Tomorrow...I don't know if I can take it.

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by Hazel Morse, Dec 16, 2013.

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  1. Hazel Morse

    Hazel Morse Well-Known Member

    My apologies for this post, especially the length. I'm panicking over what I may have to do tomorrow, and I'm self-medicating (Dutch Courage, if you like a positive spin) <Mod Edit - Acy - methods>.

    Tomorrow I have to decide whether to renew my contract for a year or two years with my current job. If I make a mistake here I could be unemployed and homeless in 6 months time. If I stay I'm condemned to more years of exile, with the possibility of no return to my native land. I am told by everyone that I make the wrong decisions, and that my life is over. I was told this when I got my leaving-school results, when I got a distinction average at university, when I failed my first job, and my second, and my marriage. My life has been declared over at least a 5 times, I must have nine of them like a bloody cat.

    I don't know if it's too specific to say here, but I'm a teacher at an international school in a third world country. Due to several mistakes I've made over the past few months - mostly due to my non-existant computer skills and the fact that I have no one to teach me (like every other time in my life when I've requested help with this I got the same answer "Just play around with the website - you'll be fine!" Well, I played around with it and it's refused to accept anything I sent and it's past the deadline now), I have very little chance of getting a job in my home country, because I have no proof of accreditation. I was registered with a company for international jobs but the person in charge won't return my emails, I don't know why. And I just found out that my profile I sent with the other companies is unreadable, so the schools on those websites won't hire me.

    My current position has a bad rep (they didn't pay me once for 6 months - they still owe me money) and I have no friends among the ex-pat community. I have no friend anywhere who can pull strings or put my name up like anyone else. I've spent the last 4 years wasting away here, but I can't go back to my home country. I need two references to rent a flat there and as I have no friends and all my relatives hate me; I can't even imagine being hired for any kind of job. My stepfather was nice enough to say two weeks ago that nobody would ever hire me anyway. I only wish he were lying. I know he is right - I am a piece of shit,and no one in their right mind would hire me.

    I can't go back and live with him and my mother. When I wanted to transfer out of the uni course she made me do she literally knocked me down; punched me in the face and over I went. When my husband left me she pulled a wad of my hair out. Her constant refrain is "I wish I'd died of cancer when you were ten like Mary's (my childhood friend) mum", because I'm such a fucking embarrassment, being a teacher and a shitty one at that. I can't go back to that - that's why I married in the first place.

    Panicking. May be homeless. May have to stay in third-world. Will be told I'm an utter shit no matter what. May be thinking about <Mod Edit - Acy - Methods> this time tomorrow.
    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 16, 2013
  2. MisterBGone

    MisterBGone Well-Known Member

    Hello Hazel, I think that you should just forget everything bad that has been said and done to you. From now on, just make decisions on what's best for you, and don't waste any energy on what anybody else thinks. I don't know if you've made up your mind yet on where you're going to live and work, but it sounds like both situations are manageable. Going home will likely require you to make contacts and figure out why paperwork is not being processed and such. In other words, communication on your part, provided by a little bit of effort. Whether you stay where you are now for another year or two (while you look for something better elsewhere), or go back from where you came, things can work out fine. There's always another way to get something done if you want it badly enough. You've just got to figure out what it is. Never mind the negative criticism. Only you know the real truth. And I bet your students would disagree with your assessment of your teaching performance. Best Regards, Mr. B!

    P.S.) If you have any computer related questions maybe you could post them here and somebody (smarter than me) might be able to answer them...
    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 17, 2013
  3. may71

    may71 Well-Known Member

    It sounds like you are from a very abusive family that has made you feel really bad about yourself.

    The problem isn't you, it's them.

    Sounds also like the school you are with is taking advantage of you.

    Could you return home and get medical/disability/other benefits? It seem like if you could get a break and get out from under all of the abuse that you've had to deal with, things could get better.

    hope that I can help in some way <3
  4. Hazel Morse

    Hazel Morse Well-Known Member

    Thank you... I've had "a stay of execution" and don't have to make the decision until Jan 6th.

    I have no support network so if I go back I would have to spend my tiny savings (when the school pays me) on hotels (my country does not allow people to rent flats or houses without 2 references who are not immediate family, just like a job interview) - so with no friends and no relatives to give me a reference I'm pretty much screwed.
  5. Hazel Morse

    Hazel Morse Well-Known Member

    Not sure how to reply to accounts here... but thank you. They were good ideas, and it is helpful to me "talk it out" - somehow. No, going home is not really the best option (from my other comment) and when I left 5 years ago, I left without informing the authorities of my change of address. I thought I would be dead by now, so I didn't think it mattered, but of course it does. I've missed voting in elections... in my country that's an offence and punishable by a 400$ USD fine at least.

    I went back in July to renew my National Health Service Card in preparation for going back... no one believed that I was eligible for it because I "looked too Asian". I thought about showing my passport but it says I've been living overseas for 5 years - I don't really know how this might have hurt/ helped my story. It turns out I'm in a National system that can be accessed via computer anyway, so it's not so much of an issue, but I don't know about anything else.

    The last psychologist I saw (in that country, 5 years ago) told me I'd have to live with my parents or go on public benefits if I didn't find a job soon - I'd been "encouraged" to leave my last position because it was a religious school and my husband left me which was NOT OK. When I asked if he knew of any person or website that could walk me through the process of receiving benefits he sneered "How should I be expected to know that? None of my family has ever been in such a position that they'd have to accept the dole [imagine tones of infinite disgust], you know!" So with that, I've kind of been put off, plus the dole is not really enough to live on, where I'm from, unless you live in the extreme rural areas with no resources - and even there it's just enough to keep body and soul together - it would pay food and rent, but not travel expenses, and that is a huge consideration for job-hunting in my country.

    I probably will stay in my current (abusive) job, but it is nice to have this forum to vent.
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