I heard this lady giving a TED talk about compassion..and she took a moment to talk about some other words,, one of which was Tolerance. She was saying how Tolerance denotes enduring, forbearance, putting up with something, allowing for deviation….or what really struck me, was the meaning associated with scientific testing. The ability to withstand limits of extreme conditions and still thrive. Of all the stories that I listened to…some heartrending…the words once again to “thrive” or not to thrive... are what drove me over the edge again. Who wants to live a life of continually being on the edges of extreme pain and to barely survive?? To not really thrive, just survive? What the F*&^* for?? I am not even thriving. I am just enduring..just existing. I use my behaviours and hide in my cave…just to remain? Is that all that life really is to me any more? I've been holed up for over a week now, my feelings badly hurt and struggling with the bad thoughts all the time...and I just don't think I can take anymore. People only call if they need something from me... **sigh** There's a picture I love....an angel with a homeless person with his head in her lap laying down on a stone wall...she has her hand on his shoulder as she watches out for him as he sleeps. I want that too... I'm just so tired and alone. I just want to feel safe for an hour. Just lay my head down in someone's lap and rest...feel connection. Just one hour. It's been years. Can't I just have ONE hour??? Why am I not worth one hour?!