Today - Will things ever change

Discussion in 'Mental Health Disorders' started by nicolaj1992, Jul 11, 2010.

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  1. nicolaj1992

    nicolaj1992 Member

    Well, (I've started crying already just thinking about things), It is my 18th birthday today. My family didn't even remember it, they thought it was yesterday. I don't live at home and have been living on my own for 21 months, and left home, aged 15, 28 months ago. For as long as I can remember I have felt depressed and over the past thirteen months things have got really worse.

    Back in June last year I took two 'serious life-threatening overdoses' within four days and I have been told I nearly died, although I don't really remember what I took or anything but didn't think I came that close to escaping this torture. I was then admitted to a psychiatric hospital for three weeks. On 10th July last year there was a meeting with all the people involved in my care at that time and I told them that if I wasn't feeling better, in any which way, or if there wasn't anything implemented which I thought may help me feel better within a week then I would turn into the most suicidal person they'd ever come across. I saw my psychologist on the seventh day and was re-admitted to a psych hospital but managed to smuggle in some tablets so overdosed on the ward and was taken to hospital the following day.

    Since then I have made numerous suicide attempts and have been admitted to seven different psychiatric hospitals, numerous times, over the past thirteen months, both voluntary and detained under section 136, section 2 and section 3 of the mental health act. The longest admission being six months from October last year until March this year.

    I have tried medication, therapy, been engaging with services, moved into supported accommodation, re-established relationships with friends and some family members which I ended last year and yet I still feel like I don't want to live. There is so much has gone on in my past which is going to constantly affect my future and will make life impossible for me and really not worth living.

    I am not feeling as bad as I have done in the past but am getting really strong urges to overdose (and I have around 300 tablets of various sorts as well). I don't know what to do, I can't see things ever changing and I never wake up and think 'yes, i'm alive' or 'today was a really good day'. Also, I think I will be more use when I am dead than when I am alive as I am an organ donor so could save the lives of numerous people who are waiting for life-saving transplants and who have more of a chance of being happy and liking life than I will ever have.

    Thinking about it, I don't even know why I have wrote this to be honest but I think it may be that I just needed to get it out somewhere x
  2. mandyj101

    mandyj101 Well-Known Member

    Hi Nicola..

    I just thought id say i have read your post and can relate alot to what you have talked about .. im sorry i cant post much at the moment as i dont feel very good either.

    Happy Birthday for today..

    If you would like someone to talk to tomorrow.. you can PM me if you like..
    Take care :hug:
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