Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by mei, Feb 1, 2016.

  1. mei

    mei Active Member

    From the moment I woke up I told myself that today would be a good day. It was going to go well. I was going to face my friends and my teachers and my parents with the same look I give them every other day. But once I got to the car it just felt harder.

    I don't know why but I felt like puking. Not puking because of a mushroom I ate or anything but my stomach was twisting and my chest was just heavy. But so far, it was good.

    For some reason I was quiet. I couldn't bring myself to make small talk or smile that smile that made my jaw hurt. The day was just getting harder for some reason. So the whole day I just sat there trying to act as normal as I can.

    I would catch myself staring off into space. And I was just off. It was that feeling, it hasn't left yet and I just wanted to go home. I wanted to puke.

    I'd write in my notebook repeatedly, I'm okay I'm okay just stop thinking. Don't think. Just shut up and get on with your day. Just shut up shut up shut up. Today's a good day. Don't you dare cry here. Act normal. Get through today and go home. Wait a little longer. Don't be a fucking whore.
    Stop it stop it stop it stop it. You're okay. Say only that and it'll be fine.
    Today is a good day.

    And that's all that I'd write.

    And I just wanted to tell someone. That I wasn't okay. For someone to notice that whenever I said "Of course I'm fine." I was lying. I'd stare into someone's eyes for a second and wish that they can see. But no one ever does because I'm just being stupid. But it's hard. Some days I'd just wish that the car would be hit by a truck just so I wouldn't have to do it myself. Let's face it, I won't be able to. Such a fucking coward.

    And I just want to curl up on the floor and sleep.
  2. JmpMster

    JmpMster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    It is hard to keep it all inside and not have anybody to talk to- and I won't lie- opening up and talking to people while often helpful can also be both difficult and have unwelcome consequences depending on who that person is. If parents are out of the question, and professional help is out of the question I really suggest finding a teacher that you feel comfortable with to talk to. I am sure your school has some type of counselor or somebody looking after students with needs like yous as well.

    When you do decide to talk to somebody, sometimes it is just a huge relief and you feel better, and sometimes it can be a huge letdown because that initial relief at having talked is left with a bad feeling that nothing instantly changed and that maybe they didn't say what you wanted or didn't have answers for you. Talking is good, but talking about it will not change every situation either. Different cultures, as you well know, view "talking" about these things very differently.

    Aside from talking here so that you don't have to bottle it up, try something. You said you write notes to yourself- write down how the conversation would go in your mind- what you would WANT to hear , what you would want them to say. You might start to get some of the answers you are looking for by writing down the dialogue you would want to have and just seeing what you would say to yourself, what advice you would give yourself - because those are the only answers you really want to hear (or any of us in your situation) and seldom do we get those when we talk to others- but analyzing them may give you a clue of what you do need. Tell your feelings and situation as yourself, and the answers like you would give to somebody just like you but pretending you are not talking to yourself but to somebody else. While it seems very corny it might help stop the spinning of the same ideas in your mind that just go round and round with no answer, and more importantly, you might figure out what it is you really want or need to make things start to improve.
    2 people like this.
  3. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Hi honey, how did your exam grades go?
    I am really sorry you are suffering but glad your were able to air your thoughts here. Think of ''sf'' as a safe place. You can talk to us about anything and you won't be judged etc.. it is a good place,filled with extraordinary people from all over the world who would only want the best for you. I hope tomorrow won't be so bad. I know right now you feel you cannot talk to people about personal things but maybe somewhere down the line you will be able to. I hope so anyway. Best of luck to you.
  4. mei

    mei Active Member

    i'll try that, the conversation thing. I'm not sure if I'll find the answers since I'm still pretty lost with what I'm feeling. Thank you for the advice. I should've thought of that, don't know if I would've but still. I'll try finding out if our school has a counsellor. Thank you for reading, and for replying. It really is a great feeling that people actually give a damn about the things I vent out here. Thank you :D
    2 people like this.