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Tomorrow, please read

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by darkscaryforest, Dec 30, 2006.

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  1. Hello everyone, my name is Ryan. I'm 20 and living in TX.

    Chances are that if you're reading this- you're, like me, not too happy with life right about now. I've been coming to this forum for quite some time; mostly just reading other people's stories and feelings. As I'm sure you know, this world is a pretty screwy place. Many of you have been through some really crazy shit; way more than me.

    Some of you might be mourning the loss of someone special to you. Some of you may have been traumatized by some horrible event. I bet many of you, like me, may be horribly lonely which is, in my opinion, one of the worst feelings a person can experience.

    Or maybe you just feel down and you can't quite point out the problem.

    Whatever the case, I invite you to partake in something with me tomorrow on New Years Eve. The new year is upon us. And the old is ending..another year of life is almost dead and gone.

    You see: Over this holiday season I had a lot time to think. I've come to realize that I hate myself. There are many things that I'm discontent with in my personality- but one of my biggest is my shyness. Because of it, I have become isolated and lonely. I can see being alone my whole life and that really hurts and disturbs me. I can't have that and I won't. I've got to do something. I've got to end this and thus myself. And I will, tomorrow night at 12...along with this year...

    ...and become anew with the start of the new year. I invite you to do the same.

    I'm not talking about physically committing suicide (that definitely wouldn't make things better). I'm talking about metaphorically killing yourself, in order to start over with a fresh slate. A brand new template. For me and some of you I'm talking about change. For others, I’m speaking of forgetting the past and looking to the future. Still others: a chance to feel reborn and rejuvenated.

    You see, for me this will be satisfying in that I will have officially ended my old self...but still have my whole life to implement the new me- the hopefully better me.

    But, what about you? It could very well do the same for you if you give it a try. I know some of you have suffered so much..have gone through so much bullshit life has thrown your way that I couldn't possibly relate. I understand there's no easy fix. But who knows? Perhaps by having a mental funeral for the old us- by waving goodbye to this year and the years before them, we will release some of the burden. It will be closure. And just maybe then, we can find a solution for our pursuit of happiness.

    Whatever your situation may be, whether you're in hell on earth or just discontent with the way things are going:

    Mentally (not physically) die with me tomorrow, so that we may be reborn and live better thereafter. Give it a try.
  2. Jenny

    Jenny Staff Alumni

    Hi Ryan :)

    Thanks for posting this.. it has given me a lot to think about..

    I'm in psychotherapy at the moment and something we have talked about is the fact that i need to mourn my past. By mourning, i mean that I need to come to terms with all the things I didn't get or that I did get but interpreted differently than it was meant!

    A couple of weeks ago I was on a course and we had to do an exercise talking about positive/negative things our parents said to us when we were little. It dawned on me that my positives are limited.. all i can remember are the negatives. I cried the whole afternoon.. that was the first time i actually felt sad for myself as a little child trying to survive in the world. It was a very moving and emotional time.. although maybe it was much needed.

    Maybe I'll chose one thing for me to 'end' for today and tomorrow. I'd love to just mentally die, but for me i dont think it's realistic. I am the person i am today because of all my past experiences.. i personally, would like to explore my past, understand how and why it's affected me.. and then move on from there. I find the first 2 steps quite easy.. it's the moving on from there that i'm still struggling with!

    What you say about closure is true.. i know that i often think about the past and wish i had done things differently.. even silly things.. but the past is the past.. unfortunately i can't change it now.. I need to look forward :)

    Anyway, thanks for sharing.. i hope tomorrow is a good day for you and that 2007 is the start of new and better things for you. Please keep us posted if you want/can on how things go.. and we are here if you need a shoulder

  3. This is a nice thought but I don't think it will help. It's tempting to set a date and declare that to be a 'new start', like a new-year's resolution. But people don't change overnight. We learn and change gradually. I'm not the same person I was last year and I'm very different from what I was 5 years ago. Plus, our experiences - good and bad - make us who we are.

    I'm still figuring out what I want to be, personality wise. It's not enough to say 'be a nice person' or 'treat everyone with respect' but that won't work all the time. Everyone has a different view on what 'good' people are and if you spend too much time trying to please everyone else, you may forget the most important person in your life: you.

    I don't think shyness is your main problem. I'm shy but whenever I've tried to overcome that by going out and talking people, I've almost always been worse off. It just reminds me of what a failure I am socially.
  4. Nez

    Nez Well-Known Member

    I don't believe it, finally a human being out there with the same toughts and "life philosophy" as me.

    Damn I'm glad you made a topic about this, God knows I've been looking forward to one grand new beginning, and what could symbolice that better than New Years Eve itself?

    Though I must say I'm not hoping for a complete reborn mentality, there are many things about me that I truely like and wish to keep as a part of me forever. Mainly I'm going to use this "new beginning" as a method to start some sort of self improvement, maybe it's a lot like New Year Resolutions but in a much more fulfilling way.

    I think it's a great idea, by mentally dying and then being reborn you get the chance to change so many things about yourself, that is if you actually succed in mentally dying. I'm following the same plan as you are, hoping for a new beginning and would like to recommend others in doing the same.

    Good luck to all of you!
    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 30, 2006
  5. Nuri

    Nuri Well-Known Member

    This does sound very interesting and appealing but I don't think i'll be able to place a safety net on myself to stop myself from entering the same routine that i'm living by everyday.

    I believe I can see the future / Cause I repeat the same routine / I think I used to have a purpose / But then again / That might have been a dream / I think I used to have a voice / Now I never make a sound / I just do what I've been told / I really don't want them to come around... Everyday Is Exactly The Same By; Nine Inch Nails

    I've tried to commit suicide a large quantity of times over the Holidays and before that aswell; being heartbroken, feeling used and abused dosn't help either... I'm 16 and i'm feeling quite lost, like I don't belong or fit in anywhere.

    Next year, I supposably start College but that all depends on whether I get re-accepted in January and if I don't get accepted i'll then have to wait till September which leaves me thinking... What am I going to do if I don't get accepted? Continue being my bored, shy, isolated, self-loathing, quiet and self-destructive self, untill September or am I going to try and spark a change in myself? It's the dilemma that i'm going through at the moment.

    I get told everyday to live one day at a time and stop looking at the future but I find that impossible.

    I'm like you, i'm shy which has led me to be isolated and lonely... I'm suffering from manic boredom as everyday goes by aswell. I'm sure we have other things in common aswell.

    I will try this as i'm sick of the state that i'm in now, i'm being a burden to myself and others.

    Good luck to other people who will be attempting this and I'll be wishing myself good luck aswell.
    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 30, 2006
  6. WintersDawn

    WintersDawn Active Member

    I will give it a try with you Ryan... I definitely need to shed some old skin.
  7. sn0dig

    sn0dig Active Member

    I'd rather end my life at new years eve.. :sad:
    Life will not ever get any better..
  8. bipolarkitty

    bipolarkitty Well-Known Member

    Ryan... wow.

    This is such an interesting idea, it really got me thinking. It's very appealing... starting anew... leaving behind what I don't like about myself and starting the process of who I want to be. I can imagine myself as a blank canvas waiting to be filled with new wonders, every part of me a rich and vibrant color.

    So what you're saying is that even though the change won't be overnight, the commitment is there to make true and lasting change for the better. I really like that.

    There are a lot of things I don't like about myself. I say the most mean and hurtful things to myself. Things I would never say to anyone else. My therapist is always challenging those thoughts by asking me if I'd ever say them to a child. I'd never say ANY of it to a child! It would hurt them so much and maybe damage them irreperably. So why do I say it to myself, then?

    Oh! Epiphany! :idea:

    I've struggled with that one question for a while now. But while reading your post, something new occurred to me... I've been using the whole "why" thing to avoid changing the behavior. Instead of trying to figure out why I say those things to myself, maybe I should just stop saying them.

    Inside me is a vulnerable child who needs protection, not abuse, and that protection needs to come from within. So I will protect her. Even from myself.

    I also have bipolar, which is a physical illness that will never go away. But what can go away is how I choose to react to it. I will always have the mood swings. But maybe, just maybe, I don't have to make them any worse than they will be. Maybe I can learn to go with the flow, so to speak. To just step back and watch the waves rolling by.

    I know that the only one who can change me is me. I'm ready for change. I'm not saying it'll be easy, but it won't hurt to try, and it can't be any worse than what I'm doing now.

    Count me in! :biggrin:

    I just thought of something else. Now I'll have 2 birthdays, lol! :laugh: One in May and one in January... hehehe... more presents! :tongue:
  9. deathwalking

    deathwalking Well-Known Member

    For some people, that may work, for others, not at all.I fall into the "its not gonna work" category...I've tried.Life is sadistic and twisted ...some people have a need to end their suffering.
  10. The_Discarded

    The_Discarded Staff Alumni

    Hmm... I'm not sure that this will work, but I'm well-willing to give it a try. I'm open to anything. I've exhausted all of my other options at this point.

    Thank you for posting this, I might add. It made me think. I like to think.

    So... I'm in. What could it hurt?

    A simple "clean slate" could do me well. I've been trying to get out of this rut defined by my past and future. It does make things damn better when I can manage it.

    Regardless of how this works out for me, I hope others attempting it find it to be of use.

    Good luck, everyone. <3
  11. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    The thought is a nice one Ryan. Thank you for offering to share it with us all. I wish you the best in 2007. :hug:
  12. Jimmy_Boeboe!

    Jimmy_Boeboe! Well-Known Member

    I am planning on doing just the same thing! I am glad you are doing it too. I, myself haven't gone through all these dramatic things but I have had different problems. I have been for a very short time on this forum, but thanks to some comments made here I realised I have to give everything another chance and that I acted too soon on this.
    I am working on it and it is going better and better, and in the new year it will be even better, as I am working on it and I am also planning on leaving alkl the bad things along with 2006! The thought of actually really dieing with 2006 crossed my mind for a sec, but the way you said it, I can't describe it better, is what I think is best!

    Good luck to you and all the others who are going to try/do this!

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