It came to that point today. I just could not possibly bear to hold it in for another day, after having yet another pile of shit dropped on me today. I don't know if I could have made it another day.
I straight up asked my dad: "Are you happy in life?" - I wanted to know if things actually get better. If my dad was happy, I would believe that anyone could achieve happiness. He has not lead a great life, but he has a lot of things that I wish to one day have as well- a nice house, decent kids (I suppose :P) and a hard but secure job.
To my amazement, he told me quite plainly that he was happy. He seemed sincere. He listed a few simple things that give his life meaning.
I couldn't hold back any more. It took a ton of deliberation and guts, but I did it. I plainly told him about my feelings. I poured almost everything out. I told him about how I dread life, and don't see it getting better. I told him about how I want to have my own family one day, and my disappointments with myself in making no progress with this at all. How I hated sitting at home doing nothing all day. How I am terrified of becoming the middle age man that lives in his parents basement. How my immense depression is causing me to have "bad thoughts"- he knew what I meant. I told him that I wanted to see a doctor and get onto some medication for depression. I was so terrified before I started talking, but as I got going I just couldn't stop. I laid my pathetic life out, and gave my sincere thoughts on it. I literally felt like I was outside of my body, watching myself talk. It's hard to explain, it felt like I wasn't really there. This was it: my cry for help.
I just kept talking, and talking. I finally stopped, and felt more tense than I ever had before. How would he react? Did I just make a huge mistake?
At first he seemed like he was taken aghast that I was actually talking to him about it. I have never, ever bared any of my personal feelings to him like this before. It was then amazing. He was very happy that I felt that I could actually confide in him. I could tell that he didn't exactly understand, but he was trying to. He acted in a way that I only hoped he would: he empathized with me. He wants to help me. I don't believe he has ever hit rock bottom mentally like I have, but he told me he knows what it's like to have bad depression. He doesn't think I should try to get on medication. He thinks that my depression will go away if I start working towards positive things. I'm not so sure about that, but I guess so. He wants to help me push forward.
He also said something to me about "never set deadlines for yourself". This hit me like a truck, because I have definately been doing that. I don't know exactly what he meant, but it kind of made me feel bad. I think he's talking about the fact that I am in my 20s and have never had a girlfriend. :/
It felt like sticking a needle into a balloon, it released a ton of pressure that has been building up for over a year now. Relief.
I don't know where I'm going from here. I feel some relief from my depression, if only for a small time.
I straight up asked my dad: "Are you happy in life?" - I wanted to know if things actually get better. If my dad was happy, I would believe that anyone could achieve happiness. He has not lead a great life, but he has a lot of things that I wish to one day have as well- a nice house, decent kids (I suppose :P) and a hard but secure job.
To my amazement, he told me quite plainly that he was happy. He seemed sincere. He listed a few simple things that give his life meaning.
I couldn't hold back any more. It took a ton of deliberation and guts, but I did it. I plainly told him about my feelings. I poured almost everything out. I told him about how I dread life, and don't see it getting better. I told him about how I want to have my own family one day, and my disappointments with myself in making no progress with this at all. How I hated sitting at home doing nothing all day. How I am terrified of becoming the middle age man that lives in his parents basement. How my immense depression is causing me to have "bad thoughts"- he knew what I meant. I told him that I wanted to see a doctor and get onto some medication for depression. I was so terrified before I started talking, but as I got going I just couldn't stop. I laid my pathetic life out, and gave my sincere thoughts on it. I literally felt like I was outside of my body, watching myself talk. It's hard to explain, it felt like I wasn't really there. This was it: my cry for help.
I just kept talking, and talking. I finally stopped, and felt more tense than I ever had before. How would he react? Did I just make a huge mistake?
At first he seemed like he was taken aghast that I was actually talking to him about it. I have never, ever bared any of my personal feelings to him like this before. It was then amazing. He was very happy that I felt that I could actually confide in him. I could tell that he didn't exactly understand, but he was trying to. He acted in a way that I only hoped he would: he empathized with me. He wants to help me. I don't believe he has ever hit rock bottom mentally like I have, but he told me he knows what it's like to have bad depression. He doesn't think I should try to get on medication. He thinks that my depression will go away if I start working towards positive things. I'm not so sure about that, but I guess so. He wants to help me push forward.
He also said something to me about "never set deadlines for yourself". This hit me like a truck, because I have definately been doing that. I don't know exactly what he meant, but it kind of made me feel bad. I think he's talking about the fact that I am in my 20s and have never had a girlfriend. :/
It felt like sticking a needle into a balloon, it released a ton of pressure that has been building up for over a year now. Relief.
I don't know where I'm going from here. I feel some relief from my depression, if only for a small time.
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