Today was not a good day

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by sadhart, Aug 1, 2015.

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  1. sadhart

    sadhart Well-Known Member

    i woke up feeling physically weak, but i decided to go to an AA meeting. It was a speaker meeting and i couldn't help but envy the guy who shared his story. despite his alcoholism, he managed to be a successful doctor and have a long marriage. I am 33and i feel like it's too late to have a career or family.

    i had an appointment to see this counselor at this church, but when i got there, i found out that he no longer worked there. i don't know why he set the appointment like that if he knew he would be leaving. i tried not to be upset about this, but it would have been nice to get some things off my chest. afterwards, i had to go to the library and wait for my mother as i was going to stay the night where she's at as i need a little break away from the recovery house i stay at. this may sound paranoid and i don't know if i am explaining it right, but while i was there i encountered a group of girls and i kind of got the sense they were talking about me as they were snickering and saying stuff under their breath when they were walking behind me. again, i know that sounds paranoid, but it just made me feel uncomfortable and more so, frustrated, because there was nothing i could. worse, they did this when i was checking out my books and there was this really attractive librarian at the desk so i felt a bit embarrassed.

    when my mother got there, i was already a bit irritated and more so, because she brought her friend with her. this was frustrating because i really didn't want her to be there as i had to go back to the recovery house to get my things for the weekend. again, just more embarrassment. the relationship between my mother and i is okay at the moment, but i can only take her in small doses. it's hard to deal with her during a car ride because she likes to sing and make observational jokes about damn near everything she sees. so it was a bit more unnerving to have her friend there too as they at one point started talking about the firend's daughter and how well she's doing in her life. this may sound really petty on my part, but it's times like that when i realize that being 16 months sober isn't really an accomplishment. finishing school or having a career and family....these are accomplishments. being sober means that i'm an alcoholic and i may eventually relapse, especially when i feel so worthless like i do now.

    this has been a really bad week and i am not looking forward to the next one. i'm not sure if i explained all this well enough, but i just feel like giving up. sorry for rambling.
  2. Ladygrace

    Ladygrace Active Member

    The paranoid feeling i think alot of people here will feel the same way when they are out and about. I feel that way when i am up town as i don't feel like i fit in with people which maybe you feel as well, which can lead to thinking people are talking about you. As for you mum i would recommend that you ask her politely to not bring friends next time as it is pretty much feels the same as someone telling a friend that "Oh hey my son is in rehab" in front of you which would be completely upsetting for alot of people. Also everyone accomplishes things, so you shouldn't categorize them as small things to you can be a huge accomplishment from where you have been. 16 months sober is a big accomplishment for sure since you can prove to your self that you dont need to drink. Keep up the good work on being sober :)
  3. Unknown_111

    Unknown_111 Forum Buddy Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    I understand you are suffering but you are doing very well. I know its hard but you will get there. You are NOT rambling but simply expressing your feelings. Be strong.
  4. marcpro

    marcpro Member

    Good job for the sober thing, you're not doing bad. Don't blame yourself for the family, I wish you all the best.
    To improve you could write books, meditate, do sports, (porn can lead you to be depressed because of the confrontation between reality and virtual). I feel shit too sometimes then I just meditate 1 hour guess it's now a hobby, got out of depression you can do it too!
  5. sadhart

    sadhart Well-Known Member

    The plan for this weekend was to beat a video game i had been playing for some time and continue working on a short story I am writing. but i just found it diffcult to get much done i'm afraid.
  6. marcpro

    marcpro Member

    Why would you be afraid?
  7. sadhart

    sadhart Well-Known Member

    When I said it that way, I mean it's unfortunate that I wouldn't get to make any progress with the goals that I had planned to work on this past weekend. It wasn't so much that I was actually afraid or anyhting. Sorry for the misunderstanding.
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