author of the book “The Power of Now”, Eckhart Tolle, was finishing his PHD study when he found himself having the thought “I cannot live with myself any longer”. (see page 8 for the story)

    He also has a website with lots of free stuff:

    http://www.eckharttolletv.com/tv/

    Wishing you well!
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jun 6, 2011
  5. godsbeloved

    godsbeloved Active Member

    Thank you Shadowgirl,
    I am glad you answered. I did not find out I was Aspbeger's until a few years ago. It explains much, and I was lucky to get some good information about how different it is for women than men. I remember having such intense anxiety in school when I was small that my throat would close up and I had a hard time speaking. And gym was a walk through Hell!! I used to get out of bed in the night when I was 7 and 8 years old and pray all night for God to kill me and take me home. And my parents never even knew how much I suffered from anxiety and depression. It was forbidden in my family to talk about feelings or anything real. My mother had borderline and narcissistic personality disorders.

    Yes, I am very lonely now. I came to Romania to get away from the horrible stress of what happened in my family after my son was hurt. When I got the news it felt like I had been shot. I went to the floor, and a part of me never got up. Very complicated...but it reached a point after 2 years where there was nothing I could do for him anymore. And I was dying. I spiritually adopted 2 boys in Romania, and I am still looking after them..they are growing up and that is a big help. But I grieve daily over the losses. And recently my beloved dog who was 15 and I had to leave behind, suddenly died. Thank you for your kind note.
     
  6. godsbeloved

    godsbeloved Active Member

    Hello Lovebeing,
    thank you for your kind reply. I am an admirer of Eckhart Tolle and his work. I watched him when he did his series on Oprah and I studied A New Earth. Thank you for the link and I will download it.
     
  7. godsbeloved

    godsbeloved Active Member

    Thank you Dazzle, I am already helped. Just being able to talk about the forbidden subject. It's so tabu that I found I could not even tell a therapist because the one time I did she got very police like, threatened me with incarceration if I would not sign a contract, wanted to know if I owned a gun and had thought of killing anyone. Needless to say I walked out, and I wrote a letter of complaint to the head of the clinic. So much for addressing it in therapy..it was all CYA. So, just being able to speak of it, is a tremendous relief. Thank you.
     
  8. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Hi and welcome...I think it is worth trying to find someone who is worthy of working with you...you have so many skills that can be used in the service of getting through all the losses you have had...this, coupled with the underlying issues of Asperger's Syndrome must make everything seem so dark and all consuming...please PM me if I can support you...I am always a good listening ear (really compassionate eye as it is cyber)...welcome again and thanks for sharing...big hugs, J
     
  9. godsbeloved

    godsbeloved Active Member

    Hello Sadeyes, thank you for replying. Right now I am living in a tiny village in the country in Turkey...no chance of finding anyone in person. I have a good feeling about this forum, as a pressure release valve.
     
  10. LoveBeing

    LoveBeing Well-Known Member

    Dear godsbeloved,

    It’s great that you are “an admirer of Eckhart Tolle and his work”. If you have any questions about his work, here is a free forum where you can get all the answers you need relating to his work and beyond:

    http://eckhart-tolle-forum.inner-growth.info/viewforum.php?f=4

    I’m also here if you would like to talk to me about it…

    Wish you well!
     
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