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Today was one of the worst.

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I haven't really been feeling like myself lately, but today was terrible. I don't know what is was that made today so bad. School was just like it usually was. Nothing different there. But then I started thinking about things. Just stuff that's been happening lately, and I started to cry. I had the strong urge to cut myself again. I haven't done that in a while, and my last two severe cuts are just now fully healed. I want to feel my skin being pulled apart so bad, but I know I shouldn't.
Of course, I've thought of ending it. I'm sure tons of teens have, but I don't have the balls to do it, no matter how great it sounds. Just being able to leave everything behind, no remorse. Just being gone. In the ground, just a memory soon enough.
Even though I knew I wasn't going to try anything, I just started to think of ways I could do it.edit <moderator total eclipse method> But it's so easy for that to fail, and me just be left unable to talk and eat correctly. edit moderator total eclipse method First of all, I don't have access to anything, and liver failure doesn't sound to nice. Cutting? It'd take to long. edit mod total eclipse method No access. Jumping? Where would I jump from?
After I was done thinking about all of this, I let my mind wonder to why I was feeling this way. Then I realized I don't have a good reason to feel like crap everyday. I just have normal teenage problems, nothing to drastic, I'm not teased (not enough to effect me, anyway), my parents dont abuse me. I have friends, great friends. Sure, people have hurt me, but everyone's been hurt sometime in their life.
Realizing I didn't have a legitimate reason to feel so...depressed, made me feel even more crappy.

I don't have anyone to talk to this about. My bestfriend, is really messed up. She used to cut tons, she's schizophrenic and other things, and I feel like if I opened up to her, she'd just think I was trying to be like her.(deep down, I know she really wouldn't, but it's an excuse that keeps me from talking) I can't tell my mom, she already thinks I try to 'categorize' myself, after I asked if scratching myself till I bleed was bad, a while back. I just know if I tell her how I feel, she'll think it's because I hang around my bestfriend. WHICH IT'S NOT, not at all.
Telling doctors would only result in me getting put on tons of new medication, and possibly being sent to a mental rehabilitation center. I don't need that.
-sigh- I don't know why I'm posting this, I just felt like I really needed to type it out.
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total eclipse

SF Friend
Staff Alumni
im sorry you are having such a rough day Is there a councillor at your school you can talk to one you trust It will be kept confidential i think having someone outside family to talk to helps as that person can be more open to hearing what you have to say and understand perhaps more as well hugs
Today was just a day where you felt like everything became heavier, too hard to deal with right?
You know, most people would say it's normal, that we are all human and that we all have days where everything becomes too much.
But I know how you feel when you feel like your feelings and worries are brushed under a carpet.
It hurts a lot more when you hear things like that from your mother, because at the end of the day you love her and her opinion is what really counts to you, but just know that she may be turning a blind eye to your situation because she doesn't want to have to admit that her child is a little different. I know from experience, so trust me when I say this.
I do agree with total eclipse when she says that you should try talking to someone out of the family... They can help you gain some objective insight into how you're feeling and together you can find some way to figure out what's making you feel so broken and confused :)
She's your best friend for a reason... You've probably relied on her countless times and she has listened to you talk about your other problems: what makes this so different? The fact that she has problems of her own is actually an advantage in this case, because she might be able to help you pinpoint your source of unhappiness and she will probably be able to understand how you're feeling better than anyone you know.
I know this sounds very cliche, but do hang in there :) Don't throw everything away because you feel alone and scared and confused and sad. There are so, so many people who will be heartbroken from you attempting anything impulsive :) I hope you truly do understand that.
Find help, either on your own or with help from friends or family. Sometimes, all a counsellor or a psychologist will do is let you talk and talk and talk: if you're depressed, it's sometimes a much safer, more effective solution than pills :)
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