Today's depressive post.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by WannaEndit01, Aug 25, 2016.

  1. WannaEndit01

    WannaEndit01 Well-Known Member

    I am writing because I am here.

    I have not tried to kill myself yet today. That's a step in the right direction. I am pretending that doom is not all around me. If you read my post, you'd know yesterday I tried twice. Can't say how, that's against the rules. What I can say is I quit each time close to 1/2 way there is my guess.

    If I keep this up, one of these times I going to be successful, which is what my depressive mind wants.

    Why? Why did I quit? Honestly, I don't want death. But when the depression hits that's all there is. And it hit big time this time. Everything collapsed around me and I've retreated into major depression. Now I am fighting to get out -- sometimes. Other times the depression wins.

    Anyway that's my current two cents.
     
  2. IamTetsuo

    IamTetsuo Well-Known Member

    Well it's a good job that you haven't gone through with it then! Why did you quit? What do you really want? You don't have to write it here if you don't want but it's a good question to really ask yourself. I would say don't try to fight your depression just accept it and be with it, there's a saying that whatever we resist persists. It's just as acceptable to be sad as it it to be happy but your sadness may be trying to tell you something.

    If you're not sure that it's what you want then please don't do it.
     
  3. calvinandhobbs

    calvinandhobbs Well-Known Member

    So when you stop half way, how does it feel?
     
  4. WannaEndit01

    WannaEndit01 Well-Known Member

    "Why did you quit?" my best guess is am afraid of death.

    "What do I really want?" Great question. There's two way that can be answered, in reality, and out of reality. I've chosen to answer in reality, because out of reality is not possible. So here's what I want: I want one of my proposals to be accepted and succeed so that I can buy my house and have enough to retire. If that were to happen, I believe the rest of what I am looking for would follow.

    "I would say don't try to fight your depression just accept it and be with it" this I totally disagree with you. My depression is debilitating. I lie on my bed, or sit in a chair, and can't move. To accept it would be to accept my death. That is what my depression wants -- me to kill myself.

    "It's just as acceptable to be sad as it it to be happy but your sadness may be trying to tell you something." My sadness is telling my something -- I am 90% screwed. That I have a 10% chance of changing things. I need to be un-depressed to maximize my 10% chance. So accepting my sadness won't work.

    "So when you stop half way, how does it feel?" H'mm. tough question. I ask myself what I am doing, and how close was I. Then there's a sense of disappointment that I did not follow through with it. The despresso part totally wants me dead. There is small voice that says don't be stupid, and least try before you quit.