One of my ex's and I are still (somewhat) friends and he claims to still care about me and love me, so I chose to tell him what I was going to do. He called me to talk, but then he got another call coming in, and took that instead. Marvelous.
Also, this same ex called my therapist and told her I was having a really hard time and asked her to call me. She said okay. She hasn't.
I went to see a different therapist today to try to get some sort of help, because my regular one wasn't in today. All she recommended was inpatient treatment, and criticized me, saying that other people have it worse off than me. Thanks, you judgmental bitch. Regardless of my situation, it's my feelings that matter, and it's my feelings that are going to kill me today. Not the situation I'm in. And what I feel is betrayal, emptiness, worthlessness, hopelessness, and misery. The pain that you could have worked much harder to help subside.
My mother has made me feel as though hates me right now as well because she found out I was doing drugs in the past and flipped the fuck out on me at the worst possible time. Just over an hour after my relationship ended. She told me last night that I was ruining her life and mine.
And my ex-husband...well, I talked to him today because when we were together we promised each other that if anything that ever threatened to break us apart had happened, we'd die together. He lied about that. He seems ready to me to continue on with his life. As long as he has heroin, and money to buy heroin with, he's content. I don't matter, and probably never did.
And those are the people who have previously held me together. Now, everything has crumbled and I am left with nothing. Hopefully this will be my last post and I finally find the peace I've been wanting for the past 7 years.
I am now going to work on my suicide note and try to say goodbye to a couple more people. I can't wait until I get all the supplies I was going to get. I am going to attempt with the household objects I already have and try my luck. Hopefully by this time tomorrow I will cease to exist.