Today is one of those anniversary dates that I really would rather forget. The abuse began before this date, but afterwards it became a daily event. It was one of the hardest times in my life. I was definitely not me. But that's what they want, they change our way of thinking, demoralize us and after listening to so much negativity for so long - we succumb and believe. We behave, we acquiesce. And some of it I still believe. I can hear the voice, the words. I can feel the weight upon me, I can feel physical pain. I feel the fear, hear the banging. The thoughts tonight are causing much anxiety. I am scared. I know logically it makes no sense. But trying to believe that within my mind is something different completely. It is so difficult, trying to deal with the other things and have this come and hit me in the face pretty much. I'm unsure why its so powerful this year. So encompassing, so enormously frightening. I wish I could forget. I wish these thoughts/feelings would leave, would not affect me this way. But, instead I am here struggling to breath and being startled by every sound tonight. I need to do something to help tonight. To distract, probably by negative means. I cannot deal with this, not right now, not ever. I am what was told to me, afterall, it seems.