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Tonight I am alone

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by akaangela, Oct 26, 2008.

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  1. akaangela

    akaangela Member

    Tonight the only sound in the house is my brain telling me to find a way out. I am so tired, tired of trying to go on. Tired of pretending that everything is ok. Tired of being alive. On the 18th of this month I turned 38 years old. 24 years of fighting every day to just keep going. How many years do I have to keep going? I laughed when my dr put me on another antidepressant. One of the side effects are "a worsing of suidial thoughts" Like I need any help on that score.

    I am all alone tonight. Not a sound can I hear. I perfect time to die. I wish I could slit my wrists but I am afraid of the pain. My roommates don't usually leave me alone. Tonight is the first time in a long time no one has been in the house with me. If someone told me an easy way to die I would take it in a heart beat. I have tried twice seriously. The first time I should have died. I took enough pills to kill a horse, obviously I am fatter than a horse.

    I hurt, I hurt so bad. I want to stop the pain. I want to let go of the responsibility of trying to live. I have messed up my life so bad. On top of everything else I can't think, I can't focus enough to work. my insurance won't pay for a Mental hospital bill. Is there a way out?
  2. Right U R Ken

    Right U R Ken Well-Known Member

    I've heard of that before. Would make me laugh if it wasn't such a serious issue. Makes me glad I now avoid the so called professionals. They never helped and sometimes made the problem worse.

    I'm alone tonight too. But I am every night. And have been for many years. So I know the pain. Only thing keeping me alive is that one some silver of hope. I sometimes wish it would disappear so I can put an end to all of this. I want to end the lonliness.
  3. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Just a quick note to see how you are doing today...big hugs, J
  4. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    i know what it's like to fight depression over many years. it's really exhausting, isn't it? one thing that might help is to know that they are always coming up with new treatments. sometimes medication might help you, sure, and sometimes it doesn't. but there is always counselling, helplines, things like exercise or meditation. don't give up until you have tried them all. you never know which combo of things will work for you. please keep trying... you are worth it.
  5. Jenny

    Jenny Staff Alumni

    I just wanted to acknowledge your post and let you know that I hear you. It sounds like such a difficult, despairing time for you right now and has been a struggle for many years. I am glad that you have found this forum and hope it'll help to have this safe place where you can be yourself without fear of judgement, etc. Take good care of yourself and keep posting if it helps. Jenny x
  6. scottmajor

    scottmajor Member

    i get these feelings everyday all i want to do is end my life the only way i can think of ending my life is with a bullet which isnt easy to get hold off.

    i have taken 5 overdoses and if i had more pills in the house tonight i feel so down i would take them all

    i wish god would call my time and i dont wake up when i next go to sleep
  7. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Hello akaangela,
    I know exactly how you feel. At least you have friends. I pushed mine away 15 years ago when I had my breakdown. I have isolated in my bedroom for the last 14years. I have been in therapy for 3 years and for the last year I have been getting out of the house a little each day.
    I am suicidal but my therapist has helped me to put those thoughts behind me. I still have them dailey but I don't act on them. Please see your shrink and let him evaluate you for what combo of meds will help. I always tell people to see a therapist because they can teach you alot. Don't give up hope, sometimes it takes a couple of tries to find the right one. Go with your gut feeling. Take Care!!!~JOSEPH~
  8. Dave_N

    Dave_N Guest

    I hope that you're ok angela. :hug:
  9. EmptyLife

    EmptyLife Well-Known Member

    i have been suffering every day since i was at least 14, and i am now 44, so i know how you feel. i have no friends and a non-family of members who don't care if i live or die. i don't know how anyone gets through the miserable, eternal moment of life. but i am trying an antidepressant i haven't tried before. maybe i should try vns...
  10. crying_wolf

    crying_wolf Active Member

    i am alone always, i dont go out much.
  11. akaangela

    akaangela Member

    Thank you all for your replies. I am still here. Yesterday I went to work and while at work I wrote a sucide note. Had it all filled out then thought it stupid and threw it in the trash. After I got home the BIG boss, the HR director and my supervisor called me at home. The a>(E that sits next to me fished it out of the trash and read it. The Hr director more or less said I had to go to a shrink. I have figgured it all out. I am not sad anymore. The river is just right for my plans. I think I will take a swim :D Have a wonderful day all.

    Oh and it wouldn't hurt if you prayed for my soul. I doubt God will listen but hey maybe HE will understand.
  12. andyc68

    andyc68 Guest

    i agree with Dazzle, there are many ways to fight on through depression you just need to find a combo that works for you.
    sorry your plight was highlighted at work without your consent, don't let that get to you, maybe that person decided that it may help you if work knows, i dunno.

    please keep fighting this

    stay safe :hug:
  13. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Your co worker had no right to go digging in your trash can. Next time spit on everything in there that will teach him not to dig in your can. My sister is very good about shredding everything. Me I just pitch it.
    You should really get out of the house and if nothing else go for a walk to help clear your head.
    You should go ahead and see a therapist. In my book they do more for you than a shrink does. Mine actually cares about me. She has a hell of a memory. she brings up things we talked about four or five visits ago. Your work already knows so what do you have to loose? Give it a go and see if it doesn't help. You have to open up and tell them everything or you will waste yours and hers/his time. Don't worry they will keep what you talked about to themselves. Take Care!!~Joseph~
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