today

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by MoAnamCara, Apr 15, 2014.

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  1. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    oooooops.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Apr 15, 2014
  2. morning rush

    morning rush Well-Known Member

  3. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    I'm normally pretty careful with my words. But right now, I'll be truthful and ugly and be the person I am.

    I don't know or understand why I can be okay and then struggle so much so quickly when triggered by something. I swear to god that I can't do this forever. There are further issues financially this week which is causing a lot of anxiety. I can't see a way out. Honest. I can't deal with current work pressures so to go back to something more like what I was doing before is out of the question. Even adding another job scares m, or the thought of another job. I know we shouldn't say "I can't or I'm not able" and similar. But I don't honestly feel I can deal with something additional.

    Someone agreed to a loan but I've not heard from them in a long time, one payment was made and that was it. It upsets me, not just because of th money but because they haven't even been in touch. I feel stupid, again.

    I had just managed to climb out of a dark place and now this. It seems there is always something. Is this me. Am I overreacting and just being a completely whiny cow?

    Someone today out themselves on a pedestal as they normally do. I bit, I took the bait, I wish I hadn't. I should know better.

    I'm too sensitive and too alone. Someone last week hurt me by a sensible suggestion really, but emotionally it took a lot not to loose it in front of them.

    I know I'm speaking in riddles somewhat, not explaining details. So it'll be near to impossible to understand me, which is nothing new I suppose.

    I can't stop thinking of sui. I am very scared and not sure how yet. And perhaps this will pass and I'll be okay again for a few days or a week or two and then this crap may return. I don't look for it to return when things are ok. I'm not waiting for it or anything similar. But when I get back here it hurts and again I'm back in darkness.

    I have no one. I know many here are in same boat. S again, whiny bitch I say.

    I don't know, I just don't know.
     
  4. DrownedFishOnFire

    DrownedFishOnFire Quieta non movere

    hang in there. Your life can be private as much as you want, screw riddles and youre entitled to say anything you want. Its not being a whiny bitch. Its the others if they can't handle the facts they can move on, its your thread. Do whatever you want to say get it off your chest.

    I cant stop thinking of it either I try to focus on day to day thing when it comes to finances I get overwhelmed easily so youre not alone.
     
  5. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    Thank you drowned fish, very much. Tonight I am somewhere different, not at home. If I had thought ahead it would be have been a good location. Impersonal. Just tired of everything.

    Thank you again for responding.
     
  6. sudut

    sudut Well-Known Member

    don't feel stupid. this happens to everyone sooner or later.
     
  7. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    Yes, I should just accept it.

    Silly me to be bothered about 5k.

    I'm in a different state, a perfect location to do something stupid. All day today thinking about it. No sleep 24 hours. Silly me. I wish I knew how to get out of this. Yes, I can search methods and all of that. But how? Can I?

    A "friend" posted somewhere about sui. I won't quote directly but they said how extremely selfish sui is. They have experienced close people leaving this way. They did state that it was sad that these people see no other way out. I don't know, it just upset me, the way things were stated. Perhaps another misconception by me.

    I sent a message to someone to cut contact pretty much. I am wasting their time. Simply put. It hurts but on of point delaying the inevitable.

    It's amazing in a location, surrounded by people, how completely lonely I feel. Lonely and alone. Wanting to hide but also wanting someone to reach out. Go figure that. But there isn't anyone to reach out, further how can anyone be aware of what's going on with me when I hide it so well?

    More senseless drivel.
     
  8. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    Sad. Just plain old sad.
     
  9. BornFree

    BornFree Well-Known Member

    OMG Mo... :arms: just seen this, you are SO TOTALLY entitled to feel the way you do, and 5K geez that is a lot actually, life changing for some so hell yeah be mad its okay and its not right. I see you are on leave now, but sending all the hugs and chocolate I can boot over to there - where ever there is right now. You are awesome Missy - Just saying and begging and pleading so please try and be kind to yourself ok? Hugs Ditz :grouphug:
     
  10. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    hi Mo. I too just saw this. I have not been a good friend at all. So weakaned and tired I make a terrible friend. Please know I care so much. I am so sorry you are going through this. I wish I had a way to help out on some, any level. Money. Oh how I wish I had money to spare, lol.To give you money to help you out. But alas, we know thats the opposite of the way it is. Or if I could just help in any way. As I slip into deeper dispair and terror, I am of less use to anyone. But please know I care so much about you. And that I consider you a good person and a friend :hug:
     
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