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**Tonight Is My Night**

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Marshmallow, Jan 7, 2007.

  1. Marshmallow

    Marshmallow Staff Alumni

    Last night was gonna be my night, but the way i was doing it made me feel ill. I got new plan. A plan that won't fail.

    Fuck January the 13th, that dat was to get back at someone else, this is for me. I choose when i die and i choose tonight. I got the method and i got the place.

    Yeah yeah yeah i know im gona get told about the 'knock on affect' but obviously it dont mean shit to the people who tell me it. After all their day is comming soon, well mines here. Wow my last day on earth, spent it curled up in bed, how pathetic, just like me.

    Get the lecture about my death will mean that someone else is a murderer once again. You don't understand, no one is killing me but me. You going is gonna kill me, so your set on 'your day' so either way im dead right. Your set on this so im just gonna go save myself the hurt for once. You can tell other people things but the same fucking thing applies to you and you dont give a shit about listening. I was soo wrong in thinking someone could talk me out of it. I was comepletely wrong, i can't believe i actually thought that hahahaaha.

    Yeah yeah so there it is.

    For those of you who 'worry' about me, i wouldn't bother, i aint worth the trouble. Some say im letting people down, especially people the people im close to on here, well there gonna let me down anyway right, why not say myself the hurt once in my life.


    You all take care now.

    Love you all Vikki.
  2. Allo..

    Allo.. Well-Known Member

    *bows head* Vikki.. we love you
  3. Sa Palomera

    Sa Palomera Well-Known Member

    You don't understand.
    You can't go because of me. I know you can make it past January 13th. I just know you can. You got such a bright future ahead of you...
  4. Marshmallow

    Marshmallow Staff Alumni

    No you don't get it. You keep going on about her comming to get you and that your going to the bloody 'Island' It hurts soooooo damn badly.

    It hurts EVERY time i see you in chat in the 'Island Room' it hurt so badly that i come on here and you say your going soon. If your set on going then i can't be here to go through that pain. I just couldn't take losing someone i care about again. Yeah the other people may not be dead, but they might aswell be. I can't lose you or anyone else. I can't be here if you go. I just can't do it.

    You KNOW how much i was worried last night, you heard how upset i was. Thats because i CARE!! and i dont want you to go anywhere. Half the reason i was upset was because you was in pain and i could do fuck all about it! that show i care?

    I aint got fuck all in my future, i've never seen myself living past 20 just like you don't see yourself living past 33. I just don't see it, how the hell can i look to a future i've never seen!

    I know how to do it. I planned with while awake last night. Maybe im too pathetic to go through with it. I dunno. Depends how tonight goes right.

    Just like you say you can't lose me, time and time you've said that, i can't lose you either! If it happens naturally i can deal with that, i can't deal with suicide. I can't deal with the hurt, if your gonna go then i need to go before you to save myself from that hurt.

    I just can't deal with it right now. All i wanna do is be able to help you and i just feel like im bothering you most of the time. Im not help to you what so ever. I thought maye i COULD be because of the amount of times you've rang me up wanting to talk or talking on skype. You don't know how happy is was that you was able to talk to me again, that you trusted me.

    Urgh i dunno anymore, im soooooo fucked up!
  5. Sa Palomera

    Sa Palomera Well-Known Member

    I was not in pain last night/this morning Vikki. You don't see how happy I was to feel her hand on mine. You don't get it. I was so happy!

    I'm not going before she's here to get me. So don't worry. It just was so nice to finally FEEL her.

    I'm really sorry if you felt as if I was in pain. I was not.

    Please don't do it. You are loved. and you DO have a future. I just wish you could see that yourself :sad:
  6. Marshmallow

    Marshmallow Staff Alumni

    I know you was happy to feel her hun, thats one of the reasons i was crying because i could tell how happy it made you. What upset me was when you said when they both come to get you then its your time and then a few minutes later you say their comming. That scared me half to death.

    Hun i dont see a future i never have. I wanna quit college and i might even with a few months left. Its just stressing me out. I have dont know what i wanna go into after college. One thing that i told Terry ages ago actually interest me but theres no way i could ever do that. Terry was the ONLY person i've ever told about wanting to go into that job. Theres no way in hell i can do that tho. So im screwed, the only thing i can look forward to is going to Turkey in July with my mum, step-dad, Josh and Natalie.

    Its weird, its like i look forward to that but then i cant even see myself getting to the next day. Yeah i is fucked up in the head. Whats new.
  7. Jess

    Jess Guest

    vikki :(


    I'm sorry hun. please be safe
  8. thedeafmusician

    thedeafmusician Staff Alumni

    Vikki... :( I'm not entirely sure what to say, so I wont say much in here I guess... but please please stay safe.... :hug: