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Tomorrow's just an excuse to live.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by cancelMe, Jun 30, 2014.

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  1. cancelMe

    cancelMe Member

    whats the point...waiting one more day, week, month...maybe something 'good' will happen, maybe 'it'll get better'...thats what they all say. I turned 30 this week, 5 years ago today i (edit methoded myself) but the cord snapped after i passed out...i remember it only took a few seconds to go unconscious, then woke up with a slight black eye from hitting the ground(didn't feel that). I remember waking up and being furious i had failed once again...i ran inside and grabbed a much stronger cord and tied it around me but i didn't have it in me to attempt again then....at least then i had a life, friends, job...

    earlier this year i went through a 3+ month psychosis spell and ruined everything. It started with me remembering blocked out memories of the abuse i just couldn't get over it, every time i would think of it i would break down sobbing like a baby...., quit my job, ruined all relationships with friends...i basically thought i was a genius and everyone else was an idiot for no reason whatsoever. theres a lot to what happened...blissful madness best sums it up. I tried to OD on water, yes water, my heart felt like it was gonna explode, i wasn't aware what was going on yet i craved more and more water. I finally blacked out, like i couldn't move anymore, i was overheating and trying to put it out with more water...bizarre...i called my mom over and was making no sense to her as she was deeply scared of what i had become, people looked like they were actors, the words they said sounded like gibberish. I cause a huge scene at the hospital and was arrested for flipping off a bunch of cops and opening a door. I was then sent away to a mental hospital for 3 days...what a terrible experience, no one in healthcare actually cares about the patients..

    i was so manic, i thought i was ok, i thought i was receiving messages through certain tv/movies/songs. I thought random cars/people were testing me, telling me what to do somehow...i was so rational, what happened???? WHY????

    Ive been depressed my whole life, i was abused in disgusting ways as a small child by southern baptist step mom and dad, didn't get along with my step dad, my mom tried but at the end of the day i was primarily a catatonic, emotionless, sad looking, life draining boy...my first attempt was when i was 13....sleeping pills...wound up just getting high for a day or two. In life...so many 'friends' and co-workers didn't like me cause i was quiet and sad looking all the time. Some told me to kill myself literally, cause thats how i looked all the time. BUT I FUCKING TRIED GODDAMNIT, i tried and did eventually fit in, dealt with people in a professional 'nice' manner most of the time, i do recall instances where nice customers would ask if i was ok, i suppose due to the look on my face...

    Thats all i wanna say at the moment ....i just keep thinking of those wonderful people who have no problems screaming 'errr just get over it, you're an adult, act like it, everyones got problems you know'
  2. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Hi there, thanks for self editing the methods :)

    When you look back at what you did when you were 25, how do you feel? Do you feel you would have missed out on a lot, perhaps some good memories at least?
    I guess your title 'tomorrow's just an excuse to live' is true but on the other hand tomorrow could be the day you decide you are not going to let this illness beat you down and continue to fight this battle. It also really pisses me off too when people say ''you're an adult act like one etc..'' I'm like you can say that when you have walked in the footsteps I have and mental illness is just as real and debilitating as a physical illness.

    To be honest, I have given up trying to explain, they are too ignorant.

    I do wish you well and hope you can overcome this and sincerely thanks for posting, i bet it helped a little just to get that off your chest. Good luck to you.
  3. cancelMe

    cancelMe Member

    I'm never going to overcome this...same things over and over. at least i was happy for 3 months of my life. every aspect of me is fucked up...and its draining on others...thanks i guess i just wanna bitch to others that know the feelings. my family/siblings don't really care, my mom does but doesn't really know how to deal with it..ive never had a relationship with my brother or sister, just awkward silence if I'm there...

    blah blah blah feel sorry for me...right.?.

    come on psychosis where are you now??? i never understood the expression 'high on life' till then....lol...seriously, a manic psychotic episode might do me some good now
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