Today...

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Kiba, Apr 28, 2011.

  1. Kiba

    Kiba Well-Known Member

    I just went and got coffee.. I feel like shit today.. I was carrying it home and wanted to just throw it to the ground and break down.. Today in 2005 my brother died in the hospital.. Only 1 day from 13 years old.. I can remember the day so well right now.. :cry: I had stayed home to help my mom with the daycare. After we got the daycare ready we headed out to the hospital he was at.. I was in his room. He was awake, but hardly moving or doing anything.. I tired desperately to get him to come around. Got him his game boy and tried to read to him. But he was so out of it and didn't seem like he cared at that point.

    My mom told me to go take the daycare to the kids room and watch them while she talked to the doctors.. So I took them there and watched them a while. After a bit I went back and my mom told me she was having me and the daycare go to my aunts place.

    I went over to my aunts.. When I was there, she told me she didn't think my brother was coming back.. The way she said it hit me so hard, but I didn't cry. He had been in the hospital a lot of times before, and I had faith he could pull through.. I stayed there until the daycare left and my other two brothers were picked up from school.

    After that I went home with my brothers and watched them that night. I put on a lot of movies to distract the boys.. My dad had not come home and my aunt had told me he was going to be with my mom and brother at the hospital. So I waited there at home.

    After a while my anxiety started spiking.. I tried to call my mom and dad, numerous times. But I never got an answer.

    Eventually my parents came through the front door. They had us all sit down in the living area. We started talking about it and life after death. And then our church bishop came and spoke to our family.. By this time it was completely dark outside and had been for some time. As we talked about the religious aspects of death and how he had gone to another place, my heart sank deep. I cried and tried to hide myself even though we were all in the same room. Our family NEVER talked about emotions.. I had these overwhelming feelings of guilt, hate, sadness, emptiness..

    After our bishop left, we all headed to our bedrooms for bed.. And after that is becomes almost a blur.. For a year or two I hid myself from my family and escaped through video games and the internet.. Until those emotions could hold no longer and I started SH and suicide attempts..
     
  2. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    i'm so sorry today is the anniversary of your brother's death. it must be so hard for you. my heart goes out to you. maybe you can do something special to remember him. something little like light a candle and remember a good time you shared. sending a big hug.
     
  3. mulberrypie

    mulberrypie Well-Known Member

    :hug: swift. i know today has been hellish for you. hardest day of the year. luckily it's almost over. how did that meeting you had go? hope youre okay
     
  4. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    oh i am so sorry swift your pain your sadness anniversaries are the worst i understand I hope you had support for you to get through this day Your brother is in your heart he is and he would not want this sadness for you hugs
     
  5. Kiba

    Kiba Well-Known Member

    Meeting went good.. It will be also hard tomorrow. As tomorrow is also his birthday. But for now I'm holding up OK.. I wish I had someone I could hang out with that I could trust.

    I got my first disability check in the mail today.. Need to deposit that tomorrow and get checks.. So that's good. Also got my bills to come to me now.

    I want to do something for today. But I really don't know what. I go outside, and I start thinking. And I can't get the feelings out. I want to break down. I couldn't hardly remember my payee's address in order to change where the bills went.

    Anyway.. I guess I'm holding up as best I can. I made myself eat something. I really want to just sit in bed all day. Starve myself. But I know that wont help at all.

    And I guess it's hard to explain this. How someone could still be so caught up in someone else death 6 years after they have died.. Well.. I've always felt singled out. My entire life. There aren't many people who loose a sibling.. And even less that loose a sibling who was disabled their entire lives. A sibling whom the entire family took care of. And when that focus was gone. So was my purpose.. And so his death, marked the end of my own life.. As far as my purpose.. If that makes and sense.. After his death I felt as though I had no need to exist anymore. My role of taking care of my family had ceased to be needed. And therefore in my mind, I wasn't needed anymore. My purpose of holding the family together was null.

    My parents then focused more on my other two brothers.. Me being the oldest, them thinking I was mature and OK, was still neglected.. And I guess I caused that in the first place. I isolated myself from them.

    I've tried so many groups.. I've tried grief and loss groups and I'm still singled out. I've tried gender and sexual minority groups for my orientation. And I've had so many problems there. I was singled out as a child as well. The girl with a handicapped brother. The loner.

    I've always been singled out. I've never had true friends. Only have been used for various reasons. And somehow I still allow it. I let myself get used.

    Anyway... I just have my entire life on my mind.. Just everything I've ever done. Just to be thrown away and beaten. Over and over.

    I'm holding on.. Best I can.. And I just want to say.. right now, this place, this forum, is the ONLY place I have ever NOT felt singled out. I feel accepted.. Thank you all.. :hug:
     
  6. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    glad you had a meeting hun that is all one can do is hold on okay post here go to chat go for walks keep busy okay. Your brother would want that for you to be well hugs