i woke up feeling physically weak, but i decided to go to an AA meeting. It was a speaker meeting and i couldn't help but envy the guy who shared his story. despite his alcoholism, he managed to be a successful doctor and have a long marriage. I am 33and i feel like it's too late to have a career or family. i had an appointment to see this counselor at this church, but when i got there, i found out that he no longer worked there. i don't know why he set the appointment like that if he knew he would be leaving. i tried not to be upset about this, but it would have been nice to get some things off my chest. afterwards, i had to go to the library and wait for my mother as i was going to stay the night where she's at as i need a little break away from the recovery house i stay at. this may sound paranoid and i don't know if i am explaining it right, but while i was there i encountered a group of girls and i kind of got the sense they were talking about me as they were snickering and saying stuff under their breath when they were walking behind me. again, i know that sounds paranoid, but it just made me feel uncomfortable and more so, frustrated, because there was nothing i could. worse, they did this when i was checking out my books and there was this really attractive librarian at the desk so i felt a bit embarrassed. when my mother got there, i was already a bit irritated and more so, because she brought her friend with her. this was frustrating because i really didn't want her to be there as i had to go back to the recovery house to get my things for the weekend. again, just more embarrassment. the relationship between my mother and i is okay at the moment, but i can only take her in small doses. it's hard to deal with her during a car ride because she likes to sing and make observational jokes about damn near everything she sees. so it was a bit more unnerving to have her friend there too as they at one point started talking about the firend's daughter and how well she's doing in her life. this may sound really petty on my part, but it's times like that when i realize that being 16 months sober isn't really an accomplishment. finishing school or having a career and family....these are accomplishments. being sober means that i'm an alcoholic and i may eventually relapse, especially when i feel so worthless like i do now. this has been a really bad week and i am not looking forward to the next one. i'm not sure if i explained all this well enough, but i just feel like giving up. sorry for rambling.