Tomorrow is it.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by lostgirl88, Mar 24, 2014.

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  1. lostgirl88

    lostgirl88 Member

    I know there are many here that will try to talk me out of this, I know that there is a slim chance that something could happen to change my mind or I may just chicken out. All that I know is I have hit rock bottom, reached the end of the rope, hit a brick wall, and every other cliche that could be used to say just how done I am. I have thought about ending my life with varying degrees of seriousness for over 30 years. I always stuck around because there were people that would be hurt be my dying, well I have reached the low disgust hate myself point were my being here is causing those people more pain than if I were gone, so it's time to go I think, I would hold out one more day in hopes that there is a sign
  2. youRprecious!

    youRprecious! Antiquities Friend

    If I told you about how I was rescued (I believe, supernaturally) would that be sign enough lostgirl? I am really praying that you do decide to stay - you may not know what for yet, but I know how it feels to be as you've described, and I do promise you that there is real hope to be found. I didn't believe it either, thought I had exhausted every avenue and could not get out of my logjam - but there was the same Person looking after me as looks after us all and so it's possible, with new insight to start over. Promise. :)
  3. PinkiePieInTheSky

    PinkiePieInTheSky Well-Known Member

    Please dial 911 or go to the ER. It may seem drastic, but what you are going to do is drastic.
  4. lostgirl88

    lostgirl88 Member

    I used to believe have been thru many faith crises with others and I have always been the one to prove God's love and existence and I have tried so hard honestly as I struggle here on the eve of my son's pending confirmation into the faith of our birth for me to say I have reached the end is not something I take lightly, I cried thru mass all morning this morning and struggled thru the confirmation practice this evening as a person of faith I can not even explain how hard this is, my heart cries out in agony and I can only explain it in that my heart and soul both know my agony
  5. AnaNg

    AnaNg Antiquities Friend

    I don't know if this will help, but I'm a sister in faith to you and I also spent all of Mass this morning crying (and alternately trying not to cry to keep from upsetting my kids). I have also struggled with depression for close to as long as you have (a good 26 years at least) and have contemplated suicide many times and have actually come very close to attempting multiple times in the last year. It is a kind of hell on earth that I wouldn't wish on anyone and I completely understand as a person of faith how agonizing this is. My own faith has taken a real beating this past year (which is a story all of its own), but I've come to realize that I don't know how to navigate this life without some semblance of faith in God. I have struggled with where God is in all of this and have been very angry with Him for quite a long while because I wonder why He is silent and where He is. My husband's godmother (who is his favourite aunt and our eldest's namesake) and I were talking recently and I was telling her how hard it has been and how I wonder where God is in all of this and she said, "You may not sense His presence or know where He is, but He knows where you are, I promise." As my big brother told me a couple of months back, "He is, even now, very near to you, even at your elbow." There is truth in that. I have read that when we are suffering the most, it is when we are closest to God because we are more closely united to the sufferings and agonies of Christ on the cross. So often, I think, we focus on the physical agony of the crucifixion and forget the mental and spiritual anguish of the cross, but it was there too and, in my opinion, was likely the worse agony in many ways.

    As a fellow Catholic, there are a few things that you might want to try that could help alleviate some of the distress you're experiencing:
    * Confession -- I know it's kind of the go-to answer for everything, but it can't hurt to go confess the venial sins (assuming you've not committed any mortal ones) you've committed if for no other reason than to receive the graces of the sacrament.
    * Anointing of the Sick -- another sacrament and a very powerful one. I've been anointed so many times by our parish priest (and a few other priests) in the last year that I have lost count. Your situation definitely qualifies as a time when this sacrament is appropriate. You will have to be very, very honest with your priest about the gravity of the situation and as hard as that is, trust me, he's heard it before and while he'll be concerned for you, he won't bat an eyelash. Please do this for yourself.
    * Eucharist -- if there's any way you can manage it, try to get to daily Mass. I know this can be very hard to do, but if you can manage it even a few days a week, you might find some relief of your symptoms. If you have a perpetual adoration chapel near you, going to visit Jesus in the Blessed Sacrament is very healing too.
    * St. Dymphna -- she is my saintly best friend and my primary patron saint. Seriously, the woman is an awesomely powerful intercessor. Ask her to pray for you (and I'll ask her to pray for you too) in this. She is the patron saint of mental illness and mental health workers (a good one to intercede for any doctors or therapists who are caring for you too) too. Her feast day is May 15. If you go to the website for the National Shrine of St. Dymphna (, they have a novena to her that you can download and pray.
    * Rosary -- everyone knows this devotion, but it's one that I've found very helpful especially when I'm anxious. In particular, I use an audio recording of Mother Angelica and the nuns praying it that I got for free at the EWTN website. Something about the repetition of the prayers and the voices of the nuns all praying together is very soothing. I find that keeping a rosary in my pocket and simply holding it when I'm very distraught can help.

    Non-Catholic things to do:
    * Call your doctor or therapist. If you don't have one, call the suicide crisis hotline (1-800-273-8255) and talk to them. Once you get through this crisis (and you can get through it if you give yourself enough time and talk it out), please either get with your regular doctor or therapist for a session or call your general practitioner for a referral to someone.
    * Call a trusted friend and talk to her about this. Get out and get coffee with her. Sometimes just the act of getting out helps me.
    * Some quick questions:
    When did you last eat? -- if it's been several hours, try to eat something small with a little protein and carbs. It helps, but I know it's a struggle sometimes (my appetite falls to near zero when I'm depressed).
    When did you last sleep and how much? -- lack of sleep or not enough good quality sleep makes everything harder. Again, I'm preaching to myself a bit here as my sleep is a little jacked up.
    Have you had any water today? -- hydration is another thing that helps too
    Have you taken your meds today? -- sometimes missing meds can screw with our mood in a big way

    Above all, know that I truly understand the heartbreaking agony you're feeling. I have been there so so so many times. A number of folks on this forum can attest to that fact. But I'm still here and I'm still trying to put one foot in front of the other, despite the pain and despite the fact that there are days that it hurts like hell and I want to end my life just to make it all stop. The thing is, you (and I) have people who love you and care about you and would be absolutely heartbroken and lost without you. If you think your death would cause them less pain than any pain they feel right now, you are 100% wrong. It would shatter them. Think of your son who is about to be confirmed in the faith. What would it say to him about faith and God and the point of it all if you were to leave him now? Believe me when I say that despite the fact that he is likely a teenager, he still needs you and far more than you know. I didn't have my mother in a maternal capacity during most of my teen years because I was forced by her mental illness to play the mother role instead. I needed her to guide me and nurture me during those years. Your son needs you. I'd warrant that there are a great number of other folks who love you and need you too. Please, please, please know that you can get through this and come out the other side. Please don't do this to yourself. Please hang on to life. It's worth it. You will definitely be in my prayers and thoughts.

  6. chjones21

    chjones21 Well-Known Member

    Lostgirl88 I haven't been on this site for a good while ... so I don't know your posts but what's up? Sometimes a problem shared can make a big difference.

    I know what Ana ng and others have said is way better than anything I can express ... but why not bring it here, try and write it down - the main things that troubling you. We can acknowledge them but also maybe someone, with experience, can think of something to bring relief. There are so many wise and kind people - let them see if they can support you?
  7. soulreaper

    soulreaper Well-Known Member

    why not sleep on it for a night or two or maybe even a week, maybe your just tired. it's amazing what a good nights sleep can do.
  8. lostgirl88

    lostgirl88 Member

    I'm still here, I chickened out at least so far. Chjones you asked what is up well obviously not me. Ha ha I lost my job nearly 8 months ago at a very bad financial time for me. I had been struggling for over a year dealing with health issues from a car accident that just won't seem to go away. Doctors either want to send me for super expensive tests and treatments including injections, nerve blocks etc or throw their hands up and say we don't know what's wrong. So I live in chronic pain but since there is no obvious injury few believe I am really in pain. Then I lost my job I can't find a new one inspire of sending out hundreds of resumes and having a ton of interviews. I am losing my house so I will be homeless sometime in the next couple of months when ever the sheriff throws me out which means I will lose custody of my son to his abusive sob of a dad. I am bankrupt between student loans and medical bills don't qualify for food stamps because I still get child support so I make $16 too much a month too bad I can't eat my college education. When I lose my house one of the few options I will have if I don't want to end up on the street will be to move in with my parents which for most people would be fine but for me means moving back to the town where I was raped twice before I was 18 which would just do great things for the PTSD that I have spent years getting to a manageable leave so I can just visit without having a meltdown when I return. So yeah, I am pretty much at rock bottom the end of my rope and pretty sure I have lived on this planet and gone through as much as I can take. I used to believe if I held on long enough if I believed enough, prayed enough, tried my hardest did my best eventually I would get a break but now I think the only break I am going to get is the one I make. If I die I can make a break for my kids because there is enough insurance money to pay for their college so at least no student loans to be an albatross around their necks
  9. chjones21

    chjones21 Well-Known Member

    Lostgirl88 you are strong - wow, you are strong! I wouldn't have half the gumption you obviously already have and have put to use. I admire you. I don't know when it all went so difficult for just a straightforward, law-abiding, decent, well-educated, hard-working, well-meaning person why is it now so hard for us just to live. That's it. Just to live. To be allowed to put a roof over our heads and to feed our children. When others have billions sitting around in banks - it is just so twisted. Something has gone very wrong somewhere. It really has.

    We need to make a new society but I don't know how we can do that when we are not even given five minutes to make our own lives -perhaps that is deliberate anyway. To stop change. To entrench the wealth and further block off those already bastioned in their fine castles.

    Don't die. It's not worth it and you're smart, I can tell from your posts so there has to be something, some bl**dy way ----

    I look at your post and I know you are smarter than me and clearly stronger than me … I can't see the answer because I am not good at that but SOMEONE else will. Someone else will know - how to get what you need out of this stupid system we have set up. Someone will know what disability payment you can claim for or what accident insurance you can get (it's playing the game and being part of the system but at this moment what choice does anyone have but to do that). You've got a lot to offer - so don't even think about giving up because your strength is clear. Mine, no I am weak.

    I am going to do my best to think about your post - to see if I can think of a good suggestion, a sensible, practical suggestion that could help. A proper helpful thing! And if I come up with one (and even if I don't) I will post it. But you think about it too y'know - I know the solution is in there in you. Then when you are sorted --- we can think about changing the world….!!! That's going to be a big one. But why not? No one else seems bothered so clearly there is a gap there that needs to be filled.
  10. Cat of Spades

    Cat of Spades Well-Known Member

    This is good advice.

    Sometimes some rest and a fresh outlook on the situation is all you need to get a renewed vigor, or at least a new perspective that is enough to motivate you to turn back on the positive road.
  11. cloudymemories

    cloudymemories Active Member

    If nothing else is worth fighting for, your kids are They need and want you. You are their mother..<3

    I know you think you causw them more pain alive than dead but it would actually be the other way around because children who grow up without a parent or two are psychologically wrecked most of the time..No matter if you feel it or not, children love their parents..they care..even if they're not children anymore. It's just a natural thing...
  12. lostgirl88

    lostgirl88 Member

    Well, I am still here and still struggling. Every day is a roller coaster of ups and downs. I am not sleeping again even though I have meds that are supposed to help that. I am having nightmares which isn't unusual. I am supposed to go see my doctor tomorrow but I have been going back and forth about cancelling for the past two days mostly because I really can't afford it but also because I just don't know if I can face him. I keep trying to be positive as I have been getting calls for job interviews lately but as I haven't gotten any of the jobs I just feel like a bigger loser after every one. I know that death is the easy way out to some people, at least that is what people think about those of us that consider suicide as an option but it isn't. I have struggled with this thought/choice my entire life. I am not close to anyone in my family other than my kids and I know that a decision like this would permanently alter their lives which is why I struggle and also try to think of ways to make my death look accidental. The problem with that is that the methods are far less reliable.

    I am sorry this is so long and depressing but that is just where I am, I am so tired of fighting my demons. I am tired of being a failure. The future just doesn't seem worth going forward.
  13. youRprecious!

    youRprecious! Antiquities Friend

    Am so glad and relieved to know that you are still around, lg - I know exactly how you feel, having been in the same place 18 years ago. I understand that you are a believer in God (from posts at the beginning) - and it is hard for those of faith who find themselves in these dark nights to make sense of where God is in all of this. I think it was your uncle (from memory of an earlier post) who said: He's right here with you, (or similar) - and from my own experience of being in the same place (not sleeping, taking sleeping pills, feeling so desperate, etc.) from the healed place of now, I know that that is true - for you too - except we feel incapable of seeing it or grasping hold of it at the time.
    To let you know lg, that you are certainly not alone and that there is a path of healing for you if you (as I'm sure you have done) scream out to God for the first signpost.....please PM me if you feel it's the right thing to do. My plight was so desperate that, even with my children still at home I felt I had failed so irrecoverably that I attempted anyway, and God in his mercy rescued me by a course of events that can only be described as his supernatural intervention..... looking back I wish that it hadn't come to that, but even there, as King David says in Ps. 139: "Though I make my bed in hell, behold Thou art there....." so I'm living proof of that verse hun, and know He can do it for anyone in the darkest place, through even that mustard-seed sized bit of faith we feel we have left.

    The future will be worth going forward for, lg, once your heart receives the needed insights that it hasn't met yet, that your past didn't have. Your future will not be just more of the past or present, where there is renewed hope. :)
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