My apologies for this post, especially the length. I'm panicking over what I may have to do tomorrow, and I'm self-medicating (Dutch Courage, if you like a positive spin) <Mod Edit - Acy - methods>. Tomorrow I have to decide whether to renew my contract for a year or two years with my current job. If I make a mistake here I could be unemployed and homeless in 6 months time. If I stay I'm condemned to more years of exile, with the possibility of no return to my native land. I am told by everyone that I make the wrong decisions, and that my life is over. I was told this when I got my leaving-school results, when I got a distinction average at university, when I failed my first job, and my second, and my marriage. My life has been declared over at least a 5 times, I must have nine of them like a bloody cat. I don't know if it's too specific to say here, but I'm a teacher at an international school in a third world country. Due to several mistakes I've made over the past few months - mostly due to my non-existant computer skills and the fact that I have no one to teach me (like every other time in my life when I've requested help with this I got the same answer "Just play around with the website - you'll be fine!" Well, I played around with it and it's refused to accept anything I sent and it's past the deadline now), I have very little chance of getting a job in my home country, because I have no proof of accreditation. I was registered with a company for international jobs but the person in charge won't return my emails, I don't know why. And I just found out that my profile I sent with the other companies is unreadable, so the schools on those websites won't hire me. My current position has a bad rep (they didn't pay me once for 6 months - they still owe me money) and I have no friends among the ex-pat community. I have no friend anywhere who can pull strings or put my name up like anyone else. I've spent the last 4 years wasting away here, but I can't go back to my home country. I need two references to rent a flat there and as I have no friends and all my relatives hate me; I can't even imagine being hired for any kind of job. My stepfather was nice enough to say two weeks ago that nobody would ever hire me anyway. I only wish he were lying. I know he is right - I am a piece of shit,and no one in their right mind would hire me. I can't go back and live with him and my mother. When I wanted to transfer out of the uni course she made me do she literally knocked me down; punched me in the face and over I went. When my husband left me she pulled a wad of my hair out. Her constant refrain is "I wish I'd died of cancer when you were ten like Mary's (my childhood friend) mum", because I'm such a fucking embarrassment, being a teacher and a shitty one at that. I can't go back to that - that's why I married in the first place. tl;dr Panicking. May be homeless. May have to stay in third-world. Will be told I'm an utter shit no matter what. May be thinking about <Mod Edit - Acy - Methods> this time tomorrow.