i previously voiced some consternation at how years of increasing depression and extensive recreational drug use have finally caught up with me. i previously voiced, to no avail, that i ceased all drug use upon perceiving a few unwelcome changes in my general existence that have frightened me quite effectively out of my wits. i previously voiced that i'm taking all the necessary action necessitated to accurately label my deterioration and to reverse it. tonight, however, i met up with some friends and i discovered for the umpteenth time over the fish out of water that i am. each and every endeavour to smile and have some gentle fun since my initial diagnosis has failed. i work hard, spread joy and earn my wages, which, although Diana Ross would scoff, afford me not only my necessities, but my luxuries. under these favourable conditions have i begun my decline. i don't yet know what i'm investing all this energy for. my friends did all the laughing, and i told them that i had to depart, despite the early hour, because the glass of wine took me a touch too far. i lied, obviously. what with my verbose methods of conveyance, i cannot but fail to articulate that i am disheartened, and hold dear to me no desire to be alive anymore.