tonight feels like its the night

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Whatsthepointofanything, Apr 4, 2014.

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  1. I dont know how far to go back to share my story, if I go back too far you will see happy times and wonder why I feel this way. Those happy times only serve now to remind me of what I have lost and the happiness of experiencing them has been lost in the pain of new memories.

    I met the father of my children at the age of 17, we moved in together at 19, I fell pregnant at 21, told him and he told me he didnt love me anymore, i had a termination after soul searching heart ache and medical advice. I stupidly went back to him, he told me that he would take me back if I didnt mention or get upset about the baby. In the next few years we moved again and went on to have 3 children. i adored motherhood and things seemed normal for a while.

    Then we moved again and my partner changed. He took out a £27,000 loan for a new BMW and stopped feeding the children, he joined a golf club, took holidays with his friends rather than his family, went to a gym and regularly visited las vegas. I struggled to keep our head above water but ended up with £47,000 worth of debts. At the sae time my dad died of cancer, I sat by his bed as his sole visitor for a week in the hospice as my sister was herself battling cancer and having a hysterectomy and my mum pooly with flu and too distressing for the children. I tried to talk to Dave after my dad died, he said there was no love lost between them and was not in the least sympathecit. My dad called him a bully for the way he treated us. I told him i was having problem with money too but he just said the debts were my problem even though it was because i was sharing a house with a man but not his finances and trying ti bring the children up on a very low salary by myself. they were his children and i needed his help.

    The children lost respect for their father and significant memories are my son when he was 10 saying "Thank god you never married that man" about his own dad...then my daughter at a similar age saying "if you stay with dad you will never see your grandchildren"...we finished in 2010 after my sons 18th birthday. We carried on living together for some time. I was at this time robbing peter to pay paul and got myself in such a mess I am ashamed to say I stole to try and make ends meet. In the end I went on a DMP which hasnt paid them off but pays something each month to keep the wolves away from the door.

    Now however i get solicitors letters and calls from debt collectors at work on a daily basis. I am numb to them as they are a normal part of my life now. My ex attacked my daughter in October last year and was found guilty of attempted was changed to assault by beating after a Newton Hearing but the result is a restraining order against him not worth the paper its written on...he send his family round to hound me and texts me all the time.

    Shortly after the hearing, 1 week in fact my mum was diagnosed with ovarian cancer, she has now had her ovaries and lymph nodes removed but it doesnt look good. My sons fiance of 5 years dumped him by text and my daughters boyfriend finished with her and she is now suicidal. My own boyfriend lives 4 hours away after moving in to look after the needs of his elderly mother...originaly for 6 weeks now ending up 7 months later as semi permanent. If he dares to call me she comes in the room and makes a fuss, if he visits she falls over so he has to go back...

    My sister who I was once close to has lost respect for me after I stole to get myself out of debt. I have received a final warning at work after using the internet to seek ways of commiting suicide and now my ex has sent me a letter from his solicitor trying to force the sale of our house and leave me, my daughter and 2 sons homeless.

    I cant go on... i dont want to wait to see what tomorrow brings, I have no future, no pension, no money and my children would be far better off without me..i have failed everyone.

    I have come to the conclusion that life has beaten me I have nothing more to give so let me go now please
  2. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    I'm really sad to hear of all that you have been going through. That is a lot to have on your plate, one thing on top of another. I am really happy that you voiced your feelings here. We can certainly listen and try to be supportive. You are one courageous person, dealing with all of that! :hug:

    It seems that you live in the UK, and I don't know much about the services there.

    The debts you have. Have I understood correctly - that you put your debts in the hands of a credit/debt repayment service? If that is the case, unless you are accruing new debts, I think the service is supposed to stop your creditors from harassing you. Have you advised the service that collection agencies have been bothering you?

    Are you getting any spousal support/alimony from your ex? When you split up, what sort of agreement did you and he have for support payments? It might be an idea to consult with an attorney. In the US and Canada, there are "legal aid" services - low or no cost lawyers for people in financial straits. Perhaps the UK has something similar? I'm sorry I don't know who you would need to contact.

    This same legal aid could possibly help you with the pressure your ex is putting on you to sell the marital home. There might be alternatives that the lawyer knows about - you keep the house and the ex doesn't pay you alimony; you split the proceeds of the house, but he pays you enough to rent a decent place; etc. Family lawyers deal with this kind of thing all the time and a lawyer from your area will know more about what is possible in your country.

    If you have family in hospital, are there social workers assigned to their cases? You could ask the nurses and doctor(s) to assign one to help you get respite care, additional services through council, and so on. There are likely some services that you and your family would be eligible for, but sometimes having the social worker there as an advocate is very helpful.

    Last and by no means least, have you seen your doctor to say how stressed you are and how much you are carrying alone? Seeing a counsellor might be an idea - a face-to-face way to share all the confusion and feelings. Even a separation/divorce support group could be helpful (sometimes local religious centers offer that sort of thing). Make time to do things YOU enjoy - take care of yourself because you deserve it as much as everyone else.

    I can only imagine how anxious and upset you are. There are things that might help so that you don't have to opt for a permanent and self-destructive solution. I hope you will give them a try and that you stay safe. Keep us posted on how things are going.
  3. jimk

    jimk Staff Alumni

    Hi what'sthepoint. Welcome.. You still have your kids who need you.. That is the point also could really use help..

    You used what I thing is the pound symbol telling about your debts..does that mean you are in the UK?? We have a lot of other members from there also.. Maybe there has some crisis lines and help agencies where you can get some help!!

    Try to stay safe for now please.. Chat rooms also often have ppl in them..we will talk with you..TC, jim
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