I just went and got coffee.. I feel like shit today.. I was carrying it home and wanted to just throw it to the ground and break down.. Today in 2005 my brother died in the hospital.. Only 1 day from 13 years old.. I can remember the day so well right now.. :cry: I had stayed home to help my mom with the daycare. After we got the daycare ready we headed out to the hospital he was at.. I was in his room. He was awake, but hardly moving or doing anything.. I tired desperately to get him to come around. Got him his game boy and tried to read to him. But he was so out of it and didn't seem like he cared at that point. My mom told me to go take the daycare to the kids room and watch them while she talked to the doctors.. So I took them there and watched them a while. After a bit I went back and my mom told me she was having me and the daycare go to my aunts place. I went over to my aunts.. When I was there, she told me she didn't think my brother was coming back.. The way she said it hit me so hard, but I didn't cry. He had been in the hospital a lot of times before, and I had faith he could pull through.. I stayed there until the daycare left and my other two brothers were picked up from school. After that I went home with my brothers and watched them that night. I put on a lot of movies to distract the boys.. My dad had not come home and my aunt had told me he was going to be with my mom and brother at the hospital. So I waited there at home. After a while my anxiety started spiking.. I tried to call my mom and dad, numerous times. But I never got an answer. Eventually my parents came through the front door. They had us all sit down in the living area. We started talking about it and life after death. And then our church bishop came and spoke to our family.. By this time it was completely dark outside and had been for some time. As we talked about the religious aspects of death and how he had gone to another place, my heart sank deep. I cried and tried to hide myself even though we were all in the same room. Our family NEVER talked about emotions.. I had these overwhelming feelings of guilt, hate, sadness, emptiness.. After our bishop left, we all headed to our bedrooms for bed.. And after that is becomes almost a blur.. For a year or two I hid myself from my family and escaped through video games and the internet.. Until those emotions could hold no longer and I started SH and suicide attempts..